Monthly Archives: February 2007

A Bowl of Sex Mix

Worker #3116: How come there’s never sex at these parties?
K-Gov:
Worker #3116: Seriously.
K-Gov:
Worker #3116: I’m serious. They need to have more sex at these parties.
K-Gov:
Worker #3116: You know, food sex.
K-Gov: Sure.

[Later]

Worker #3116: I’m not kidding about the sex thing.
K-Gov: Sex?
Worker #3116: S-N-A-C-K-S.
K-Gov: OH! SNACKS! I thought you were saying “sex.”
Worker #3116: I even qualified it. I said “food snacks”.
K-Gov: Yeah, but I thought you said “food sex,” which is weird.
Worker #3116: What is food sex?
K-Gov: I don’t know. It sounds good.
Worker #3116: Well, they can have that, too, but I’m seriously starving.

Web 2.fart

So, I was doing what I do, and I ended up on fart.com. At first I was disappointed by fart.com’s interface, and seeming waste of a totally great web address, but I had to admit that their useful “Sections” directory had everything you could want:

Fart Store? Check.
Fart Question?? Check.
Magic? Check.

Then of course I was delighted to scroll down the page and find a number of wonderful farting gifts that I could give my loved ones. Farting George W. Bush Doll, CLASSIC.

Then I found this:

There’s no denying that it would be HILARIOUS for someone to UNKNOWINGLY drive around with an “I Love Porn” sticker on their bumper. hahahah lol :) And I’m not going to stand in the way of a great “I Am a Fat Pig” joke. (Although, can we address the fact that these are magnets? If you’re going to play a prank, play a fucking prank.)

That third sticker, though. That one is really comedy gold, because there is nothing funnier than when you’re driving behind someone and you realize they are gay, and that they aren’t ashamed of it! How embarrassing for them! Oooh, the best though would be to play this prank on someone and then when they get out of their car, you and your buddies hate crime them. Barrel of laughs.

Fart!

Unacceptance Speech

I don’t watch the Oscars because, as I told Clown Coffee, while it’s fun for people to pretend that I am gay, I am not actually gay. More importantly, I’m just so tired of this ritualized spectacle of commercial obeisance, where a nation bows its head to the holy market. It’s a chance for a money-hungry industry to pride itself on its artistic integrity while blatantly ignoring any actual artistry that might actually be being expressed within its confines. That’s why I was pleasantly surprised this morning to open the local paper and discover that for once in Hollywood’s life, they actually gave credit where credit was due, and awarded this much coveted prize to a highly deserving work.
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Try and Alienate as Many Readers as Possible Week, Day Four!

Inside joke!

Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke! Inside joke!

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Life Is Beautiful

[Darkpony is taking a weekly figure drawing class. It costs six dollars.]

Darkpony: I have a theory. If you had to pose nude–
Worker #3116: Which would never happen.
Darkpony: If you HAD to.
Worker #3116: Um…
Darkpony: It’s life or death.
Worker #3116: You mean, like, the Nazis have taken over America and forced me to pose nude for their drawing class?
Darkpony: Yes!
Worker #3116: Okay.
Darkpony: If you had to pose nude–
Worker #3116: For a Nazi drawing class–
Darkpony: –for a Nazi drawing class, for three hours, don’t you think you’d eventually get an erection?
Worker #3116: No.
Darkpony: What?! Yes you would.
Worker #3116: No, I wouldn’t.
Darkpony: How would you not get an erection?
Worker #3116: I think the overwhelming presence of Nazis with the threat of death would kind of put a damper on my arousal.
Darkpony: I don’t know. I think you would.
IAmJamieSabuda: I would.