I think we were walking down the street when we first noticed it? How we knew right away that the rooftop party we were seeing from the ground was Avril’s birthday party is anyone’s guess, but I think I was the one to call it out, and there was no trouble getting inside, we just walked up the stairs. She was playing some song, just her and her acoustic guitar, probably “Things I’ll Never Say.” (If I could say what I want to say/I’d say I wanna blow you/… away/Be with you every night/Am I squeezing you too tight/If I could say what I want to see/I want to see you go down/On me.) The party was dwindling and I remember Avril seemed to go out of her way to ignore me. She was all over her boyfriend, who was this creepy James Franco character, but not F&G Franco, more like ending of Spiderman 2: Spideryerman Franco, sinister and a little weepy. So don’t get so excited, ladies. People were leaving, including Avril, but for some reason I stuck around, and the next thing I knew it was just me and Franco, and I was telling him that I needed somewhere to spend the night. He got really angry, but also agreed. Then I heard him on the phone to some other woman, telling her not to worry, that he really loved her. “DUDE! You are engaged to Avril Lavigne, you cannot play her like that!” I told him, but he just gave me mean-eye and walked into the kitchen to get something from his brushed-stainless steel Sub Zero, cradling the cordless phone with his shoulder and saying “no, it was nothing, just the TV.” Anyway, I started making myself at home for the next couple of days. It was a beautiful apartment, two floors filled with natural light and an uncovered rooftop deck. I remember Franco was getting so angry that I wouldn’t just leave, and I, too, was wondering why I didn’t go stay with Ti-1000, or at least call him, because it’s not like I spend that much time in New York anymore, but I didn’t. At some point Franco suddenly had a child, and I was getting along really well with him, watching his programs with him while we sat on this designer couch and asking him what he wanted me to cook him for dinner, and Franco’s icy barrier was starting to melt. But things took a turn for the irreparable worse when some Black Riders from Mordor arrived to arrest us. I watched as Franco secretly gave the One Ring of Power to Avril Lavigne and told her to “keep it secret, keep it safe,” as we were led away. Even then, though, I could see something brewing behind those iron-gray eyes of his, and I knew we were all in deep trouble.

Then I woke up and it had all just been my dream!

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