Monthly Archives: August 2006

Gawker Week: Day Four

Remainders: And Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Oscar Is What? Chopped Liver?
WE’RE #1 (+19)! WE’RE #1 (+19)!
A Kaavya Viswanathan for the Self Help Set. Just Without All the Plagiarism and Stuff.
Gossip Roundup: Lance Armstrong Wins Tour de Paris, i.e. Loses
Carson Daly Turns His Midas Touch of Lameness on Internet
You’re the One For Me, Fatty
When We See Jennifer Aniston We Think “Just Do It”
The Revolution Will Not Be Organized Chronologically in a Museum Exhibit
New Make Over Show Turns Average Girls into Pixelated, Indistinct, Average Girls
At Least Deep Throat Got Out of Bed and Showered Before 3PM

Gawker Week: Day Three

Remainders: Aquaman? More Like…Cocaine…Man! OH, SNAP!
Jews for Bong Hits 4 Jesus
Looking at the Look Book
Pedophilic Polygamist Caught with His Pants Up
Gossip Roundup: Jessica Simpson and John Mayer Make Ugly Music Together
Like Shooting Robert Evans in a Barrel
Mega-Ditto, ‘New York Post’
Team Party Crash: ‘Nylon Guys’ Party
MTV to Feature Special NYPD/FDNY Episode of ‘NeXt’

Nerds Demand Katie Couric Be Fatter

Gawker Week: Day Two

Remainders: Will the Fake Slim Shady Please Sit Down
John Mark Karr So Wishes He Was Bruno Hauptmannn Right Now
We Are Drunk Right Now!
Gross, ‘Vanity Fair.’ Gross.
Gossip Roundup: Justin Timberlake Is Bringing Sexy Back, Those Sick Kids Don’t Know How to Act
La Grande Disappointment
Queen Amidalah Wishes Israel, Lebanon, Dagobah System Could All Just Get Along
We Suddenly Realize We Have Rage Issues
JonBenet Ramsey Still Probably Murdered by JonBenet Ramsey’s Parents

The Post Gawker Is Too Pussy to Run: Where Is the Point of Diminishing Returns at the Dollar Store? $0.01? $0.02?

The devastating fire in the Bronx yesterday that resulted in 23 serious injuries, including two deaths, is tragic, and the details are horrific, like the final scene in Backdraft where they’re on that collapsing scaffolding and the guy is like “Give me your hand,” even though they are enemies, but he does, and then it’s like so tense and there’s fire everywhere and you’re like “Jesus Christ! Get out of there!” We continue to have nothing but the most profound respect and admiration for firefighters.

But can we just say this: fuck dollar stores! Fuck them. And before you get on your high moral horse and talk about the work that dollar stores do to alleviate the economic pressures of life in impoverished neighborhoods, please answer this: how many bunches of silk flowers, American bald eagle stencils, bags of confetti, and three-packs of glue sticks do you need? No. Fuck them.

Dollar Stores: the new Hitler.

In Instant, Routine Became Disaster in Bronx Fire [NYT]

Gawker Week: Day One

Remainders: ‘Jane’ Magazine Successfully Gives ‘One Night in Paris’ Gravitas by Comparison
Jews for Jokes About Jews for Jesus
Snakes on a Train
Life & Style Weekly to Get a Hotmail Account Soon
BREAKING: Jewish Professional Athlete Actually Jewish
Meredith Vieira Cannot Sit with Us at Lunch Anymore
Gossip Roundup: Shut Up, Your Mom Loves Carly Simon Too
“Dyn-o-Mite!” Slips 1,000,000 Places to 1,000,002
And Then I Smell a Darkness
What Did You Desperately Try to Undo This Weekend?

Suck My –8

Ti-1000: ok, :-0 –8
Worker #3116: bye
Ti-1000: is this better
:-0 ==8
Ti-1000: than the original?
Worker #3116: it’s bigger
Worker #3116: it looks like you’re exaggerating
Worker #3116: don’t stuff your emoticons
Ti-1000: really it’s how you use it, I guess

i.e. Poorly


Killer Whale 2: You posted a MySpace bulletin.
Killer Whale 1: I posted a MySpace bulletin.
Killer Whale 2: Oh, snap.
Killer Whale 1: It was like, it was like “Big Blue is a skank-ass nigga. He cries when he cums. He will wear your clothes while you are out of the apartment, and when you come home all of your panties will be all stretched out.”
Killer Whale 2:
Killer Whale 1: Oh gurrl, why you lookin at me like that?
Killer Whale 2: You retarded.
Killer Whale 1: I called his moms, too. I called his moms, I think I woke her up, I called her and was like your son is busted. He got a busted face. And she was like “Who this?” And I’m like CLICK.