Monthly Archives: March 2008

X Gonna Give It To Ya, Unfortunately

There’s no way that DMX’s new movie, Last Hour, is straight to video! What?

Whoops on you, Hollywood. This is basically Juno 2, 4 blog though. DMX has a Tumblr. This is There Will Be Blood, except instead of oil it’s about the ruthless capitalism of the revolving door industry (pretty sure that glass is bullet proof, that’s why they don’t just shoot their way out, duh.) Everything about this is Oscar bait, especially in the Sound Mixing and Sound Editing categories. Although i wouldn’t be surprised if that pimp suit wins Best Costume Design. Colleen Atwood made it.

DMX has a competition in him, he wants no one else to see his movie.

[Clip via]

Ultimate Fighting Intramural Non-Competitive Fun League

CARTHAGE, Mo. – Ultimate fighting was once the sole domain of burly men who beat each other bloody in anything-goes brawls on pay-per-view TV.

But the sport often derided as “human cockfighting” is branching out.

The bare-knuckle fights are now attracting competitors as young as 6 whose parents treat the sport as casually as wrestling, Little League or soccer.

The trend alarms medical experts and sports officials who worry that young bodies can’t withstand the pounding. Tommy Bloomer, father of two of the “Garage Boys,” doesn’t understand the fuss.

“We’re not training them for dog fighting,” said Bloomer, a 34-year-old construction contractor. “As a parent, I’d much rather have my kids here learning how to defend themselves and getting positive reinforcement than out on the streets.”

Bloomer said the sport has evolved since the no-holds-barred days by adding weight classes to better match opponents and banning moves such as strikes to the back of the neck and head, groin kicking and head butting.

Obviously, I support this whole-heartedly. All children should have to learn how to rear naked choke their friends into submission after devastating their faces with an unstoppable succession of roundhouse elbows. But I’m not sure I can agree with Mr. Bloomer’s enthusiasm for some of the sport’s recent pussifications. What, is your son too good to get punched in the back of the neck, Mr. Bloomer? Can’t take a back leg snapping kick to the groin? What is he, five? Oh, he is five? Never mind. I thought he was six and I was going to say, What is he, a homo? HAHAHAHAHAH right? RIGHT MR. BLOOMER? HAHAHAHAHA. Seriously, though, tell your kid to man up.

My child, of course, Jerusalem Supreme, has already retired from the sport and is happily running a little Steaks and Chops joint just outside of Atlantic City.

Just kidding. He died in the cage, the one true death.

Here are a couple of discussion questions for your book club:

1. How many weight classes can six-year-olds really be divided into?
2. Is it actually possible to train your children for dog fighting?

EXCLUSIVE: “Spider-Man 4,” Summer 2009

I had a dream last night that Robin Williams was starring in Spider-Man 4. As Spider-Man. The plot of Spider-Man 4 was that somehow a bunch of people get hold of Spider-Mans clothes and turn into Spider-Man. Nick Nolte was also Spider-Man.

So, I looked up Spider-Man 4 to see if the prophecy was true, and found this. Please pay particular attention to the “comments”:

Um, writer found, guys. I have some really interesting ideas I think you’re going to love. Think Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants meets Spider-Man. But if you don’t get Robin Williams, Nick Nolte, and Dennis Leary signed on, I walk. They are the only actors talented enough to bring my vision to life.

King Kong May Actually Got Some Shit On Me

Here we go again. The X-TREME left wing liberal media ivy league lattes are at it again with their boo hoo cries of homosexual tree-hugging!


What? No way! What’s the problem, guys?

They’re hugging! Just two human people of indeterminate race hugging the way people have been hugging in the jungle for centuries. They’re going to prom.

I was going to make an obvious joke that involved the following photograph and some half-baked rant about how it’s offensive to apes to be stereotyped as LeBron James-ish all the time:

But then I found this and my mind went blank:

Buy it here. Secretary’s Day is April 23, everyone. Shoot your calendars.

No Spam Here

I just got a spam email that had something to do with growing your business and/or penis, and it had this at the end:

This message is sent in compliance of the new email Bill HR 1910.
Under Bill HR 1910 passed by the 106th US Congress on May 24, 1999,
this message cannot be considered Spam as long as we include the
way to be removed.

Whoa, my bad. Not a spam, guys. Just a thoughtful email from a well-wisher. You know, now that I know how to remove myself from this list, I’m suddenly much more interested in what this guy/machine has to say. It’s like, I’m in charge, you know? I can choose to have myself removed from the list, but maybe I don’t want to just yet. Maybe I want to order 1,000 pills/penny stocks.

Good work, Congress/computers. Back to work boners that will pleaz herrrr 4 daZ.

This Is Some Strong Wheat Grass For Your Mind Muscles

As someone who only lifts diamond chandeliers on filaments of platinum while wearing gym shorts made out of hand-tamped gold leaf with ruby and emerald trim (no shirt, of course) and quenching my POWER thirst with baby-protein infused angel-tear smoothies, this article about homemade gyms in Haiti was shocking to me:

Technique is one thing that does not change based on the neighborhood ??? even though the free weights at the Temple of Pain are made from the lead from car batteries, and people have to stand on a chrome fender salvaged from a wrecked car to reach the pull-up bar.

