Monthly Archives: October 2007

I’m Robert Goulet, Bitch

I’m sorry that you died, Robert Goulet. I’m not sorry that you died because of how great you were, or because it’s sad that people die. Both of those things are pretty open for debate. I’m sorry that you died because I think it’s really upsetting when someone dies and all the obituaries and comedy nerds just talk about what great fodder you were for that hilarious sketch that everyone was obnoxiously quoting from five years ago.

Dear comedy nerds,
you are the worst/most boringest.

Why Do You Jenkem?

You guys, we have a lot of fun with poor people around here.

The call is coming from inside the diary!

Maybe this is a lame cop-out (or the sad little wizard behind the green curtain), but I think a lot of it comes from a deep well of fear/empathy of/for the uncomfortable realities of life on this bullshit and unfair planet. Like, when I call Pépé #3116 and ask him how his day is going and he says, “Great. When I wake up in the morning I stretch out my elbows, and if they don’t hit wood, it’s a good day.” It’s like that. See poor people, we are laughing with you.

You are laughing, right? Because a lot of people keep telling me that you have to laugh to keep from crying (I say why not both?!)

But you guys, jenkem?

Jenkem or jekem is an inhaled gas which can result in dissociation and hallucinations. It is made from fermented sewage. According to Fountain of Hope, a non-profit organization, Jenkem is used by street children in Lusaka, Zambia as a substitute for ordinary inhalants such as glue or petrol.

Its effects last for around an hour and consist of auditory and visual hallucinations. A 16-year-old boy describes his preference for jenkem over other inhalants “With glue, I just hear voices in my head. But with Jenkem, I see visions. I see my mother who is dead and I forget about the problems in my life.” The raw materials are plentiful and freely available in the form of fecal matter from the open sewers of Lusaka. This is then fermented in plastic bottles and the fumes are inhaled.
(wikipedia via BuzzFeed)

Yoops, I just killed myself.

Fuuuuck. Jenkem. Inhaling the fumes of fermented diarrhea to see visions of your dead mother is the new hotness.

Obama ’92 Faces Tough Challenges

When the socially conscious star [Brad Pitt] offered to help the Democratic contender’s [Barack Obama] presidential campaign, he was turned down, our sources report.

The overture was made through intermediaries, and it’s not known whether the Illinois senator was even aware of Pitt’s offer to make appearances on his behalf.

Obama’s advisers felt Pitt was “a great guy,” said a knowledgeable source, but they didn’t want their candidate – who already has the endorsements of Pitt pals George Clooney and Matt Damon – to appear to be “too Hollywood.”

What’s more, as politically correct as Pitt’s partner, Angelina Jolie, is now, the source ruminated that it might be hard for some Americans to forget that she used to wear a vial of blood around her neck.
(Rush and Malloy)

A few things about Angelina Jolie that might make her a less-than-ideal political advocate in the eyes of the American people:

-The part where she broke up a marriage
-The part where people tend to view celebrities with political agendas as meddlesome and arrogant
-Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life
-The part where there’s still an undeniable sexist anxiety about “powerful” women in politics
-Maddox and his tongue/mohawk
-Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
-The part where she broke up a marriage

A few things about Angelina Jolie that really don’t pose a campaign hurdle for any politician considering an endorsement from her Brad Pitt for that matter) because they are an off-hand detail dropped in some German magazine interview and no one really remembers them, they have no political ramifications, and remain far remote from the moral disturbance caused by breaking up a marriage/Life or Something Like It:

-That she used to wear a vile of blood (Billy Bob Thornton) around her neck

Natalie Portman Relates to You, Nerd

Actress Natalie Portman, who graduated from Syosset High School in 1999, says math was one of her favorite subjects in school. Now she’s a guest editor of Scholastic Math, a magazine for students in grades 6-9 that’s available in classrooms and by subscription.
(newsday.com)

Cheat Sheet
Guest Edited by Natalie Portman

Dear Cheat Sheet,

I sit next to the cutest guy in my algebra class. I’ve got a total crush on him 2-squared real. Then last week, the teacher asks me to factor a set of three trinomials in front of everyone, but I’d just gotten my period and didn’t want to go up in front of the whole class. I was so embarrassed.

Sincerely,
Pythagorette

Dear Pythagorette,

You may not believe this, but I had a very similar experience when I was your age. I couldn’t have been more than 14, and was sitting in my trailer with my tutor on the set of Beautiful Girls, a movie in which I chastely seduce and beguile a man three times my age. I’d just finished wrapping up my feature-film debut, The Professional, an R-rated Luc Besson movie in which I play the chaste love interest of a murderer three times my age. Anyhow, I was already sexually active (from the age of 10), and my tutor asked me to add two numbers together. I put out my cigarette in my vodka gimlet and told him to go fuck himself. He suggested fucking something altogether different. Wink wink. I made half a million dollars for my performance in Beautiful Girls, which obviously couldn’t even pay my personal hair stylist nowadays, especially after my role as Princess Amidala in the Star Wars prequels, which earned more than $2,4 BILLION worldwide, if you want to talk about math. But those were leaner times, and I think you see how I can relate to you and math (hugs) and stuff. I am an important role model now.

