Monthly Archives: March 2007

Pretend This Was Written in September and It Will Feel So Current

So, NBC.com has finally put the full season of Heroes back on-line after many frustrating weeks of only making episode 1 and then episodes, like, 15 and 16 available? Like, oh, I really enjoyed the first episode of this involved episodic soap opera, I can probably just skip four months worth of development and stay caught up.

Anyway, now that I am in three eps deep, can I just say something right quick (so long after it’s been on anyone’s mind, but this is my place to DO WHAT I WANT TO DO and just really BE MYSELF) about this Claire? In episode two, she gets blindsided by a football player and breaks her neck. In episode three, the same football player tries to rape her, and she ends up impaled on a…log?

Here’s my point: LUCKIEST FUCKING INVINCIBLE PERSON EVER. Jesus. The only way she could be more accident prone is if she slept with her head in a revolving door, and was Mr. Bean.

I also like this picture:

UNCHEEREST-LEADER EVER.

In Case You Also Missed It, And You Also Probably Missed It

So, after the show last night everyone moved over to the bar for a drink. After maybe an hour or so, these four girls showed up looking a bit out of place, like “this-is-my-favorite-dress-who-are-these-slobs-it’s-not-tuesday-it’s-saturday” out of place. One of them was really frantic in her denim mini-skirt, like…crazed? Like yelling “HEY EVERYBODY, LISTEN!” all the time? To a room of strangers? There was a microphone in a corner of the room and she tried to get the microphone to work but it wouldn’t so she would yell again and then finally got the bartender to come over and turn the microphone on? At which point I’m just thinking “oh, fuuuuuuuck” because I know for a fact that I will not care what it is that this girl has to say, and that she feels she needs a microphone to say it is a very bad sign.

“Everybody, there are two special occasions we are celebrating tonight. First, we have birthday girl Sarah Shields in the house. WOOOOOO! Second of all, we need you all to be quiet because we have two of the stars of The Agency with us tonight, and the show is starting right now!”

Um.

First of all, if I was on a second-tier VH1 show and I wanted to have a viewing party, I would BRING MORE THAN THREE PEOPLE with me. Moreover, I would not act all offended and confused that a bunch of people who were minding their own business don’t give a shit about a show that is like a cross between America’s Next Top Model and eye cancer. My opinions, which I feel are God-given, were not shared by the waitress, who blasted the TV’s audio and kicked us all out of the bar. It was actually a little heartbreaking when microphone girl was like “No, we want you guys to stay, we just want you to be excited about the show with us,” and it was like “don’t you see that WE CAN’T?”

My only solace from this basic cable Abu Grhaib was as I closed my tab and the show went to commercial I yelled “YOU GUYS, SHUT UP, MY PIER-1 COMMERCIAL IS ON.”

In Case You Missed It, and You Probably Missed It

Dear Lindsay,

This is [redacted]. You really hurt my feelings when you wore the exact same outfit as me tonight, when I totally told you I was going to wear this outfit, and not to wear the same outfit, because it would hurt my feelings, and then you wore the same outfit, and it hurt my feelings. Iâ??m really hurt that you hurt my feelings and that you wore the same outfit.

It also hurt my feelings when I told you that I wanted you and me to cut our fingers and perform a blood pact on stage tonight. Because you and me are good friends and stuff and I thought that if we mixed our blood on stage and promised never to get AIDS that we would form a magical bond of friendship against AIDS. But when I told you this you said you did not want to do a blood pact with me because you thought that maybe if we did that you would get AIDS. Lindsay, I donâ??t have AIDS, and it hurts my feelings that you wore the same outfit as me that I told you not to wear and also that you think I have AIDS.

Sent via Blackberry â?? a service from AT&T Wireless.

Bi-Tarded

Ti-1000: You are gay.
Worker #3116:
Ti-1000: You are a gay man.
Worker #3116:
Ti-1000: I know, because you tried to give me a hug once.
Worker #3116: Yeah, but I hug girls, too.
Ti-1000:
Worker #3116: That means I’m a bi.
Ti-1000:
Worker #3116: That’s what a bi does.

If I Was a Pothead There’d Be a Lot More Shit Like This

Okay, if there are an infinite number of parallel universes (a multiverse, if you will), each of which is predicated on a slight shift of causally-related events (the butterfly effect in chaos theory), then how many of those alternate realities do you think would NOT involve me having seen Sliding Doors in the theater by myself?

Now get ready for your mind to really be blown: in how many of those parallel worlds would a reference to Sliding Doors still be relevant?

UPDATE: “I love how missing a train causes you to have brown hair.” –Boots.

Sprang Has Sprong

It’s here! It’s here!

Sprang Max: 2007 (Nullus)

DOWNLOAD NOW
DOWNLOAD NOW

Also available in iTunes!

I know yesterday was the first day of Spring, but that bitch was 23 degrees when I woke up. If you guys listen to this on your iPod (so hot right now) you will get mind laid.

Please send all questions and complaints to worker3116@iaintcare.com

WTV?

(cnn.com)

Let’s just try and go through this logically:

1. Um, what?
2. Cosby did have that funny bit about chocolate cake, but fuck if I would let Toni Braxton say shit to me about how to raise a kid.
3. Clearly Bill Cosby cannot spot the signs because suddenly he is the ghost of Ray Charles?
4. See point 1.
5. 1 out of every 150 children are suffering from an epidemic and these were the only two people available? Sinbad was busy? How about Soleil Moon Frye?
6. Ergo, WTFuck?