The Goonies 2: Full Throttle

A Filmmakerâ??s Guide to Updating Classic Favorites for the Next Generation

Instead of finding E.T. in the cornfield while heâ??s in the backyard playing catch, Elliot should find E.T. at the internet cafe. E.T. looks like a human being but is actually an alien, that way you can have Josh Hartnett play E.T. Heâ??s totally cool, with awesome cool clothes that we can merchandise and everyone will be wearing them. E.T-shirts, etc. Oh, and E.T. should be able to play video games with his mind and everyone is like, â??Oh crap,â? and we show the hottest new video game. Instead of dressing E.T. up as a ghost for Halloween the kids dress him up as Ryan Seacrest. Josh Hartnett could definitely pull off Seacrest. And letâ??s have Drew Barrymore play Elliottâ??s mom. Thatâ??s perfect. So meta, I love it. Instead of E.T. building a space communicator with a Speak-n-Spell letâ??s give him some kind of futuristic Nokia that doesnâ??t even exist yet. Whatever, it can be Samsung, just make it hot. When the government intercedes and takes E.T. away letâ??s make it the Department of Homeland Security, who think E.T. is a member of al-Qaeda. Topical And in the climactic chase scene at the end they shouldnâ??t be riding bikes, they should be riding Yamah motorcycles, and a cop car will flip over and explode. Oh snap! Also E.T.â??s spaceship looks like crap, make it cool. Kids donâ??t want to see crap.

The Goonies
This is smart, fun, exciting adventure for kids, but it could definitely use a face-lift if itâ??s going to keep speaking to contemporary youth. First of all, black Goonie. We need to get a real â??streetâ?? kid in there with his slang, popping and locking. Weâ??ll call him D-Block. Instead of the Fratellis, letâ??s have the Sopranos, or the real-life Gottis. Thereâ??s definitely some cross-promotional potential there. Fugetaboutit, Goonies. Remember when Chunk finds that freezer full of ice cream? Not good enough. Freezer full-of Ben nâ?? Jerryâ??s ice cream. No one eats Rocky Road, so make it Chubby Hubby. Cherry Garcia. See where Iâ??m going with this? Letâ??s update the booby traps, too. Lasers. At some point a cop car flips over and explodes. Instead of an Asian kid who makes gadgets that donâ??t work, how about a native Hawaiian kid who makes gadgets that do work. Then we can make a line of gadget toys. Perfect. And instead of a pirate ship, they end up finding a buried space caravan that has traveled from the future and is filled with awesome video games and Nokia phones that donâ??t even exist yet. Everyone is like â??sweet!â? X-Box 360, fuhgettaboutit. Weâ??re talking X-Box 3,000,000! HEY-OH! At the end everyone parties on the beach and we have someone perform live…Nelly performs live. Turns out Nelly is D-Blockâ??s cousin. Roll credits. Boys, I think we have a major hit on our hands.

Teen Wolf
What youâ??ve got in Teen Wolf is a lot of heart, but whereâ??s the punch? Whereâ??s the zing? So heâ??s a teenager and a werewolf? Why should I care? How does that make my problems seem any less difficult? Now, if he was a cross-bred vampire-werewolf, now youâ??ve got me hooked. Reel me in. An international secret society of druids believe that this vampire-werewolf could be the key to ending the centuries long war between the two societies, but the final showdown is going to occur on the same day as the final basketball game with Lincoln High School. He defeats the elder vampire Crul who has returned from a 700-year sleep to ensnare the world and turn humans into slaves. Teen Vampire-Wolf is the only one standing in his way…in his basketball uniform. Teen Vampire-Wolf sucks. Teen Volf. Teen Wampire. Come up with something. Also: Teen Volf discovers an underground cavern beneath the tiny house he shares with his father, like the Bat Cave. The Vampire Wolf Cave. Same problem. Fix it. Also we need a catch-phrase, something the Teen Wampire can say that is hot, that catches fire. â??Itâ??s Howl-Time!â? or maybe â??Lemmee Howl Atcha!â? Is there any way that instead of a basketball player, our hero is a freestyle rap battler like in 8 Mile? But without having to be poor? I donâ??t want a trailer park in this movie. Trailer parks do not put butts in seats.

Karate Kid
Martial arts is a great selling point, but letâ??s get some Matrix going on here. Thatâ??s so cool when people hang in the air and the camera is like WHOOOSH all around them, right, and then they take out, like, ten dudes! And letâ??s face it, he needs an update to his outfit. He canâ??t just wear a karate outfit, but maybe a karate outfit and then a floor-length silver leather jacket and when he enters a room in slow motion the coat falls off his shoulders and itâ??s like OH SNAP! KARATE KID IN THE HIZOUSE! Now, Mr. Miyagi was great, but kids these days arenâ??t going to relate to this story, itâ??s too creepy, an old man being friends with a young boy, why? Why are they friends? Is he a pervert? Of course heâ??s not, but you donâ??t even want the question to enter kidsâ?? heads. Besides, Pat Morita, God bless him, has joined the angels. SO….how about an Angelina Jolie type, like a Lara Croft type character. Stay with me, at first the Karate Kid is like â??No way am I going to learn from a girl,â? and then she kicks his butt. GIRL POWER! Together, they have to defeat a crime syndicate that is trying to bring illegally gotten South African diamonds into the country. The syndicate is using a competing martial arts school as a front for their illicit diamond trade. So at the final karate tournament thatâ??s where it all goes down. The Karate Kid wins the tournament, they catch the bad guys, and a police car flips over and explodes. Maybe this all actually happens IN THE MATRIX. Like a Matrix spin-off. Perfect. I love it.

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