Luv,
Natlies.

Albert Camus Is Roulant Dans His Grave

Most men consider shaving a chore worthy of Sisyphus, who was damned to push a boulder up a mountain only to have it roll back down.
(New York Times)

The gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly shave his face every morning, whence the facial hair would regrow anew. They had thought with some reason that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labour, ignoring the fact that shaving is not labour. It is hygiene. Let’s get real, gods.

Continue reading

Balls McCoy

Balls, I was able to save your deleted comment from a late-arriving notification email.

That was a lot of words used to make the point that you don’t want to eat Thai food in the morning (more words = more funny?). You know who eats Thai food in the morning? Asian people. Not that there are any Asian people in downtown New York. Xenophobe.

That said, you are a Jew, and Jews make bagels, and bagels are good morning food.

[You sure do have a lot of chutzpah for someone with a blog. A blog is to rat tail : Grown adult is to 4th grader]

Thanks for reading.

An Open Letter to the Asian Guy Near the Stairs at the Broadway/Lafayette Subway Stop This Morning

Dear Asian Guy Near the Stairs at the Broadway/Lafayette Subway Stop This Morning,

First let me please just say that I commend you. This is an exhausting city in every way: financially, emotionally, and physically. I often wonder how it is that people can afford to live here on service industry wages, and anyone who shows the tireless, sweat-stained pluck and vigor upon which this country was built gets a tip of my cap. Whether you are simply a high-school educated family man trying to earn his daily bread (rice?), or one of those “I was a surgeon back in Singapore” immigrants, I know little about your life except that it is filled with hard work and (I’m assuming, since you haven’t killed yourself) optimism.

On a more critical note, but one that I think might help you in your business affairs, let me tell you a little bit about me. At 9 o’clock in the morning, I am thinking about a lot of things. I am thinking about the day ahead and what it might contain. I think about whether or not blondes have more fun, and I think they probably do, but that their definition of fun might not be my definition of fun. I am thinking about Spencer Pratt. I am thinking, at 9 am in the morning, on my way to work, about the age old question if God is omnipotent could God make a sandwich that God could not finish. I am thinking about my elbows and just how deadly they are and if I will ever be forced to unleash their fury upon a face. I am thinking about whether anyone in Africa has actually stood in a river and taken a bath in the trunk-spray from an elephant like they always seem to get in the movies. I am thinking about how Astronaut means an American space explorer while Cosmonaut means a Russian space explorer, and how that is hilarious. I am thinking about how when I was in elementary school I had a rat tail for a few months, and how that rat tail was a pivotal moment in my life upon which everything could have turned out very differently (poor) had I not realized my error the summer before fifth grade. At 9 am on my way to work I think about all kinds of things.

Here’s one thing that I don’t think about at 9 am on my way to work, indeed something I’d rather not think about: Thai food. Don’t get me wrong, Thai food under many, many circumstances is a delicious food. But there is a reason why there is no lemongrass and red curry pork McGriddles on the McDonald’s breakfast menu.

And speaking of menus, 9 am is not a time to be handing out yours.
Sincerely,
Worker #3116

P.S. Your restaurant-issued vest had so much flair (flair = sadness).

I Can’t Do This Anymore, You Guys

Leo and Bar broke up you guys.

I’m thinking about shutting this whole site down because it’s just, like, what’s even the point?

FACT: TRUE LOVE IS A MYTH.

I hope you’ve called Shimon Peres with the sad news and explained that you never meant to break his heart.

(photo courtesy of justjared.com)

This is worse than when my parents got divorced. At least my parents had the decency not to lie to the Prime Minister of Israel/Star in Titanic/Wear a sweatshirt when meeting a world leader in a children’s library.

Ritalin Readings Now in New Place Guys

Ritalin Readings: Thursday, November 1st (NEW VENUE)

Ritalin Readings is back, and will now occur every month at The Slipper Room (nullus). Next week’s show:

Thursday, November 1st
8pm, $5

Hosted by Lindsay Robertson and myself, produced by Jon Friedman

* Michelle Collins (Best Week Ever)

* Sloane Crosley (Author of the upcoming book of humor essays, I Was Told There’d Be Cake)

* Seth Herzog (Comedian, Vh1, Host of the weekly comedy show “Sweet”)

* Erik Kraft (Author, Miracle Wimp)

* Nick Poppy (Filmmaker, Zombie American and American Cookbook)

* Adam Wade (Comedian; Comedy Central)

And a new short funny film by Jon Friedman