Dear You Guys,
My name is Gabe. I am a writer and comedian living in Los Angeles, California, the greatest city on Earth. I used to be the Senior Editor of videogum.com, but I'm not anymore. I also write other stuff, and sometimes I make videos with my friend Max. We call ourselves Gabe & Max, which is admittedly a bit on the nose but what are you going to do? When I'm not at the Farmer's Market or The Grove (or the Farmer's Market at The Grove) I am either on stage telling jokes, or at home watching Netflix Instant jk I am just at home watching Netflix Instant. Anyway, this is my homepage. Thx 4 the add!
I was going to write a fake obituary for Worker #3116, but that seemed more pointless and self-indulgent than even I could allow. THAN EVEN I. So, let’s just say this: For those of you who don’t know, Worker #3116 was a pen name that I wrote under for a long time on this other stupid blog (as if there is another kind of blog) called corporate-casual.com. When I started that site, on LiveJournal, 14,000 years ago, in 2003, the original idea was to write about the office where I worked, which was actually a hospital where I was temping. It was awful there! Although there was a Burger King! I wrote under a fake name out of a misguided, self-inflated fear that somehow my bosses would…like…find my LiveJournal? And not only read the whole thing, obviously, but also spend a lot of time trying to decode everyone’s nicknames? And once they put it all together, I would be fired from my lucrative temping job at the hospital and would never work in the hospital temp industry again. It didn’t even matter anyway because the fact of the matter is that the thing about how good The Office UK is because of how it captures how crazy-boring and abjectly depressing an office can be kind of overlooks how CRAZY-BORING AND ABJECTLY DEPRESSING AN OFFICE CAN BE*. So. Crazy. Boring. And. Abjectly. Depressing. Robot dogs? People clipping their nails in their cubicle? It did not take too long for me to stop writing about my office adventures and just write about I don’t even know what. Benicio Del Toro movies, mostly, I’m sure. But still under a fake name because SAFETY FIRST.
And now he is dead. Car crash. Suicide. Email filled with iAnthrax.
Boy, I am really taking the scenic route down memory lane so hard as if this is a PBS documentary and I am a government official making sure that PBS fulfills its earnestness obligation? WELL, SOMETIMES IT IS FUN TO CREATE A MYTH ABOUT YOURSELF LIKE A DUDE STRAPPED TO THE BOULDER WITH THE EAGLES N’ STUFF! AM I USING THE WORD MYTH CORRECTLY? (GREAT MYTH!)
The point is: it has been a long time since I wrote that old site. I guess Worker #3116 has been dead for awhile. But he’s never been properly buried! Let’s shovel the dirt right onto his face! FUN FACT: a few months after my mom discovered my anonymous blog because it had stopped being very anonymous, she wrote me a birthday card and signed it “Mom #3116.” She is a good egg. In any case, all of that stuff is archived on this new site now. There’s not really any reason to read it. But you can. And canning is half the battle. Wait. Right? What? Right.
What with the new website and everything, this seems like as good of a time as any to answer some Frequently Asked Questions. This will be an easy way for you to learn a little bit more about me, Gabe Delahaye Dot Com, and it will save me the headache of having to constantly answer these questions. That is how frequently they are asked, to the point where answering them gives me a headache. That is definitely a real thing that happens. If anything this whole exercise might as well be called Too Frequently Asked Questions for how often they are asked hahahhahahahhaha. ARE THERE ANY DOCTORS IN THE BLOG? HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHA. OK, let’s begin.
Where did you go to college?
I went to the University of Michigan. Next question!
Oh! Did you know Jonah Meisels? He graduated from Michigan in 2003.
Um, no? I mean, it’s a pretty big school. When I went there, I think there were something like 30,000 undergrads. But besides that, I wasn’t even there in 2003. So, no, I didn’t know Jonah Meisels.
He dated my sister for awhile?
You said that like a question, but I don’t think that’s actually a question.
He was OK, I guess. But this one time in high school I gave him some money to buy booze for me and my friends and I figured he would buy, like, beer or rum or whatever, but he bought a bottle of ouzo? It’s Greek, I guess. Have you had ouzo?
I’m not actually sure if I’ve had ouzo or not, but I’ve had pastis and sambuca, and I think all three of them are anise-based liqueurs, so even though I haven’t had it, I’ve probably had something pretty close.
It’s an herb. It tastes kind of like liquorice.
Ouzo tastes like liqourice!
Who buys ouzo, man? Right? You know what I mean?
Sure. People buy ouzo, but not usually for high school kids.
Haha, yeah. You sure you didn’t know Jonah Meisels?
Sorry, no. He sounds great.
Alright. See you around, man.
Wait, that’s it?
Gotta go, man. Good talking to you, though. Peace!
Ew. Peace? Yuck.
For those of you who are familiar with my life’s work, please do not be alarmed: I’m still putting in long hours trying to burn the Internet to the ground. It’s an e-garbage iDump and it must be stopped! “But, Gabe, how can you burn the Internet to the ground when you are launching a whole new website?” Come on, man, you have to destroy things from the inside! Didn’t you ever hear that? Or have you not spent enough time around terribly misguided people with horrible ideas about how you destroy things?
Mostly, this is just a long overdue centralized location for people to be able to find me if they want to do that for some reason. I’ve written a bunch of stuff in a few different places and it’s kind of weird that I haven’t had this website until now but now I have it. Cool story! I wish it was longer! As far as this post is concerned (because let’s see just HOW self-referential and navel-gazey we can get RIGHT AWAY) I’m just trying to put SOMETHING up on the website so it doesn’t look weird. You’re welcome. Better let everyone on GoodReads know you just had a real good read. As you know, there is nothing worse than a website that looks weird. It’s so embarrassing! Everyone teases you on Twitter!
OK! Welcome to it. More later. And then less later, if all goes according to plan. (The plan being the total dissolution of the Internet.)