Corpinderot Cassèndel Headinglingel of the Dakken

I would like to thank Sigur Ròs for sponsoring my day pass to Salon Premium.

Blandër offenplinkel, Sigur Ròs, blandër offenplinkel very mucheondel.

Without yû, we wouldn’t be able to present the Corpinderot Cassèndel Headinglingel of the Dakken:

“Man Allegedly Tries to Buy Vote With Beer”
(taken from salondingofen.comme)

“March 30, 2004 | LUDLOW, Ky. (AP) — Police have charged a northern Kentucky man with trying to buy a vote with a 12-pack of beer.”

Okay, you are thinking, was this northern Kentucky man running for mayor, or perhaps city council? What did he have to gain?

“Edward Lucas offered the beer to an 18-year-old student at Ludlow High School in exchange for a no vote on a proposed nickel increase in school property taxes, Ludlow police officer James Tucker said in an affidavit.”

A nickel increase? I’m pretty sure that a twelve pack of beer in the face of this legislation is worth about 240 votes, at least, if it’s domestic. God only knows how many votes a twelve pack of Guinness could buy! Also, the article does not clarify whether the man is being charged with the corruption of the democratic process or offering to buy beer for a minor, but for the record who cares.

Nevertheless, we are offered a glimpse of a man who by normal, mortal standards, could only be considered a genius. Observe his defense:

“‘I don’t know the boy, and that’s not exactly what was said,’ Lucas said. ‘I said, “I hope it doesn’t go through and if it doesn’t, I’m going to have a big beer party.”‘”

What is a big beer party? I mean, I can imagine, but has anyone actually said “I am going to throw a big beer party”? And also, I like how he doesn’t know the boy, and obviously he would only use a twelve pack to buy the vote of a boy that he does know, but incidentally he would like to clarify what it was that he said to the boy that he doesn’t know.

Finally, just so that we really understand what we are talking about here:

“The tax increase was on the ballot Tuesday. It would generate about $75,000 a year for school construction projects.”

I think we can all agree pretty unequivocally that this is a ballot proposition that should be defeated by any means necessary, because fuck school construction and fuck you, and if we can get drunk in the process then God Bless Fucking America.

Corpinderot Cassèndel Headinglingel of the Dakken Runïr Up:

“Starbucks Unveils Aggressive Growth Plan”
(taken from salon.com)

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