Dear You Guys,
My name is Gabe. I am a writer and comedian living in Los Angeles, California, the greatest city on Earth. I used to be the Senior Editor of videogum.com, but I'm not anymore. I also write other stuff, and sometimes I make videos with my friend Max. We call ourselves Gabe & Max, which is admittedly a bit on the nose but what are you going to do? When I'm not at the Farmer's Market or The Grove (or the Farmer's Market at The Grove) I am either on stage telling jokes, or at home watching Netflix Instant jk I am just at home watching Netflix Instant. Anyway, this is my homepage. Thx 4 the add!
Guys, I am very excited about this thing! Starting in May (Tuesday, May 24th, to be specific) I will be hosting a monthly comedy show at Union Hall. Neat! The show is called Mr. Coconuts and it is going to be great. We’re still working out some of the details, but the first show’s lineup is already looking like a PRETTY GREAT LINEUP if you ask me. And even if you don’t ask me, I will just tell you: it is looking like a pretty great lineup! Look:
Jenny Slate (Marcel the Shell)
Joe Mande (Look at this Fucking Hipster)
Larry Murphy (Bob’s Burgers)
“Very coooooool” — Borat.
“Boom!” — Emorol
I hope you can make it! Write it down. Airplane food. OK.
The only thing we have to fear is snakes. And spiders. And rubber snakes, if we are distracted or the light is poor, and we accidentally mistake them for real snakes. See also: rubber spiders, same scenario. See also: space snakes, which are snakes from other planets in outer space. We also have to fear the movie The Strangers, which I have not seen because even the trailer is too scary, so perhaps the only thing we have to fear is the trailer for The Strangers, if somehow the movie itself didn’t deliver, I wouldn’t know, although I bet the whole thing is pretty scary so to be on the safe side let us fear everything to do with The Strangers. We have to fear dirty bombs and biological warfare, but we do not have to fear Anthrax in envelopes sent to Ted Koppel’s office, because come on, people, that is not how things are going to happen. (FOOTNOTE: Ted Koppel may need to fear Anthrax sent in envelopes to Ted Koppel’s office.) We have to fear the robot uprising. And the Zombie apocalypse. If the robots become self-aware DURING the Zombie apocalypse, we may need to fear that as well unless we are all zombies, in which case we won’t need to fear anything. I’m not sure if we’re supposed to fear vampires or want to fuck them. I’ll get my best people on it. Let’s see, oh, we should definitely fear peaking too early and having to live your entire life trying to catch up to that unobtainable personal triumph and just constantly feeling like your best years are behind you because it’s nice to feel like your progressing, you know, like things are going to get better, but if you’re always looking back then that’s probably going to make for some pretty sticky unhappiness. So, that’s a tough one. Cancer. Bed bugs. Salmonella, whatever that is. Leaning on a banister on top of a parking structure and having that banister suddenly disappear and being unable to keep yourself from falling to your death. Unlikely, yes, but very scary if you think about it! Choking on a toothpick. Falling in love with a terrible racist who secretly hides their terrible racism until you are married. You would feel betrayed but you’d also have to ask yourself what does this say about me that this is the person I chose, you know? Shooting yourself in the foot with a shotgun and then getting suffocated by Spanish moss. Knives. Syringes. An apple with a razor blade in it. A potato with a razor blade in it. Any fruit or vegetable with a razor blade in it. The Cavity Creeps. Hospital smells. Gary Busey’s teeth. Personally, I also am very scared of having a mentally retarded baby. I’m sure in the end I would grow to love him or her very much and it would open my heart in a way I never knew was possible, like, I’d tell friends “before [baby name] was born, I didn’t even know what the word ‘love’ really meant, it turns out.” But in the abstract it seems absolutely terrifying. All the extra worry and responsibility, as if parenthood were not already an undertaking of almost immeasurable worry and responsibility. Of course, all parents fear their children dying before they do, so I suppose I am also scared of having a mentally retarded baby and then having that mentally retarded baby, or mentally retarded child, or mentally retarded adolescent, or mentally retarded young adult, or mentally retarded adult die before I die and having to live out the rest of my life with such an emotionally crippling loss. Oof. Yikes. Well, OK, I think that’s it. Now put the President Crown on my head and let me at those Nazis!
