Monthly Archives: July 2007

The Athletic Nullus

As I am new to jiu jitsu, I have not done that much grappling, but as I have already mentioned between the iPages of this e-Diary, it’s just so gay. Wow. God bless “the gentle art,” but anything that involves “mounting your opponent” and also is called “the gentle art” is what homos do and it is called anal sex with a loving consensual partner after a long day of antiquing.

That is, it was gay, until I purchased an Athletic Nullus. An Athletic Nullus is a piece of protective sporting equipment that not only keeps your genitals safe from injury, it also makes them inaccessible for gay sex. I can’t tell you how “liberating” it was to “roll” with my “partner” without the fear of attempting an arm bar with my bare groin (because everyone knows that elbow-to-penis sex is the new crystal meth). Now I can destroy joints with no fear of questioning who I am, or what I want. Which is pussy. Right?

Join “The Game Plan” Street Team!

You guys, it’s pretty rare that I plug anything, because that’s not what this diary is about. This diary is about pizza, AIDS, and fighting. But, there is a movie coming out this fall that I really feel we need to get the word out on.

You probably think that the simple presence of the Rock and an update on Curly Sue (FINALLY, HOLLYWOOD, THANK YOU) would be enough to sell one billion Titanic tickets. But we can’t leave this up to chance. There is another movie that I just assumed would be the biggest hit ever and you people dropped the ball.

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The Robot Uprising of 1993

Boots: I was at the gym the other day, and I could only do five pull-ups!
Worker #3116: So? That’s good.
Boots: Really? I thought you were going to make fun of me for being weak.
Worker #3116: No, that’s totally good.
Boots: OK, well, I didn’t actually do five pull-ups, I just did bent-arm hang for five seconds.
Worker #3116: Haha.
Boots: That’s hard!
Worker #3116: Sure.
Boots: I bet it’s just as hard.
Worker #3116: It’s hard. I don’t think it’s just as hard.
Friend of Boots: The worst part is, we’ll never know because they’re not comparable.
Boots: What?
Friend of Boots: You can’t compare them. One of them is measured in time, while the other is measured in repetition.
Worker #3116: Oh, COME ON. If we can make Jurrassic Park, surely science can find a way to compare these two exercises.

Should We Go Outside? Should We Break Some “Bread”?

Last night at Brunch Club Nights I was describing to the team a move that I’d been thinking about all day which is not quite an arm-bar, but more of an arm-lock combined with a break. Basically, you do a gakun grab at the wrist, lock out the elbow, and then smash down on it with your knee.

Ti-1000 was very disappointed in me for thinking about this move, which he described as “crazy,” and “seriously, dude, too much.” But this move seemed like so much fun, and FUN IS NEVER WRONG.

Obviously, when I got home, I was in the mood for only one thing, and that is an endless sequence of Tony Jaa smashing clowns. And of course, what do I see?

How can you argue with that, Ti-1000? You can try, but it’s going to end with me resting my case from beside your hospital bed.

I’ve posted this clip before, but since you need to see it at least once every four months, here you go. SEE YOU IN NOVEMBER.

The Magic Neg

I’m reading the new Harry Potter (before you give me trouble, I AM READING IT FOR WORK, WHY ARE YOU READING IT?) But anyway, um, this part:

“This isn’t your average book,” said Ron. “It’s pure gold: Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches. Explains everything you need to know about girls. If only I’d had this last year I’d have known exactly how to get rid of Lavender and I would’ve known how to get going with…Well, Fred and George gave me a copy, and I’ve learned a lot. You’d be surprised, it’s not all about wandwork, either.”


But also:

Best of the Best Show

I’m not the first to notice this, but the world can be a stupid and horrible place, despite the hard work of George W. Bush to fix it. And I’m also not the first to notice that there remains one thing that is consistently not stupid and horrible, but actually great, and that is The Best Show on WFMU. If you know me personally, I have undoubtedly told you to stop talking to me and go listen to this show. It is available as a podcast on iTunes, and you can listen to it live in the New York area on Tuesday nights from 8pm-11pm.

