Okay, so when I last left you there was the faint breeze of an impending revolution against Big Brother–in this case, bearing the totally original moniker of “father”–led by none other than Empire of the Sun‘s own Christian Bale who has somehow survived both World War II and III. There are plenty of super crazy twists and turns, as you might have expected, i.e. you expected them so they are not surprising at all, and are, in fact, totally boring and cliché.

But, okay, so in the final confrontation with “father”, Christian Bale kills all these guys with swords** and the only person left between him and his target is Taye Diggs, who sure smirks a lot for someone who feels no emotion. He quickly dispatches Taye Diggs with a sword (thankfully avoiding what would have been the seventy-thousandth overblown, pixellated fight sequence) and you just know that the special effects guys had received their imac in the mail the day before when Taye Diggs turns his profile to the camera and his FACE SLIDES OFF OF HIS HEAD! Boy, the only thing sharper than those swords are those graphics, huh!?! Then there is a fight sequence between Christian Bale and “father” and “Christian Bale” wins. Then there is this overhead shot of Christian Bale standing in a room surrounded by the corpses of the dudes he’s been killing like hotcakes. At this point I literally had to stop the dvd and rewind it and then pause on this overhead shot and then get really close to the tv because there was something that just didn’t seem right…what is that…that…that brown smudge in the middle of the floor? Oh, THAT IS TAYE DIGG’S SLICED OFF FACE!!! I seriously crapped my pants and passed out from laughing so hard, and when I woke up I had a raging haha boner.

**The filmmakers kept trying to use new weapons for each sequence since each sequence was exactly the same Matrix rip-off. The most surprising was when Christian Bale was surrounded by these soldiers with assault weapons and he pulls out his two pistols and hits some button on the grip and nails spring out from the bottom and he starts smashing in their faces with the butts of his pistols and the whole time you are thinking, Wouldn’t shooting them be easier than hitting them with nails? And who would install these spring-activated nails in the butt of a perfectly good gun? to which I’m sure the Equilibrium writer-director–who stays up nights wishing he could be more like M. Night Shyamalan because for some reason no one realizes that M. Night Shyamalan sucks balls–would respond “but those nails are sweet, and he kills people with them and then puts them away!”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>