Shorty Wanna Ride With Worker #3116?


There are a lot of things on my mind and the theme is “which of these things is not like the others, and by ‘which’ I mean ‘all’”. Remember, this diary is for MY INNERMOST PERSONAL THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS, so it DOES NOT MATTER WHAT YOU THINK, or if I BORE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU WITH DISORGANIZED THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS THAT SEEMINGLY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER. As Britney would say, “I gotta be me, y’all.”

As you know, I have been watching FOX’s hit T.V. show The O.C. on the DVDs. Four episodes down and I can say this: I enjoy this show, and I do not believe one single thing about it. It’s so hackneyed it’s like fucking Stephen Spielberg and M. Night Shamalayananaya, the two GREATEST FILMMAKERS IN THE HISTORY OF FILMMAKERS EVER got together and smoked each other’s poles and then wrote it. BOO REALISM!

This morning I saw the Young Buck video for “Shorty Wanna Ride” and I was blown away by two things. For those of you who have not seen it, it is styled after Natural Born Killers, but if you watch the first thirty seconds of the video, maybe even less, you will have your mind fucking blown the fuck out. First of all, it starts with a fake newscast about the nationwide manhunt for super-criminal Young Buck. But who is the newscaster with a terrible, fake Australian accent? Pauly Shore. PAULY SHORE IS FEATURED THROUGHOUT THE VIDEO. Secondly, the camera pulls back from the television to reveal Young Buck sitting at the counter in a greasy spoon. By all accounts, the set designer did a relatively good job of recreating the look and feel of a roadside diner (with the possible exception of a guitar mounted on the wall because you’re like “um, what’s up with that acoustic guitar mounted on the wall?” and it isn’t until later that Young Buck’s eponymous “shorty” pulls it off the wall and smashes it over the head of a white guy in a cowboy hat and you’re like “good thing that acoustic guitar was mounted on the wall”) but so, okay, diner. Right. We’re in a diner. SO WHY IS YOUNG BUCK DRINKING GLACEAU BRAND VITAMINWATER? Ha ha. Ha ha ha. The end of the video is great, too, because Young Buck escapes from his high profile courtroom drama and is running through the back halls of justice and finds all these government secrets that he reveals for Pauly Shore, like a door marked “Florida Votes” that opens into a room stacked high with the fraudulently stolen votes of disenfranchised black people (one assumes), and then “Weapons of Mass Destruction” which opens onto this room filled with toxic looking barrels marked “Iraq”, and then “Area 51″ which opens onto a room where surgery on an alien is taking place. But my all-time favorite is when Young Buck (who is shirtless during all this, and relatively ripped, surprise!) shoulders open a door marked “Illuminati” behind which a bunch of white men in suits are playing, like, “Worldopoly” with REAL CASH MONEY! This is almost as funny as the VitaminWater, because I have a very strong feeling that Young Buck arrived on set and was like, “What’s illumanatitini?”

Then last night I saw the new episode of the Real World and it was really fucked up. Everything about it just grossed me out and left me feeling super uncomfortable. The main plot line was about how horny Sarah is and how she just has to get laid, like, immediately or her fake breasts will stop working, and so she’s out at this gay bar and starts dancing with some guy, and she’s all into him, and I’m like “well, um, you met him at a gay bar, remember? And he was a pretty good dancer, so, that’s like, a big hint!” And then he tells her he’s gay but she just keeps saying, “But I want to fuck you.” The whole episode revolves around how she keeps pestering him and nagging him to stop being gay and to just fuck her already, and for whatever reason he kind of gives in to this, and Willie made what seemed like a very good point which is that for a gay man to sleep with a woman brings up pretty major identity issues, and that Sarah should not force him into doing this unless she’s sure that she has feelings for him because otherwise it’s just mean, and she’s like, “Well, no, I don’t have feelings for him, but he’s cute, and I’m horny, so basically, I’m going to make him fuck me.” Then I was like, “Wait a second, this isn’t making me feel uncomfortable, because the only thing I care less about than gay people is whores!” Ha ha, then I laughed myself all the way into the bathroom and threw up.

Remember, last weekend, when there was that girl who said she had a gold tooth, and I asked her how much it would be worth if I was to take it out of her, and she was like, “Take it out of me?” and I was like “40 dollars? You think 40?” CONSIDER THAT MONEY SPENT, BITCH!

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