Oh my there-is-no-God, you guys, I had the worst dream last night. As we all know, life is created by the simple interaction of matter and energy, thereby PROVING that God doesn’t exist, and we don’t have to believe in Him. For years, atheists like you and I have slept comfortably in the knowledge that we’re all alone in the universe, which has been a great comfort to us. It’s not just a sober intellectual realization that we live a bleak, unmoored existence, but a heart-warming anti-Christian party! But, and I don’t know if it was the left over lo mein that I ate right before bed, or Sunday’s weekly anti-church trip to the grocery store, but I had a horrible nightmare: if peanut butter is exposed to light, shouldn’t there be the emergence of new species of life? That’s our theory, right? That’s how we think life on Earth was created, right? Well guess what, guys: PEANUT BUTTER IS EXPOSED TO LIGHT ALL THE TIME. Our greatest fear as atheists, that someone would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that God exists, well that day has come. We. Are. Fucked. He exists, now. Jesus, too, I guess. I mean, while we’re at it. THE HONEYMOON IS OVER.
Now the only question is what tie am I going to wear to mass?