Some Kind of Stupid Oscars Are So Boring and Stupid

There is this moment in Some Kind of Monster when Lars meets with the therapist and Dave Mustaine, who was in Metallica for a year in the mid-80′s. Mustaine is nearly in tears as he explains to Lars how despite the seeming success of Megadeath, he’s been living in abject misery ever since being kicked out of Metallica. He says that he’s been waiting twenty years for this moment to sit down and tell him how sad he’s been, how awful it is to live in Metallica’s shadow, and how being forced out of the band has tainted his life with an overwhelming sense of irremediable failure. This moment is not only incredible because the emotional honesty between these two men (or at least, the open emotional honesty of Mustaine, Lars is a bit of a prig) is unexpected considering their placement in the spectra of machismo and roughneck culture, but it’s also just heartbreaking, period. I watched it twice (this moment), and got the shivers talking about it to someone yesterday.


Wow, I can’t remember a year that I cared less about all the movies. It disgusts me that so many biopics were nominated for the big awards, because biopics are to movies what a pamphlet about proper cat care is to literature. That’s not quite an accurate metaphor, because one can extract useful tips in the pamphlet that could save (or extend) the life of one of god’s creatures. Not so with a biopic. I hate them so much! I hope that one day they make a biopic of my life and it wins an Oscar just so you can all see how stupid the movie is because Jason Biggs will be in it and he is AN ASSHOLE. I’m sure you’re all going to be like, “But Worker #3116, Charlie Kauffman finally won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay, an award the Academy has undeservedly passed him over for twice!” Aw who cares?! Charlie Kauffman can suck it! He’s got his money and his street cred, who cares about him and his stuff!


A car bomb in Iraq killed over 120 people, but the word on everyone’s lips is “poor Marty Scorcese!” Ha ha ha. That fucking wop. Who cares about him?! If he wants to win an Oscar maybe he should stop making super-shitty movies. How’s that for a suggestion? Meanwhile, did anyone see Hilary Swank’s acceptance speech? Were you worried, at least momentarily, that she might come out of the television set and devour you? What a fucking manimal. “I want to thank my agents. I want to thank the academy. I want to chew the bones of the innocent. I want to drink the blood of the pure.” Help! It’s Hilary Swank! More like Hilary Horse Teeth.

Here are some people from last night’s Oscars that could have their heads cut off and (their heads) buried in the sand:
Robin Williams

But I did like that one nerd who won for best animated short. He really seemed to think that people watching cared! Ha ha ha. That poor guy. That poor ponytail! “I just want to thank the Academy for continuing to honor short form animation. I think it’s really cool. I’m totally going to be the life of next week’s speed-dating event! Thank you Oscar!” Meanwhile, boo! No one cares! And since when did Beyonce sing every single song from every single movie ever made?


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