Mostly, this is just a long overdue centralized location for people to be able to find me if they want to do that for some reason. I’ve written a bunch of stuff in a few different places and it’s kind of weird that I haven’t had this website until now but now I have it. Cool story! I wish it was longer! As far as this post is concerned (because let’s see just HOW self-referential and navel-gazey we can get RIGHT AWAY) I’m just trying to put SOMETHING up on the website so it doesn’t look weird. You’re welcome. Better let everyone on GoodReads know you just had a real good read. As you know, there is nothing worse than a website that looks weird. It’s so embarrassing! Everyone teases you on Twitter!

OK! Welcome to it. More later. And then less later, if all goes according to plan. (The plan being the total dissolution of the Internet.)

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Dear God,

I hope you are reading this up in heaven and that you are going to bless all of us and mommy and dady and I hop you also are knowing that I am good and true all of the time even when I sleep. I hope that you break Johnny’s kneecaps because Johnny stinks and he is mean and I hope his head catches on fire and I hope it burns into a crisp and when you hit it with a baseball bat it just explodeds into a pretty cloud of dust. I hope that you make China’s economy fail so that it doesn’t overtake the United States as an economic superpower becauaase I donut know what that would look licke and it make me nervus. Mom flushed a turtle down’t the toilet but donut be mad at her she is a good mom and I love her. What TV shows do you watch? I watch Sesame Street Umizoomi Yo Gabba Gabba and The Wire. Did you like Season 2 of The Wire? Some people think it’s weird because it’s so different but I think maybe that’s why it’s god I don’t know. Oops snacktime bye bye God.

Love,
Toby “Tire Iron” Peterson (Age 2)

Dear God,

I want a pony. So please make an adult man horse have sex with a female adult horse and get her horse pregnant and then have the baby horse which is a type of pony run away from the farm and run all the way to my room I promise I will take care of it and that the mommy and daddy will get over their loss eventually.

Thank you,
Eleanor Roosevelt (Age 9)

Dear God,

After my wife and newborn child died in a car accident I’ve struggled with my faith. I’m sure You can understand my difficulty in believing in some superior, omniscient and omnipotent being who sees and controls all and who let this happen. Some people say that You work in mysterious ways, but I think that is a misuse of the word “mysterious.” These were useless deaths, and there is no window you can open to make up for this closed (and bloodied) door. Perhaps you were punishing me. As if having your family turn its back on you and an entire neighborhood shun you and cast you sideways glances as you clean the spattered egg from your windows and the toilet paper from the tree in your front yard and scrub away the graffittied “It’s Adam And Eve Not Baby Adam And Adult Eve” from your car’s rear windshield. If You were punishing me in then why didn’t you take my life? Hadn’t Susan suffered enough already for her decision to marry me? Our love was true, as You in your Infinite Wisdom must know, and she stuck by my side through everything, but it couldn’t have been easy for her, marrying a 4-year-old boy. Yes, we were banished, cast out, forgotten, and alone, but we were together, and that was enough. Now she is dead, and I am left to walk this Earth for the remainder of my years, which is almost all of my years at this point, with nothing but regret in my heart. My therapist suggested that I write you these letters once a year on the anniversary of their deaths. Frankly, I think it’s nonsense, but at $150-an-hour, her advice is at least worth trying once. I hope that when I do die, that You are real and that I get to meet You so that I can tell You to Your face how much I hate You.

Benny (age 5)

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Download here. Tracklisting after the jump:

Tracklist:

6’7″ – Lil Wayne
What’s My Name – Rihanna
This Is Real – Best Coast
What The Hell – Avril Lavigne
Moves – New Pornographers
Moment 4 Life – Nicki Minaj
Learned To Surf – Superchunk
Jellybones – Unicorns
Electric Music and the Summer People – Beck
What’s Up Fatlip – Fatlip
Hold On – King Driis
Good Friday – Kanye West
You & Me – Diamond Rings
Make Some Noise (Passion Pit Remix) – Beastie Boys
Motivation – Lil B the Based God
Pennies – Smashing Pumpkins
The Wall – Yuck
Freak Scene – Dinosaur Jr.
Under Cover of Darkness – The Strokes
Age of Consent – New Order free online blackjack