I Will Give You $100 Dollars to Kill Yourself

Rarely does Falluja make it into the Corporate Casual Headline of the Day, and today’s winner is no exception:

“Son to Hitman: ‘Kill Mom, Don’t Hurt the TV”

Usually, I think that parents are being kind of awful when they talk about how ungrateful their children are, but this woman may have a pretty strong argument to back up such a claim.

“Tipped by an informant that Chereza had offered to pay to have his mother killed, an undercover detective posed as someone willing to do the job, Fort Myers police said.

Chereza offered the detective $2,000 that he expected to inherit from his mother’s bank account, and gave him the keys to the family apartment, a map of the apartment and a picture of his mother, the police report said. He asked that the shooting be made to look like a burglary, it said.

‘Carlos stated that he didn’t want anything to happen to the television,’ the detective wrote in the arrest report.”

First of all, this kid should have known he was being set-up. $2000 dollars is a very cheap hit, especially when you are trying to pay using the victim’s own money. I’m not sure there is a single hitman on the planet who’s like “well, so you really can’t pay until after the hit? Not even half? (whistle) Two grand is a helluva lotta money, I guess it’s a risk I just have to take!” Also, if you have to ask that the shooting look like a burglary, you’re probably not dealing with a professional. More importantly, though, let’s look at all the facts:

1. “Please make it look like a burglary.”
2. “Please do not let anything happen to the television.”
3. “Upon completion of the task I will give you my entire inheritance: $2000.”

Now, WHAT, may I ask you, was this hitman supposed to burgle? A box of Bugles and old issues of Hawk magazine?

Speaking of Hawk magazine, any skinmag that publishes a picture of a girl sitting spread-eagle on the floor, eating a can of beans with a plastic fork, is the kind of skinmag that makes me want to rub one out.

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