All around the site, which used to be a rat-infested garbage dump before Harres Désiré, a local bodybuilder, cleaned it up, are bits and pieces of salvaged metal that have been forged into machines that do the work of the ones Gold???s purchases at a premium from Cybex International, an American manufacturer of treadmills, steppers, cross-trainers and other exercise machines.
(New York Times)

That is x-treme guys. This is a picture from the Times:

(New York Times)

Poverty is weird. OK, I’m off to whale on my savings account and pound a couple of liquified cash energy shots. TO THE EGREGIOUS ECONOMIC DISPARITY MAXXXXXX.

How Expressions Are Born

I was researching the origins of the popular gambling expression, “baby needs a new pair of shoes.” This is what followed:

worker3116: and found this on a board
worker3116: Could someone please tell me the origin and meaning of this phrase or point out where I may find them? I first heard it in one episode of Star Trek The Next Genearation and then again in Robert De Niro’s film A Bronx Tale.
Thanks in advance for your help.
worker3116: Star Trek the Next Generation
worker3116: haha
lindsayism: hahahahaha
lindsayism: like the origin is hard to discern?
worker3116: do you know it?
worker3116: the origin?
lindsayism: not movie wise, but as a phrase, it’s not hard to determine how it originated.
worker3116: ok, determine it
lindsayism: it’s not like ‘down to brass tacks’
lindsayism: someone was gambling
lindsayism: who had a baby
worker3116: don’t be ridiculous
lindsayism: who needed new shoes
worker3116: are you joking?
worker3116: please tell me you’re joking
lindsayism: I’m saying why does this lady care, it’s not very mysterious
worker3116: ok, you’re not joking
lindsayism: I don’t know the pop culture origin but there doesn’t necessarily have to be one
worker3116: that’s a really facile
worker3116: reading
lindsayism: no, I mean
lindsayism: yeah, it makes esne
lindsayism: like I really like finding these out
lindsayism: about phrases
lindsayism: but it doesn’t mean that it didn’t come from somewhere
worker3116: i was trying to figure out where it came from
lindsayism: but in this case it’s not really very mysterious, it’s just a joke
worker3116: just like the stupid lady
worker3116: but that’s so stupid
worker3116: you don’t KNOW that it didn’t come from somewehre
worker3116: how can you just dismiss it as a joke?
worker3116: do you know that it’s jsut a joke?
worker3116: that evryone adopted?
worker3116: or was it actually written in the script of a movie? or was it something that sailors used to say…i mean, you’re being so dismissive
lindsayism: I’m not
lindsayism: you are a dork
worker3116: ok, so please prove to me
worker3116: that it is just a jooke
worker3116: that doesn’t come from anywhere
worker3116: that everyone is born with in their heads
lindsayism: I’m not saying stop investigating
worker3116: no, you are saying “why investigate, it’s just a joke”
worker3116: “everyone gets it”
lindsayism: I’m saying that that lady might be dumb
worker3116: but i foudn that lady
worker3116: by doing the same thing
lindsayism: I don’t care about this anymore
worker3116: investigating
worker3116: i do
lindsayism: that’s good
worker3116: i’m actually genuinely confused
lindsayism: care away!
worker3116: as to why
worker3116: you are so dismissive of the origins of this phrase
lindsayism: you’re not understanding me
lindsayism: luckily it’s not important!
worker3116: it is important
worker3116: here is what you said: “not movie wise, but as a phrase, it’s not hard to determine how it originated.”
worker3116: but you haven’t determinated how it originated
lindsayism: I’m saying that unlike most phrases that people wonder about the origins, this one’s origins are pretty easy to figure out.
worker3116: HOW?
worker3116: i am actually getting really frustrated
worker3116: WHO?
lindsayism: some guy
worker3116: no
lindsayism: hahaha
worker3116: i mean, that’s not totally impossible
worker3116: but without any investigation
worker3116: you’re just saying
lindsayism: this is such a stupid fight
worker3116: that that is what happened
worker3116: which is weird
worker3116: you are being weird
lindsayism: yes, but I am not investigating. you are.
lindsayism: you are being weird!
worker3116: no, i’ mnot
worker3116: you are saying that you know the answer to something
lindsayism: Okay so we’re seriously arguing
worker3116: and inssiting that you know it
worker3116: and you don’t
worker3116: so i don’t get it
lindsayism: about my lack of curiosity about the origins of the phrase “baby needs a new pair of shoes.”
worker3116: it’s fine to say “maybe it just originated this way”
worker3116: but you are saying that it DID originate that wya
lindsayism: I’m not the one who cares!
worker3116: but youa re the one who seesm so convinced
worker3116: of their knowledge
lindsayism: no, I don’t know how it originated
worker3116: ok
worker3116: fine
lindsayism: nor do I care
lindsayism: it’s NOT MYSTERIOUS
worker3116: IT IS
lindsayism: because it’s EASY TO GUESS
lindsayism: not to someone who DOES NOT CARE
worker3116: it’s fine not to care
worker3116: i am not saing it’s important to care
worker3116: i’m saying it’s important to not just say “why would you care, obviouslysomeone just said it”
worker3116: you are fabricating things
worker3116: and producing them as fact
lindsayism: hahaha
lindsayism: yes, in such a hallowed place as an im with my friend.
worker3116: HEY
may as well be the front page of the times!
worker3116: drop dead
lindsayism: go jump in a lack
lindsayism: lake
worker3116: hahahaa
worker3116: hahahahhahaha
lindsayism: shut up
worker3116: well, there is one expression whose origins
are known
worker3116: which is “go jump in a lack.”
worker3116: i know where that came from
worker3116: and it’s retarded
lindsayism: hahaha