“Lil’ Kim’s reps, in a request that fans send e-mails on her behalf asking the judge in her perjury case for leniency in sentencing: ‘Do NOT criticize the justice system. Do NOT criticize the judge. Do NOT criticize the verdict. Do NOT criticize the court case or mention it in any way. Do NOT give opinions on what her sentence should be. Simply ask for leniency … Do NOT mention Martha Stewart or any other celebrities (especially those in the music industry).’”
This is Worker #3116, and I am writing you on behalf of L’il Kim. I really think that you should take it easy on her what with all your sentencing and stuff like that. Why? First of all, I think that she can fit a whole Sprite can in her mouth. I know, right?! Also let me ask you this question, which I think you might recognize from Law School as the socratic method: why not? Riddle me this, judge, what has L’il Kim ever done to hurt you? So why are you hurting her?
Look, judge, I’m not going to sit here forever and write you this email. You think you’re busy, you should see how busy I am. I’m real busy. What I want is for you to let L’il Kim free, and if you don’t, I think you might like to reflect on the precedent described in Free Mumia vs. Prison in which Mumia wants to be let out of prison. See what I’m saying? I’m not going to sink to the level of a lot of other L’il Kim fans and talk about Martha Stewart and Damon Dash and stuff. I’m going to appeal to your intelligence, and your brain: Do it because I say so. She’s just a liar, judge. A dumb, slutty liar. FREE HER OR ELSE! It’s not a threat, judge, it is simply an impassioned plea, and also do it.
This is bullshit, and everything about you is bullshit.
Loves you, judge.