We Refuse to Negotiate With Terrorists When We Have Pooped Our Pants

We were supposed to get cable/internet hooked up yesterday but the guy never showed up, and so Stevil was trying to get in touch with this lady at Comcassholes who apparently runs the company from her cell-phone, and she had been no help and had started saying crazy things, such as we already have cable and internet, and if we don’t have cable and internet we need to contact the previous tenants and ask them why not, etc…So when Stevil was telling me all of this in a very drawn out email conversation I started getting very upset and panicky and was like OH SHIT, WHAT CAN I DO? WE MUST SOLVE THIS TRAGIC PROBLEM IMMEDIATELY! And it took me literally an hour to be like, “Wait a second, not only will this all work out in the end and we’ll get our cable and our internet hooked up, but it’s also cable and internet, something I did not have in my last apartment without any apparent distress.”

Situations like this, incidentally, make me very concerned for moments in my life that are sure to happen where some real crisis occurs, i.e. I lose an arm and the use of one of my eyeballs in a strange grocery store loading dock accident or my mom is taken hostage by Basque separatists. Because you cannot successfully negotiate with a bunch of violent idiots who think that a stupid strip of land in the middle of Western Europe should be made into an entirely new, politically useless, multi-lingual sovereignty when you’ve shit your pants. Sorry, mom. I’m sorry the Basques killed you.

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