Monthly Archives: May 2007

Oh, No One Told Me It Was 1999!

Dear CBS,

I have some great new ideas for some reality shows based on your brand new series Pirate Master that I think will really appeal to that elusive 18-35 year old age group.

Robot Master
Unicorn Master
Dinosaur Master
Zombie Master
Ironic Leg Warmers Master
Tron Theme Party Master
Wolf Sweatshirt Master
Owl Pendant Master
PBR Master
Lazer Tag Master
Most Retarded Haircut Master

Please send all my royalties to:

Worker #3116
[redacted]0[redacted] [redacted] St., Apt. [redacted]
Brooklyn, [redacted] 11[redacted]0[redacted]

Red Shoe Online Diaries

I have been baffled for a few weeks now by the weekly “Sex Diaries” in New York Magazine’s Daily Intelligencer on-line diary. Every week, it’s basically the same thing: a young New Yorkiteian details their sex life, except WHAT ARE THESE SEX LIVES? The one that I linked to is actually relatively tame in comparison to some of the other ones that I’ve read, but are you people really fucking five different dudes every day of the week? (That is a total of 35 dudes, which is the same number of AIDS that you have). Gross. Anyway, in the spirit of “what happens in the on-line diarysphere, stays being made fun of in the on-line diarysphere,” I figured I would chronicle a week in my own love life:

Continue reading

Tool Town

Buried somewhere in this image of Jonathan Taylor Thomas is the podcast for this month’s Ritalin Reading series.

EASTERRRRRRRRRRRRRR EGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

Up-down-up-down-left-right-a-b-select-start. Now you have unlimited lives.

Timbaland? More Like Timbalame! DING DONG

So I was listening to Timbaland’s “Give It to Me” (feat. Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake) yesterday, because it was 6:45 and that is when I listen to Timbaland’s “Give It to Me” (feat. Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake), when I noticed that Timbaland was directing an unusual taunt at me:

I get a half a mill for my beats you get a couple grand
never gonna see the day that I ain’t got the upper hand
I’m respected from californ.i.a. way down to japan
I’m a real producer and you just the piano man
your song gonna top the charts, I heard em, I’m not a fan

OK, well first of all, Timbaland, you make a lot more money than me. I’m not going to argue with you there. But I make a couple grand per beat, and even if I only make one beat per week, I’m still pulling in a six figure salary. It just seems ridiculous for someone who knows how hard it can be to make a living doing something that you love and that keeps you feeling creatively satisfied to make a mockery of a six-figure salary.

This upper-hand stuff just makes you sound paranoid.

Also, I really don’t think it’s that big of a deal to be respected from California to Japan. They’re right next to each other, and there’s a huge Japanese population in California because of this. You don’t see me talking about how I’m respected from Michigan all the way to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Besides, who isn’t respected in Japan? I’m sorry, but Edward Furlong was a respected singer in Japan. Edward Furlong.

Oops, I think you meant this line about Billy Joel.

OH COME ON, TIMBALAND. This is like Paris Hilton complaining about the invasiveness of the paparazzi. The charts made you, motherfucker. And don’t act like the fact that my songs are hugely popular somehow makes me less of an artist. There are a lot of respectable musicians making the charts these days. Even Arcade Fire’s new album debuted at, like, number two or something, and lots of the more mainstream artists (ever heard of Justin Timberlake? YOUR BOYFRIEND) who are putting out chart-ready pop songs are still undeniably talented. This is where your whole taunt just falls completely flat to me, and it’s so disingenuous that it makes even some of your less preposterous boasts ring false. How is that upper-hand working out for you?

I’m just saying that it’s a dangerous road you are walking, Tim, when you make Nelly Furtado the most reliable narrator in your song: “you love my ass and my abs and the video called promiscuous,” TRUE!

First Ever Contest #3116: Comedy by the Numbers

Either out of boredom, laziness, or sheer stupidity, I am holding my first ever contest. My friend sent me some copies of this book, and now I am going to give one away to one of you fucking assholes, because I hate you, and I hate my friend, and I want to waste one of these books on some retarded clown (again, you).

(click for more info)

So here is how the contest works:

Find a post from the archives of corporate-casual and make it funnier. I know that you guys think you’re a fucking riot (I’M LOOKING RIGHT INTO YOUR BEADY SKULL EYES, BALLS MCCOY, WHO WILL KILL ME ONE DAY.)