“It’s difficult to look at your disgusting face.”
“You just say that to a person? You just come right out and say that right to my face?!”
Hey, you guys, I will be in Los Angeles next week! LOL! I’ve already got a bunch of jokes about how “traffic in New York is like this, but traffic in LA is like this” but I can’t wait to get some more of those jokes! Anyway: what should I do while I am in LA? BESIDES eat all the tacos so that there are no more tacos left? And BESIDES visit the La Brea Tar Pits just kidding?
Let me know! HELP!
Stieg Larsson, the Swedish author of the “Millennium” thrillers, including The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, died suddenly and tragically in 2004 before his books were published. He had already turned in three completed manuscripts, but it is rumored that he had nearly completed a fourth. Now, that final book has been found and it is presented here for the millions of fans of Larsson’s work.
So, I wrote a novel. This is a long time ago, I did this. In 2002-2003, not really knowing what to do with myself, I sort of stumbled my way back into school. Whoops! The only thing worse than someone who takes on massive amounts of debt in order to pursue a degree they’re not even sure they need or want is someone who fancies themselves a writer, so I was really killing it back then. For the record, I think that the University of Chicago is one of the most uncomfortable places on Earth. Just a bastion of pretentious jerks in buildings that look like actual CASTLES, who’ve probably never even seen an episode of The Bachelor in their LIFE. And, of course, surrounding the horrible “oasis” of the campus are some of the most impoverished, ghettoized neighborhoods in the city. Cool! Very cool, University of Chicago. Definitely don’t jump in the lake.
But I did write a novel while I was there, so thanks for that, I guess. Although, not so much thank you to the school, which seriously, like, if a school could be a creep, that school would be a creep. But definitely thank you to my teacher there, Susan Fromberg Schaeffer. She was great.
The thing about writing a novel is that it doesn’t mean anything if the novel is junk, and I’m not sure that this one isn’t just that. It’s been a very long time, years and years, since I’ve revisited it. It’s certainly not funny. Like, at all. And it’s set during the Great Depression, but, like, I’m kind of a stupid person? I don’t know stuff. And my research consisted mostly of reading The Grapes of Wrath again. (Only half joking. Let’s just say that there are probably a few historical inaccuracies in the book. Like, a few per page.) All of that being said, the novel got me a literary agent, which for someone who fancies themselves a writer is very exciting! And then the book failed to sell. Nan Talese hated it or something, so that’s cool? Hi, Nan! You and your husband seem incredibly complicated and fascinating to me! ANYWAY: I’ve never actually made “my agent” any money, and we actually fell out of touch for a couple of years, although we’re supposed to get drinks soon. He’s really nice! And I don’t really write fiction anymore. Maybe I will again someday? Who knows! (What a fascinating mystery.) But, so, now you can, if for some reason you want to, read my old unfunny novel that may or may not be junk. Download it here. Put it on your Nook! (UPDATE: due to popular demand, and by “popular demand” I mean one person, this actually is for real available on Kindle now. No jokes.)
There is a great new music video out today from the New Pornographers directed by Tom Scharpling and starring so many famous comedy people it’s ridiculous how many. (Also: this.) And I am not just saying that it is great just because there is an Easter egg for the superfans at the 1:53 mark. It’s genuinely a very good video, that is why I am saying that. But obviously, from a personal, self-aggrandizing, Elizabeth Gilbert-type of standpoint, it definitely peaks at the 1:53 mark and never quite hits those highs again. Now, invite me to speak at the TED Conference about how I’m a genius!