I was sitting on the subway train yesterday, facing a normal enough looking man. A human man, I would have assumed, based on his clothing, which was p-coat, watchcap, etc. (He did have on some kind of weird patterned silk shirt, like he was trying to blend into the background of Garden State or something, which might have been a red flag, or a mustard yellow fleur-de-lis on a background of chains flag.) For most of the train ride, I was engrossed in my magazine article, but at some point I noticed furious movement from the man in front of me. He was chewing his nails. FINE. People chew their nails all the time. Except that he was chewing them like they were made out of candy and there had just been an announcement that if you don’t finish all the candy as quickly as possible you’re going to die. The man was not chewing his nails, he was eating his nails, like a RAT. The way a RAT eats its nails.
NOM NOM NOM, indeed.
He would pause and rest his hand on his thigh, but this lasted for maybe two seconds, and then it was GET THOSE FINGERS BACK IN MY MOUTH NOW THANKS. This went on until he got off the train, and one must assume that it kept going, and if I was a serious on-line diaryist I would have gotten off the train and followed him to take the blue pill to see how deep the rabbit hole goes for a SERIOUS ANECDOTE, but I don’t care. Fuck that guy. He is the grossest guy. I hope he accidentally gets almost enough poison on his nails to kill him but not quite and gets really sick and learns a valuable lesson. ABOUT NOT DOING THAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME, SPLINTER?