Deconstructing the TomKat

If you pay any attention at all to celebrity gossip, then you know that the only thing anyone can talk about is Tom Cruise’s budding relationship with Katie Holmes. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said “budding relationship.” What I meant to say was [Tom Cruise's] “farcical publicity stunt to hide his homosexuality” [with Katie Holmes]. Rarely do I point out things that other people do well, lest I detract from the brilliance of my own burning star, but I’d highly recommend going to defamer.com and looking at their well-chosen photos from Cruise’s appearance on yesterday’s Oprah Show to get a sense of what I mean.

What seems to get lost in the shuffle of this disgusting, public, asex-capade is that for Mr. Cruise, it’s really nothing new. After his marriage to “Nic” fell apart*, he teamed up with Penelope Cruz to make sure the world knew that if there was any questioning of his heterosexuality, it could be laid to rest, because here was a real-life, flesh-and-blood woman that he was spending every waking moment getting his picture taken with doing stuff that guys do with gals all the time! Would a gay man be seen on a beach or at a movie premiere with a beautiful woman? You bet he wouldn’t. And if that doesn’t convince you, how about some PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE!

Over 60 percent of the American public believes that Cruise’s and Holmes’s relationship is a publicity stunt, in polls conducted by People and US Weekly, as reported in the New York Times. Of course, this poll failed to ask the obvious question, and thereby failed to get the obvious result, which is that over 99 percent of the American public believes that Cruise is a big homo.

*The dissolution of Tom and “Nic”‘s marriage was the basis for the film Eyes Wide Shut by legendary filmmaker Stanley Kubrick. The basic premise is that a wife [Nicole Kidman, the actress] tells her husband [Tom Cruise, the actor] that she wanted to leave him for a sailor that she saw in a restaurant. The husband gets sad and confused and goes to a dangerous sex party that reveals to him the darker, animalistic side of human nature, as well as the fragility of his own upper-middle-class existence. The film ends with the couple deciding that they will have to do the best they can, together, to face such a dangerous, scary world. In reality, the husband [Tom Cruise, the man] delves as deeply into this deviant sexual underworld as his aging body will allow, forcing the wife [Nicole Kidman, the woman] to leave him, which she doesn’t see as that big of a deal since she’s been looking for a way out for years. The other difference between the film’s version of events, and the events as they actually happened, is that the illicit sex party visited by the real-life Tom Cruise is portrayed in the film as comprised primarily of masked men and gorgeous female prostitutes. In real life, there were only men at the party, which Cruise did not mind in the least.

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