Do you remember that old Nickelodeon show, Kid’s Court? This morning I was reminiscing about the only episode I remember, which featured an overweight kid taking his mom before the “Honorable Judge O’Meter”—as it should be, the justice of Kid’s Court was meted out by applause—for throwing out his collection of TV Guides. His mom wanted him to clean his room, but he always ignored her, so she decided to clean his room herself, and in so doing, threw out his collection, which he claimed included extremely rare issues. I think that was what cemented this landmark trial in my mind for life, because even when I was little I thought, Come on, fat kid, there’s no such thing as an extremely rare issue of TV Guide. When I was thinking about the show this morning I realized that not only did I totally take the mom’s side in this case, because I wouldn’t want my fat kid wasting his time with a piece of shit like TV Guide either (because where there’s fanaticism for empty-headed daytime-star puff pieces and exhaustive time-table scheduling, the fanaticism for donut eating and anti-social pipe bomb construction projects is not far behind), and more to the point, if I’m you’re dad and I tell you to clean your room you fucking clean your room and there’s no talking back either. I realized that I would probably take almost all of the parents’ sides in every case ever presented before the Kid’s Court. It’s not so much that I’m getting old, as that I think kids are retarded. They need to go to school and get smarter. And shut up.

Anyhow, in doing some very basic research for this post, I found this aspect of Kid’s Court that I did not remember:

“Kid’s Court always closed with “sound-offs,” when kids from the audience would tell what happened that was unfair to them, and then everyone in the audience would yell unfair.”

Good job, Nickelodeon. Your breakthrough work in children’s programming has done wonders for the self-entitlement industry.

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