Move Over Headlines, Here Comes Some News

I thought there might not be a CCHOD today, but then the A.P. filed a very special story at 10:54 a.m. So, I bring you the Corporate Casual Headling of the Day, late but still spectacular and deserving of your attentions:

“Man’s Finger Stuck in Payphone for Hours”
(taken from the New York Times)

In this instance, the article is so choice that I think I have nothing to do but reprint the entire thing here. I have read through it three times trying to pick out the best parts, but there are so many for such a short piece that it’s easier for you to just read it. From time to time I will add paranthetical commentary in order to bring out the funnies.

EAST ST. LOUIS, Ill. (AP) — A man and a pay phone were rushed to a hospital after he got his finger stuck in the coin return slot while trying to retrieve his 50 cents.
(Already fucking hillarious, and the story clearly goes deeper than the headline implied. You thought a man was simply caught in a payphone until help arrived and got him free, you never imagined the jaws of life prying the telephone from its metal girder, or the payphone being laid delicately in an ambulance next to the man, carefully positioned lest the finger break. Do you think there were separate EMS Technicians for both the man and the payphone?)

Emergency room doctors gave Emanuel Fleming a painkiller Monday and pried his middle finger loose using a wooden device and lubricant, ending the three-hour ordeal.

“The bone in my finger felt like it was going to break. My finger was numb. It was very painful,” said Fleming, an elementary school janitor.
(The bone did not even break, and yet this crap receives national attention. He describes it like he’s taken a bullet.)

Fleming had tried to call his wife, but the line was busy. Two passers-by tried to help. When they failed to free him, Fleming used his other hand to dial 911.
(I like how despite his life flashing before his eyes, Mr. Fleming was able to maintain his composure long enough to make that last, saving call. Also, um, why didn’t the passers-by do it for him?)

Emergency crews and a representative of the company that owns the phone were sent to the scene. But they were also unable to free Fleming.

The phone was near a busy bus stop.
(This is my favorite sentence of the entire article. It was published like this. All alone.)

“People on the bus who know me were laughing at me,” Fleming said.
(This is my second favorite sentence in the article.)

With few options left, ambulance crew members cut the telephone off at the base and took it and Fleming to St. Mary’s Hospital.
(With few options left? Has the journalist forgotten that once they arrived at the hospital all it took was a piece of wood, some lube, and a painkiller? Unlike an iron lung, these are items that are easy to remove from the hospital.)

“I’ve been in this business more than 30 years and I’ve seen a lot of weird things, but never anyone trapped in a telephone,” said Herb Simmons, manager of the ambulance company.
(Notice that Mr. Simmons is the manager of the ambulance company, a figure as far removed from the scene as possible. More appropriate interview subjects might have been: the ambulance driver, the manager of the payphone company, the emergency room technician who freed Mr. Fleming, the President of the United States, a bystander. When reached by phone, the manager of the ambulance company declined to comment.)

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