I Demand To Be Elected President of Supergreat Families Forever in America the Greatest Country in the World

On the radio yesterday, I heard this guy from Supergreat Families Forever in America the Greatest Country in the World, or some similarly named political action group, and he was saying that gay marriage was sick and wrong and also, incidentally, illegal and going to destroy the world. Fine. We all know and agree with that. But then he also said “I believe there is some statistical analysis that proves that a child does better when raised by his biological mother and father.”

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that being president of SFFAGCW is not that hard of a job, because basically you are just waking up every day, having two cups of strong coffee, then blowing shit out of your ass and calling it fact. BUT, I also think that one of the most important tasks in your role as president would be finding any kind of statistical evidence, no matter how flawed or felonious or flat-out made up, to back up your argument that as soon as gays legally marry, crack will become legal, everyone will be dead, God will pee on us for sinning so hard, and none of our puppies will get into heaven. All you have to do is find some morally certain doctor to pack black people’s skulls with coffee beans and white people’s skulls with sand to show that white people are smarter and gays are choosing a life style that is decadent and depraved. So, now, let’s go back to what the President of SFFAGCW actually said: “I believe there is some statistical analysis that proves that a child does better when raised by his biological mother and father.” In all of his hard work deleting porn from his hard drive before his wife got home from bible study, he has yet to find an actual statistical analysis that proves a point he believes to be true. That is his only job, to find people to back up his beliefs, and he cannot do it. As it so happens, I believe that there is statistical evidence that proves that Christians base much of their daily behavior on the dictates of a celebrity diet plan rather than the teachings of the bible, but because I am not paid to sit around and dig up numbers it doesn’t matter what I believe.

This guy should be fired. It is time that we had someone fighting for the rights of families to discriminate against fags with hard data behind us. It is time we found someone who knew how to use the internet to eliminate margins of error and select predetermined “focus groups” to prove our point once and for all that if you are doomed to an eternity in hell then your earthly union cannot be joined in heaven.

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