What Started Out as a Joke Got Completely Carried Away

FORGIVE me, Firecrotch! Foot-in-mouth rich kid Brandon Davis says he’s sorry for his vulgar Lindsay Lohan-bashing tirade in which he joked about her private parts as Paris Hilton laughed her head off. “My behavior on May 16 was inexcusable,” Davis says in a statement that sounds like he had some help in writing. “What started out as a joke got completely carried away and I am horrified at the words that came out of my mouth. I consider Lindsay a friend and I hope she accepts my sincere apology for my reprehensible actions last week.”
(New York Post)

The full text of Brandon Davis’s apology:

“My behavior on May 16 was inexcusable. What started out as a joke got completely carried away and I am horrified at the words that came out of my mouth. I consider Lindsay a friend and I hope she accepts my sincere apology for my reprehensible actions last week.

If it would make Lindsay feel any better, I would like to remind her that she is not the only truly amazing friend I have subjected to this kind of behavior. I once stood in a puddle of my own urine outside of a burned-out Taco Bell screaming that Mary Kate Olsen has a ben-wah ball permanently stuck in her colon. I’ve been taped with my face pressed up to a glory hole, being face-pounded by anonymous dick (just kidding Basabe, I knew it was you the Hole time, get it?), while ranting about the death-rot puss-y ooze that Christina Aguilera’s vagina excretes when she gets excited. But everyone knows that Mary Kate Olsen and Christina Aguilera are two of my best friends in the whole world, and I would never do anything to hurt them.

Still, with all my heart, I believe that when I said Lindsay Lohan’s vagina smelled like diahrrea that it was a celebration, not an insult. Women should be proud of their bodies and the uniqueness of their sexual flowers. Rejoice! Womyn rejoice!

Again, I just want to totally fucking apologize and all that shit. You would be totally horrified at the words that came out of your  mouth, too, if you were as hopped up on amyl nitrate as I was, not to mention the 14 hour train I had just pulled with these black dudes from Mali. We’re talking Serengeti bushmen! Raping my asshole! FOR 14 HOURS! Sorry if I was a little bit out of it!

Love you, Lindsay. Sorry again. I’ll do anything to repair our friendship. I will suck on your clit (which is totally not 7-feet-long like I shouted in my cum-addled rage, but a nice, reasonable, 4cm, or whatever is just human size is what I’m saying) if that will help, and I hate clit!

Brands.

P.S. Here’s a picture of me thinking of you girl!

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