Clay Gayken

JUST as Page Six predicted two weeks ago, some homophobic Clay Aiken fans have lodged a formal complaint with the Federal Trade Commission over the marketing and promotional practices of Aiken’s label. They charge false advertising and misrepresentation and conspiring to market and promote Aiken – the “American Idol” contender who allegedly had a tryst with a former military man – in a false and deceptive manner. A spokesman for the group said, “As consumers, we feel ripped off. It is obvious now that the private Clay is very different from the manufactured, packaged public Clay who was marketed to us.”
(New York Post)

Dear Federal Trade Commission, 

Speaking as one music lover to another, I think we can both agree that one of the distinct pleasures of listening to a singer is knowing very firmly what that singer’s sexual orientation is. How am I supposed to enjoy the gentle croonings of a trite pop-singing reality TV construct when in his private life he is a gay homo? Because if I had known he was a gay homo I would not have voted for him 1,700 times while watching a TV show targeted to teenage girls. And I would NOT have purchased a debut album filled with cloying adult contemporary pop songs targeted to teenage girls.

You see, I believe that the media has an obligation to accurately market people based on their sexual orientation so that we, the consumers, know how to boycott faggots. It’s too easy in this lax world of declining morals to not only fail to boycott a faggot, but to SUPPORT THE CAREER OF A FAGGOT! This world is going to hell in a handbasket that perfectly matches its shoes.

What am I supposed to tell the children I have sired to prove my heterosexuality? Sorry, daddy’s little tokens of his masculinity, I didn’t know that that confessed lover of showtunes who became famous covering songs by Elton John is a faggot? They would hate me, like I hate the idea of someone being gay so much that I’m writing the Federal Trade Commission. I don’t even know what the Federal Trade Commission does I’m just so mad about this secret faggot! If you could get AIDS from listening to a CD I would have AIDS! That’s just messed up.

I urge you to take whatever kind of action is in the power of the Federal Trade Commission to have the words “Actually a Faggot” stamped on all of Mr. Aiken’s releases from now on. Meanwhile, I will be listening to the derivative, uninspired music of Maroon 5. I have read in the gossip pages that Adam Levine sleeps with all kinds of women. He’s probably the greatest singer of all time.

Sincerely,
Big Retarded Closeted Gay Asshole

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