Keeping Score

(US Weekly)

Let’s just go through one by one, scientifically:

1. Jennifer Aniston

Pros: She is rich.

Cons: Her career is over because she’ll never be able to get out from under the weight of “Rachel” (or the weight of “Vince Vaughan,” DING DONG). She seems like a waitress. You’d basically be marrying a cocktail waitress with a lot of money. She seems like an asshole. Her body is too rope-y. She is like a bundle of ropes tied together with a tank top. She got dumped for Angelina Jolie and while you feel bad for her like, aw, that sucks, you also feel like, well, yeah, Angelina Jolie is way hotter even if she would probably cut your penis off and keep it in a glass test tube strapped to the inside of her left thigh with the tendons of a lion she killed using her teeth on the set of Tomb Raider: Curse of the Jade Scorpion.

2. Cameron Diaz

Pros: None.

Cons: She looks like the Joker. She’s 1,000 years old. She has worse skin than a teenager, and teenagers have horrible skin. She is probably one of those girls who plays sports too hard, like you’d just want to have a fun game of touch football in the park and she’d get all agro on you and fucking break your fucking teeth out and then laugh. And that laugh. Her laugh makes me want to curl up into a ball and put that ball into a cannon and shoot that ball into a plate glass window, and take the now shredded ball (that is my body) and drop it in the ocean, and freeze the ocean over with Ice-9. You would have to follow up Justin Timberlake who is universally considered to be hot and talented, and also he is rich. Oh, and he’s young. Also, when you came in Cameron Diaz’s hair it wouldn’t be sexy at all, it wouldn’t even explore the power dynamics of selfish male sexual aggression. It would just be a lame Farrelly Brothers rip-off, who might as well be called the Fart and Retard Brothers.

3. Jessica Simpson

Pros: Does Anal.

Cons: She is Jessica Simpson.

I HAVE STUMPED SCIENCE.

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