An Open Letter to the Asian Guy Near the Stairs at the Broadway/Lafayette Subway Stop This Morning

Dear Asian Guy Near the Stairs at the Broadway/Lafayette Subway Stop This Morning,

First let me please just say that I commend you. This is an exhausting city in every way: financially, emotionally, and physically. I often wonder how it is that people can afford to live here on service industry wages, and anyone who shows the tireless, sweat-stained pluck and vigor upon which this country was built gets a tip of my cap. Whether you are simply a high-school educated family man trying to earn his daily bread (rice?), or one of those “I was a surgeon back in Singapore” immigrants, I know little about your life except that it is filled with hard work and (I’m assuming, since you haven’t killed yourself) optimism.

On a more critical note, but one that I think might help you in your business affairs, let me tell you a little bit about me. At 9 o’clock in the morning, I am thinking about a lot of things. I am thinking about the day ahead and what it might contain. I think about whether or not blondes have more fun, and I think they probably do, but that their definition of fun might not be my definition of fun. I am thinking about Spencer Pratt. I am thinking, at 9 am in the morning, on my way to work, about the age old question if God is omnipotent could God make a sandwich that God could not finish. I am thinking about my elbows and just how deadly they are and if I will ever be forced to unleash their fury upon a face. I am thinking about whether anyone in Africa has actually stood in a river and taken a bath in the trunk-spray from an elephant like they always seem to get in the movies. I am thinking about how Astronaut means an American space explorer while Cosmonaut means a Russian space explorer, and how that is hilarious. I am thinking about how when I was in elementary school I had a rat tail for a few months, and how that rat tail was a pivotal moment in my life upon which everything could have turned out very differently (poor) had I not realized my error the summer before fifth grade. At 9 am on my way to work I think about all kinds of things.

Here’s one thing that I don’t think about at 9 am on my way to work, indeed something I’d rather not think about: Thai food. Don’t get me wrong, Thai food under many, many circumstances is a delicious food. But there is a reason why there is no lemongrass and red curry pork McGriddles on the McDonald’s breakfast menu.

And speaking of menus, 9 am is not a time to be handing out yours.
Sincerely,
Worker #3116

P.S. Your restaurant-issued vest had so much flair (flair = sadness).

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