I Am Ready For Your “Work”

My endless pursuit of more gainful and fulfilling employment also leads me to search out the best possible cover letter to help get me that killer job!

So, if you have a good cover letter I could use by just switching my name and address for your name and address, send it to me. Consider this a “call for entries.”

Yay! We have a winner. Thanks “The Beez,” if it wasn’t for you and your fan club I would have to write something on my own, and I don’t want to do that because I am so laaaaazzzzzyyyyyy.

February 15, 2004

To Whomever My Desperation May Concern:

I am interested in any position for which you will pay me. I have spent a lot of time doing a lot of stuff. I am confident I can do more different stuff for you. As a finance legal assistant, journals editorial assistant, U.S. Embassy political assistant, neuroscience research assistant, Chefâ??s assistant, administrative assistant (twice), and literary agent assistant, I have been trained in the assistance art. I know how to be the wind beneath your wings. And you won’t have to worry about this wind thinking it can do the flying. Wind flying? That don’t make any kind of sense to me! Believe me, I know where the shadows are and I am content remain ensconced within them.

In addition to assisting, my executive skill set also includes coordinating, preparing, organizing, managing, maintaining, processing, corresponding, supervising, communicating, and synthesizing. I even spearheaded a few times, though never with an actual spear. I honed once, but half way through the honing, I began processing. At which point, I stopped and I collated.

Please don’t be confused or, God forbid, intimidated by my Masters degree. It does not qualify me to do anything, much less does it overqualify me. The interdisciplinary nature of my Masters program allowed me to engage in different kinds of academia, from studying the shifts in interpretive theory in the last century, to contemporary literary theory, ethnography, cinema and race studies. So you see, I got nothing for you. Furthermore, I completed a 90 page Masterâ??s thesis on, get this, historiographic metafiction. It seemed pretty important at the time. If anything, my graduate experience has given me a valuable understanding of and appreciation for endlessly and monomaniacally pursuing a task of no particular interest. Let me put this skill to work for you.

In conclusion, I bring to the position the preferred experience and the exploitable despair. Doing whatever for you (preferably, assisting whatever) would be a tremendous opportunity, I guess. Finally, and most importantly, I am in no way burdened by any expectations of job satisfaction.

I look forward to hearing back from you, because maybe then I’ll stop punching myself.

May the Lord Bless You,

“The Beez”

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