It’s So Bad It’s Almost Good But Actually Goes Back to Being Bad but Then, Somehow, Gets Good, That’s How Bad It Is

You can’t really explain Satan’s Little Helper in the on-line diary format. My skill set and vocabulary are far too limited to really capture it. Basically, this little fat kid loves playing this video game that has graphics rendered in crayon. The game is called “Satan’s Little Helper,” and gameplay looks a lot like “Paperboy,” except you’re throwing people into hell instead of papers into windows. On Halloween the fat kid meets a murderer and pretends to be Satan’s Helper and they go around killing people in the middle of the day, but no one thinks anything of it because it’s Halloween, see, and then the fat kid’s family thinks that Satan is his sister’s boyfr–LOOK, I cannot explain this to you. It is beyond my powers. All I can say is that at one point they run down a pregnant woman, a baby, and a blind man with a shopping cart in the parking lot of a grocery store (which they call “the grocer”). Later, when Amanda Plummer is dying because Satan has taped her mouth shut, her daughter, who was dressed for a renaissance festival but is now wearing a chicken costume and high heels, tries to save her but can’t get the tape off and in desperation calls out, “DOES ANYBODY HAVE NAILS?” Then Satan shoots himself in the hand and dresses up as Jesus and pretends the bullet hole is stigmata and the fat kid fucking believes him because he’s such a retard.

Other notable dialogue:
“Hold on, I’m just going to go get the special cider mugs.”
“Where did this blood come from? Are you telling me the truth, or did you touch daddy?”
“Hello, helicopter? I need you to turn around and save us.”

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