Take a post and improve upon it. Email your improvements to contest3116@gmail.com. That’s it. Your chances are pretty good, because only about one person will actually do this, and it will be Lindsay, and she’s already getting a copy. But you should also know that I have no problem playing favorites and will give this free book to a friend or relative at the drop of a fucking hat, so you need to bring your a-game.

GOODNIGHT.

Legal: I reserve the right to do whatever I want.

Who Has/Is the Hottest Burger?

There is a girl at my gym who has been declared “the hot girl,” because Ti-1000, Hamtram, Lenny Travitz, and I have all brought her up separately at some point in a fashion much like this:

“There was this girl at the gym today doing these stretches–”
“–Oh, the hot girl?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Fuuuuuuuuck. Does she have to do that in public?”

She’s kind of trashy. OK, she’s very trashy, but also hot. Hotttt Ttttrash. She looks like this:

That’s actually a picture of her doing sit ups. She dates one of the personal trainers. He looks like this:

That is a picture of him taking a break.

Anyway, I’ve always wondered what they talk about, and last night she came up to him while he was sitting on a weight bench, so I pretended to look for a better song on my iPod while in real life I was SPYKIDSING! So good:

Meat Trainer: You know that place we got burgers on 2nd Ave.? Remember? The place on 2nd Ave. With the big burger? The big burger!
Jersey Spice: Um…yeah.
Meat Trainer: I don’t like it. There’s this other place over on 10th, they got a good burger. I like their burger.
Jersey Spice:
Meat Trainer: It’s good.

HOW CAN YOU COMPETE WITH THAT?

Piggy Is Half Asian?

Watch it. I’ll be back later.

1. No.
2. I’m glad that they did not get rid of the rattle sankes before FILLING THE TOWN WITH UNSUPERVIZED CHILDREN.
3. Something tells me that kid with the blue mohawk is not going to win the college scholarship.
4. I love that there are “no parents, no teachers, anywhere,” as if parents and teachers are the only kinds of adults. There will still be CPAs and Pilates instructors. HI, I KNOW THAT EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW IS BETWEEN THE AGES OF 8.5 AND 15, BUT I AM NOT.
5. Someone please teach CBS what a “nation” means. Because to me, this is not a nation, it is a combination of Hey Dude and Salute Your Shorts.
6. These interviews remind me how stupid kids are. You know why you never realized it would be this hard when you were actually running for the council of a city? Because a) it’s always hard for mulattoes and b) YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY RUNNING FOR THE COUNCIL OF A CITY.
7. Yelling is not the way to settle things? NEITHER IS CRYING, DEEPAK CHOPRA JR.
8. Hahahahha. I love that kid whose parents won’t let him watch TV and just make him watch The Disorderlies on VHS all the time.
9. “Even when you did have a job, you didn’t work. I’m the sassiest secretary in my whole office.”
10. It’s true that parents have never seen their kids work like this, but they’ve also never seen parents work like this. Because we do not live in the Congo or wherever poor people still carry water on their backs.
11. Kid who says the thing about being a 30-year-old shut the fuck up.
12. Skipping right over baby Don Imus.
13. NICE! A BAR FOR KIDS! Root Beer is a nickel and appletinis are $14.
14. A real working kid economy is, of course, based on candy and root beer, and yet still kids wonder why people don’t take them seriously.
15. OK, this thing is fucking too long. I am exhausted and the season hasn’t even started yet.
16. Oh man, who doesn’t love a video arcade that reeks of horse manure?
17. Taylor is hot. Here are a few things that she says “I’m a beauty queen, I don’t do dishes” and “The Upper Class is king and queen.” I’m sure that’s just a taste of some of the two-dimensional pre-pubescent “mean girl” stuff we’re going to get to see this fall. But all of that is just a front for her burning insecurities, so if anyone gets fucked behind the saloon after nickel-root beer night, it will be her.
18. Out of all the things that are ridiculous and horrible about this, I did not laugh harder than when that fat kid said he missed his brother because his brother was in a wheelchair.
19. KIDS NATION IS GETTING RIGHT HEAVY.
20. The gold star is real, it weighs two pounds, and it’s worth $20,000. But how come the host says it’s going to pay for a lot of college? By the time these kids graduate high school a year of college is going to be, like, three million Halliburtons, and we’ll all be living underwater.
21. Sorry, I’m still laughing about Bonanza City, New Mexico. Bonanza City. You know, Bonanza City, right next to Cheeseburgerville.
22. I know that I haven’t seen the whole season yet, but I think I can answer a few of the hosts questions:

“Can these incredible young people really build a better society?”
No.

“Can they succeed where adults have failed?”
No.

Welcome to Kid Nation, population: KILL ME.