People are always asking me, “Why do you still watch the Real World,” and “Do you really watch the Real World, why?” or my favorite question: “The Real World SUCKS!”

Here is why: earlier this week McCullen was walking down the street and passed by a sorority girl on her cell-phone who said, “Did you know I missed last week’s Real World?! And I heard it was really good!” I do it to keep sluts like her off the streets. Without some way to catch up on missed episodes, she would be in the gutter, with crushed jello-shot cups strewn all around her head like some kind of Dixie-halo.

It’s been a few weeks, so we have some work to do:

Three Weeks Ago: Shell Necklace gets drunk and then someone pours a drink on him, and he goes into a violent rage. The world stands by, unimpressed, but still real. While this was a boring episode and made me sad about my priorities in life that they should still accommodate sitting on the couch from 10-10:30 PM on a Tuesday when I could be, say, conducting some kind of experiment on a neighborhood pet, or eating sleeping pills, it had one major benefit to it, which was that it centered on the real world’s encroachment on the Real World. As the show’s popularity has grown over the past, what, quarter-century that it’s been on the air, it’s harder and harder for the cast to just go about their “lives.” From what I understand, the actual residents of the host cities have gotten ever more aggressive in their persecution of the MTV kids. The guy who poured a drink on Shell Necklace’s head did so not because he was black, or because he said the wrong things, as may have happened to Kevin on Real World: Begins (who also, if memory serves, wore a shell necklace). The drink was poured simply because Shell Necklace was having his life taped to find out what happened when people stopped being polite and started being drunkenly antagonistic.

Two Weeks Ago: They go to a dude ranch. No one wants to go except Fuck-Head and maybe Iraqi Jane. One of the reasons that no one on any season of the Real World has EVER been interested in doing something different or new or out of their comfort-zone is because they came on the show to really learn about themselves and grow as people, and the only way to do that is to remain sequestered in the RW compound, and to get totally smashed on watermelon shooters and Lemon Drops at the same fucking bar every single night. Eye-Face tells someone at the dude ranch that he has doubts about his relationship with Fuck-Head. Her response: alligator tears, and a warbly “Hearing you say that you have doubts is really hard.” The bar for what is “hard” in life is lowered by something big to the power of ten. Perhaps it is just me, but this is where I find myself getting extremely frustrated with the directors/editors/producers of the Real World. I love watching a relationship go down in flames, but they even suck the life out of that. It’s got something to do with their interior decorator. Enough with the lime green walls, silver sofas, and kitschy neon signs, buddy.

Last Week: Pocahontas gets arrested, but some idiot bails her out and she’s already back on my TV by the end of the show. Oh well.

This Week: Pocahontas makes out with Bartender, which all fits in to Brick Brain’s Machiavellian scheme to win her heart. The way he figures it, all she has to do is dismissively sleep with other people and completely ignore him because he is a tool, and she will be HIS FOREVER. Meanwhile, Hot Topic, as I’ve pointed out in previous posts, is a virgin who dates a guy in a fucking wheel-chair. She refers to bands like Enon as “artsy-fartsy,” and the only way she can cum is by spying on her roommates with the secret camera. She spies on Pocahontas while she is doing something in the billiard room with Bartender’s candlestick, and gives her boyfriend the play-by-play. This is how he cums, because he is in a wheelchair. He has to mind cum. So they cum together, but I do not, because WHO FUCKING CARES ABOUT THIS SHOW? Oh, right, that sorority girl. Don’t worry, baby, I’m still here for you. I am such a gentleman, I recap your favorite show, pick up your RU-486, AND hold your hair out of your face when you throw up that half-fifth of Jaeger.

Next Week: South-by-Southwest arrives in Austin. Regular watchers of the Real World scratch their heads and go “South-by-South-What?”

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