Monthly Archives: July 2006

MTV: Celebrating 25 Years Minus 15 Years


First of all: JEREMY?! This is like saying: 100 years of cinema, from “Birth of a Nation” to “Reality Bites”.

Second of all: how does this continuum make any sense? It’s not alphabetical and it’s also not chronological. There have been an additional 15 years of interesting, ground-breaking videos since fucking “Jeremy.” That whole jump-cut, chalk-writing on blood colored walls thing was annoying and old before it even began. What, no angel wings? No rain falling from the ceiling into a claw-footed bath tub? And you call this a music video?

I am willing to accept “Thriller,” even though it aired a year into MTV’s existence, because it’s a good song and the video itself was the first to really utilize the full production quality of a Hollywood movie as we’ve come to expect today. It also capitalizes on zombies, which remain relevant. But surely Spike Jonze or Michel Gondry or Mike Mills or Stephane Sednaoui or Hype Williams or Chris Robinson or Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Ferris or any of a million other video directors have had way more influence on the shaping of MTV as a front-runner of modern visual culture.

Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe “Jeremy” is the pinnacle of awesomeness. Maybe it’s all been downhill regressive redundancy since then.

Nope, I’m right, sucks.

P.S. Eddie Vedder, nice slimming corduroy jacket. Where’d you get that? Express?

Margaret: Librarian, Human Being

The librarian at my high school, let’s call her Margaret, was thoroughly hated by every single student. This stemmed primarily from her insistence on louldy shushing people. While this is the very first lesson in Librarian School, it was deemed a bit much by everyone because a) it was a mean, nagging shush, and b) we were all members of an “alternative” high school, which meant NO RULES [sound of electric guitar!] I remember my freshman year we had a town hall meeting to discuss student concerns because that’s what we did because it was so alternative. I remember someone complaining about Margaret and then a rousing student-wide chant of “Kill Margaret.” It should be noted that Margaret was in the room.

Margaret owned her own clothing boutique for women of a certain age and was rumored to have a lot of cats. Neither of these things helped her cause very much.

I’d like to recount for you a story about an afternoon where I had to stay late at school to work on a paper for my British Literature class. I’d like to tell you about how I was the only person in the library. I’d like to tell you about how Margaret turned out to be extraordinarily sweet and kind, helpful and genuinely interested in what I had to say. I’d like to tell you about how she really opened my eyes to how difficult it can be sometimes to just do your job, and about how easily misjudged people are once a consensus beyond their control forms around them. I’d like to tell you how much I appreciated Margaret despite the taunts and jeers she received from my fellow students, and how that bond felt even more special since I seemed to be the only one who knew what a truly wonderful person she was.

BUT NONE OF THAT HAPPENED, SHE WAS KIND OF A BITCH. Do you have an award for that, New York Times? How about an award for a librarian who made you avoid the library and therefore probably made you dumber?

Me Too, Garfield, Me Too

In a week from today I will be in New York. On the one hand I am excited about the move, but on the other hand I am very scared that I might die this week. That is when it happens, when things start going your way. You never hear anyone on the news being like “He drank to much and lived in his parents’ basement and temped at the hospital. HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?”

So what does this move mean for you:

1. fewer posts about fat people
2. more posts about that guy on the subway

This weekend I was looking at an IKEA catalog, and I was thinking how even though all their stuff is such total crap, that when they put together a room it looks very nice. Very clean and modern. But then I was thinking how creepy it would be if you went to your friend’s apartment and EVERYTHING was IKEA-fied. Maybe not creepy, but definitely annoying. Like if your friend went to the mall and just bought one of everything at the GAP. He would be like “Hey, check out my new outfit,” and you’d be like, “Hey, I just defriendstered you.”


Karate Kid IV: Sass Attack

I met the real life Curly Sue! Such a precocious treasure!

12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: Don’t move.
Worker #3116: I have to.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: Why?
Worker #3116: I just do. You want to know what else? Next week is my last week.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: No.
Worker #3116: Yes.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: How could you do this to me?
Worker #3116: Sorry.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: You just totally ruined my minute.
Worker #3116: You’ll get another one.


Worker #3116: I never had braces.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: Why not?
Worker #3116: I don’t know. I didn’t really have a lot of friends, I was embarrassed.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: (gasps) Were you a nerd?
Worker #3116: Yeah.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: Did you wear glasses?
Worker #3116: No.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: Did you pull your socks up over your pants?
Worker #3116: No.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: Did you wear plaid?
Worker #3116: No. Look, I looked like a normal kid, I wasn’t that kind of nerd.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: Did you go in the computer room all the time?
Worker #3116: No.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: Are you shy?
Worker #3116: Do I seem shy?
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: Yes.
Worker #3116: Oh really? And when have I seemed shy to you?
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: That time…
Worker #3116: Uh-huh.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: When you were four…
Worker #3116: Uh-huh.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: And you were at the carnival, and you wouldn’t talk to that lady.
Worker #3116: Right. That time when I was four and you were NEGATIVE A MILLION?
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: Yes.
Worker #3116: No, I am not shy.


12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: Have you ever had a girlfriend?
Worker #3116: Yes.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: Was she ugly?
Worker #3116: As a matter of fact no, she was very beautiful.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: You’ve only had one?
Worker #3116: I’ve had plenty, don’t worry about it.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: Do you have one now?
Worker #3116: No.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: Maybe in New Yoooorrrrrkkk!
Worker #3116: Maybe.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: You’ve got to keep your options open.
Worker #3116: True.
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: My cousin lives in New York. She’s your age.
Worker #3116: Um…
12-Year-Old Girl from Karate: She’s blonde.
Worker #3116: Tell me more.

Oh, also, I’m moving to New York in a week.

Mandy Crabb Called Me a Kike

I got called a kike once. I’d gotten in this fight with this white trash girl in science class in junior high and we had to come in early the next day and clean the laboratory or whatever and while the teacher wasn’t paying attention she hissed that I was a “dirty kike.”

Her name is Mandy Crabb. I am not worried about publicly calling her out because what is she going to do? Yell at the WebTV? Is her boyfriend going to break out of prison and come kick my ass? Can you even run with gastric bypass?