Of course, it can feel like a big investment to get into this show, because it is three hours long and especially because the farther back into the archives you listen, the more you’ll enjoy the current episodes, as Tom does lots of coded references and buried call backs. There are hundreds of hours of this show that you need to listen to. Sometimes people are hesitant to make such an investment, and some people will just ignore my constant enthusiastic recommendation throughout entire tenure of our friendship until they hear Patton Oswalt in some bullshit interview say that he likes the Best Show and suddenly she will subscribe to the podcast and join the Friends of Tom Facebook group. A big fuck you to all of my friends whose name ends in “ism.”

The point of all this is that I was recommending the show once again to another friend of mine and she asked me where she should start and I wasn’t really sure, because there is so much great stuff. But then I remembered the episode from last fall (November 28, 2006, to be exact), which I believe to be the perfect Best Show episode. If you’re already a fan of the show, then I’m sure we could have lots of fights about what is the best, but this episode perfectly encapsulates the spirit and humor of what is basically my favorite thing in the world.


Enjoy this brief moment of earnest enthusiasm for something that I truly love. I’m sure I’ll have some uneducated joke about pizza bagels up your butt tomorrow.

Keeping Score

(US Weekly)

Let’s just go through one by one, scientifically:

1. Jennifer Aniston

Pros: She is rich.

Cons: Her career is over because she’ll never be able to get out from under the weight of “Rachel” (or the weight of “Vince Vaughan,” DING DONG). She seems like a waitress. You’d basically be marrying a cocktail waitress with a lot of money. She seems like an asshole. Her body is too rope-y. She is like a bundle of ropes tied together with a tank top. She got dumped for Angelina Jolie and while you feel bad for her like, aw, that sucks, you also feel like, well, yeah, Angelina Jolie is way hotter even if she would probably cut your penis off and keep it in a glass test tube strapped to the inside of her left thigh with the tendons of a lion she killed using her teeth on the set of Tomb Raider: Curse of the Jade Scorpion.

2. Cameron Diaz

Pros: None.

Cons: She looks like the Joker. She’s 1,000 years old. She has worse skin than a teenager, and teenagers have horrible skin. She is probably one of those girls who plays sports too hard, like you’d just want to have a fun game of touch football in the park and she’d get all agro on you and fucking break your fucking teeth out and then laugh. And that laugh. Her laugh makes me want to curl up into a ball and put that ball into a cannon and shoot that ball into a plate glass window, and take the now shredded ball (that is my body) and drop it in the ocean, and freeze the ocean over with Ice-9. You would have to follow up Justin Timberlake who is universally considered to be hot and talented, and also he is rich. Oh, and he’s young. Also, when you came in Cameron Diaz’s hair it wouldn’t be sexy at all, it wouldn’t even explore the power dynamics of selfish male sexual aggression. It would just be a lame Farrelly Brothers rip-off, who might as well be called the Fart and Retard Brothers.

3. Jessica Simpson

Pros: Does Anal.

Cons: She is Jessica Simpson.


You Guys, Let’s All Give Up Now

I was pleasantly surprised to see that Louis CK had a featured video on YouTube. Despite the things that I say about children with mental illness and old people who are going to die, I’m excited by the idea of highly meritorious people getting the attention they deserve. Louis CK is one of the most inventive comedians of our generation (for the record, I don’t know how generations work, but I consider him to be a performer who “speaks” to “me” so I’m considering him of my “generation” even if he is of the “generation” that “invented” the “cotton gin.”) If anyone deserves an exponentially widening audience, it is he (not today, Grammar Police, not today.)

Well, no. Here is the video:

Something about this is so hilarious. This amazing comedian who kind of pre-invented the YouTube video with his series of abstract short comedy films from the early 90s featuring Todd Barry, Rick Shapiro, and Robert Smigel, puts up one fucking video of his dog trying to eat a sprinkler and SHIT BLOWS UP.


Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally excited about the upcoming Judd Apatow short, “TRAMPOLINE ACCIDENT LOL YOU GOTTA SEE THIS.”