It’s Friday, which means it is time for the weekly Top 40 hip-hop single review. Let it penis at you.
“There It Go (The Whistle Song)” â?? Juelz Santana
Every once in awhile there will be a mainstream cultural event that cross-pollinates with the underground. Jackasses in “co-ed naked” shirts will be into it. Guys in skinny ties and eye makeup will be into it. Girls with ‘Juicy’ printed on their butt will be into it. Girls who wear black-and-white striped tights and write manifestos against the exploitation of animals in the creation of new chewing gum flavors will be into it. This happened last summer with Kelly Clarksonâ??s “Since U Been Gone,” a song that literally dominated the world for at least a month. It also happened a few years ago with the movie Bring It On, because who doesnâ??t like girls in skirts flipping in the air? Everyone likes that. EVERYONE.
The opening of Juelz Santanaâ??s new single, “There It Go (The Whistle Song)” brings to mind the thudding breakbeats of Bring It On, or maybe Drumline. John Philip Souza would have been proud. If he werenâ??t dead. And probably a racist. The beat is basically announcing: “ladies, time to put on a pleated skirt and flip in the air. I will watch.” And they do it! The ladies love to flip for Santana. Theyâ??re like â??flip flip flip,â?? and Santanaâ??s like “whistle!”
Right. The whistle. It starts as a catcall, but then it moves down an octave, and then it moves down an octave again. I guess he can get away with this because he is a celebrity, but can you imagine a construction worker taking twenty seconds to whistle at a hot power-walking business woman? That bitch would be long gone and heâ??d still be sitting on his I-beam, with his lunch pail next to him, whistling. All his co-workers would be like “Shut the fuck up you stupid faggot.” The man who tried this whistle in real life would be nicknamed Snow White, and he would have animated birds on his shoulder, but no poontang in his life.
Letâ??s be honest, even Juelz Santana doesnâ??t quite understand what heâ??s doing:
Damn shorty look good and I’m thinkin bout gettin at her (okay)
Time to whistle at her
Hey girl you make my whistle blow
Time to whistle at you. Got it. You make my whistle blow? Okay…hold on…so, my whistle is my penis. But then that means “Time to whistle at her” means “Time to penis at her”? Attention metaphor police, we have an accident at the intersection of Whistle St. and Penis Blvd.
But the real problem for this song comes about a minute and a half in. Thatâ??s when all the cards have been laid out on the table and you realize, with a sinking feeling, that youâ??ve still got another minute and a half of staring at the same damn cards. Because I am bored, Santana, with your song. John Philip Souza understood the most important thing about a driving march: keep the people moving forward. You whistle at me SIX TIMES in the first minute and a half. I get it. You want me. Can we move on? Okay, Iâ??m moving on.