Are Your Legs Tired? Because I’ve Been Chasing Your Vagina All Day

Page Six reports a mildly disgusting piece of salacious gossip this morning in which Bruce Willis is trading old pick-up lines poolside with some friends, and “uses” one of them on a college sophomore. It’s not disgusting that he used the line on what I’m assuming is a 19-year-old, I mean, Bruce Willis will be Bruce Willis, and besides, he was supposedly just telling her, lightheartedly, what he would have tried before he swore off co-eds on his 75th birthday. What is disgusting is that the hotel staff didn’t force that goddamn Crypt Keeper back into his cobweb covered blues rock coffin. Jesus Christ, I can smell his desiccated bald pate from here.

Anyhow, being a worldly man who wears only the finest Planet Hollywoood team jackets and solid gold studs in his sacky ears, Willis wouldn’t be so crass as to use the perfectly functional but style-less, “I am Bruce Willis, I was in Die Hard,” which probably would have worked fine. No, he went for the gadabout’s gentle touch, the infallible iron-dick-in-a-velvet-condom approach of, “What are your plans for sex tonight?”

Here are some other super-classy and turbo-sophisticated potential pick-up lines for Bruce Willis:

I want to have sex with you later. What time is best for you?
When are we having sex? It has to sometime tonight?
Here’s what I do know: that we’re going to be having sex tonight. But here’s what I still need to find out: where do you want me to cum on you?

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