Cause Tonight Livin’ in the Opposite of a Fantasy, In Her Own Little Nasty World

First, let’s get this out of the way:

Q: Do you subscribe to JET?
A: Yes.

OK, so I was looking through the new Chris Brown cover issue of JET to see if there is any new information on Chris Brown’s T-Cell count, and I was simultaneously delighted and appalled by this month’s “Where is…” column about the original nasty girl, Vanity. Or, as she is known in the evangelical churches where she now ministers as a born again Christian, Denise Matthews. So, Vanity, how’s your vagina?

“I have been a virgin in Jesus Christ for almost 10 years,” says Matthews who lives alone with her five cats. “It’s a great testimony to have that. I wouldn’t even think about letting anyone touch me. I look at myself now as a treasure and respect myself.”

Um, what? I’m all for looking at yourself as a treasure, obs, but I don’t see what treasure has to do with being a sad unsexed cat lady. If that’s treasure, I don’t want to be a pirate. Anymore. What? Forget it. It’s Chinatown.

She’s a nasty girl, yes, but as the years go by the meaning of nasty changes.

She does peritoneal dialysis at her home five times a day for 20 minutes. “I do it manually by myself. Most people do it when they are asleep, but I don’t want to be hooked up to a machine while I’m sleeping.”

Whoops, I just killed myself.

In case anyone reading this doesn’t know what dialysis is, it’s the mechanical process of filtering the blood, which is done by machine in the event of renal failure. My dad used to work at a dialysis clinic, and I can assure you that it is the most depressing kind of clinic. So, there you go. This just goes to show, you should never ask “where are they now” unless you’re ready for the answer. I’m sure Denise Matthews is so excited that her fans are out there, writing in to JET to find out what is the deal. She almost married Prince. Shoulda woulda. One morning you wake up and all your dreams have turned into dialysis and so many cats. Warning to Celebrities: If JET ever calls you to find out what happened, HANG UP THE PHONE. Even if you have a successful real estate business.

If you want JET to find out what’s happened to your favorite celebrity, let us know at (sic)

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