ADIDAPOTUS

Last night I dreamed that I was passing under this willow tree after a heavy rainstorm and I looked over to my left and President Bush was sitting in a chaise lounge reading a magazine, and I said, “Mr. President, I’m really sorry, sir, but I think that when I pass under this branch it’s going to knock a bunch of rain water on you,” and he said “It’s okay, I totally know what you mean.” For some reason, though, this exchange inspired the President to come talk to me on the steps of a brownstone and as soon as he sat down his press secretary appeared, but it wasn’t Scott McClellan, it was more like Suzie McClellan, and President Bush turned to me and was like “Do you have any questions for me, the President of the United States?” and I don’t remember what I asked him but then Suzie McClellan was like, “I advise you not to answer that, sir,” but Bush was like, “No, that’s a really good question, I’d be happy to answer that.” So then he gives some answer that is basically like “Our mortal enemy is Saudi Arabia,” and immediately the President realizes he’s made a mistake and Suzie McClellan is super pissed and all of these journalists appear to try and get my story and everyone I know is really amazed not only that the President of the United States of America—The Greatest Country on Earth—wanted to talk to me, but that I was able to extract such a startling piece of top secret information from him with just one insightful question. To give you a sense of what a big deal this was, a few minutes later I picked up a newspaper and there was already a front page story told by a guy who simply overheard our conversation, right, you see, but everyone was still dying to interview me and stuff because now I knew that the President was going to invade Saudi Arabia if he was elected to a second term. Then I was standing in this apartment thinking about calling People magazine and selling my story when the President burst in with a bunch of Secret Service agents and he kept being like, “You have to understand…” and “See, the thing I was trying to say was…” and I was like, “Mr. President, sir, talk to the hand because my face is not listening to you at all.”

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