Red Shoe Online Diaries

I have been baffled for a few weeks now by the weekly “Sex Diaries” in New York Magazine’s Daily Intelligencer on-line diary. Every week, it’s basically the same thing: a young New Yorkiteian details their sex life, except WHAT ARE THESE SEX LIVES? The one that I linked to is actually relatively tame in comparison to some of the other ones that I’ve read, but are you people really fucking five different dudes every day of the week? (That is a total of 35 dudes, which is the same number of AIDS that you have). Gross. Anyway, in the spirit of “what happens in the on-line diarysphere, stays being made fun of in the on-line diarysphere,” I figured I would chronicle a week in my own love life:

Day 1
10:45 AM: Watching episodes of 30 Rock on-line. I don’t get cable.
01:00 PM: Try to have a really sexy on-line chat with my friend Lindsay. I write “You are a fart!” but get her “I am in a meeting” busy auto-response. Go to lunch horny.
07:30 PM: The gym is full of horrifying dudes with hamburger shoulders and orangetan faces, all of whom are definitely getting laid more than I am.
10:00 PM: Go for drinks at my neighborhood bar with some friends. The bartender makes a joke about how we’re all fags. I go home alone.

Day 2
09:00 AM: I drink my coffee so hornily.
10:30 AM: Try to have a sexy on-line chat with my friend Lindsay but she just keeps talking about something she read on boingboing.
02:30 PM: I eat a banana for a snack so hornily.
07:00 PM: Jiu jitsu is the sexiest part of my day, too bad it is gay sexy.
10:30 PM: Go for drinks at my neighborhood bar with some friends. The bartender makes a joke about how we’re all fags. I go home alone.

Day 3
09:30 AM: Saw a really cute girl on the subway. Sat as far away from her as possible.
12:00 PM: My salad at lunch is making me so horny.
04:30 PM: I drink my afternoon coffee super sexily, but none of my co-workers seem to notice.
10:30 PM: Go for drinks at my neighborhood bar with some friends. The bartender makes a joke about how we’re all fags. I go home alone.

Day 4
11:00 AM: Have a hot sexy chat with my friend Lindsay about this article in the New York Times about food bloggers.
03:30 PM: I go out clubbing all afternoon. There is a girl at the club who looks interested, but her fingers are too fat. I go home alone.
10:30 PM: Go for drinks at my neighborhood bar with some friends. The bartender makes a joke about how we’re all fags. I go home alone.

Day 5
09:00 AM: I go home alone.
10:30 AM: I go home alone.
12:00 PM: I go home alone.
02:30 PM: Late lunch.
04:00 PM: I go home alone
08:30 PM: I go home alone.
10:30 PM: Go for drinks at my neighborhood bar with some friends. The bartender makes a joke about how we’re all fags. I go home alone.

Day 6
10:30 AM: I eat the sexiest bagel of my life. It is so hot.
01:00 PM: Super sexy chat with Lindsay about how she hates Chinatown and just Asians in general.
07:00 PM: Jiu jitsu. Every time I think it can’t get any gayer, it gets way gayer. Today we did a hold that was basically 69. 69 is a hot sex position for sex.
10:30 PM: Go for drinks at my neighborhood bar with some friends. The bartender makes a joke about how we’re all fags. I go home alone.

Day 7
09:00 AM: I drank my coffee this morning but didn’t even feel horny about it. Maybe something is wrong.
12:30 PM: Lunch was pretty sexy, I guess, but not the sexiest lunch ever. I’ve had way sexier lunches, especially that one sexy lunch when I was so horny.
03:30 PM: Had a chat with Max today. Lindsay got soooooo jealous.
06:30 PM: Had awesome superhot sex with a woman. Just kidding.
10:30 PM: Go for drinks at my neighborhood bar with some friends. The bartender makes a joke about how we’re all fags. I go home alone.

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