Monthly Archives: June 2006

S.W.T.F.?

Please listen to this while reading the following post:

Two guys were talking about weight-lifting tips and techniques at my gym last night when I overheard one of them say “Did you see that movie S.W.A.T.? LL Cool J? He had a trainer for that who told him…”

S.W.A.T., crawling out of the b-movie dustbin to inform some weirdo’s hapless sense of ideal masculine body types.

The Goonies 2: Full Throttle

A Filmmakerâ??s Guide to Updating Classic Favorites for the Next Generation

E.T.
Instead of finding E.T. in the cornfield while heâ??s in the backyard playing catch, Elliot should find E.T. at the internet cafe. E.T. looks like a human being but is actually an alien, that way you can have Josh Hartnett play E.T. Heâ??s totally cool, with awesome cool clothes that we can merchandise and everyone will be wearing them. E.T-shirts, etc. Oh, and E.T. should be able to play video games with his mind and everyone is like, â??Oh crap,â? and we show the hottest new video game. Instead of dressing E.T. up as a ghost for Halloween the kids dress him up as Ryan Seacrest. Josh Hartnett could definitely pull off Seacrest. And letâ??s have Drew Barrymore play Elliottâ??s mom. Thatâ??s perfect. So meta, I love it. Instead of E.T. building a space communicator with a Speak-n-Spell letâ??s give him some kind of futuristic Nokia that doesnâ??t even exist yet. Whatever, it can be Samsung, just make it hot. When the government intercedes and takes E.T. away letâ??s make it the Department of Homeland Security, who think E.T. is a member of al-Qaeda. Topical And in the climactic chase scene at the end they shouldnâ??t be riding bikes, they should be riding Yamah motorcycles, and a cop car will flip over and explode. Oh snap! Also E.T.â??s spaceship looks like crap, make it cool. Kids donâ??t want to see crap.

The Goonies
This is smart, fun, exciting adventure for kids, but it could definitely use a face-lift if itâ??s going to keep speaking to contemporary youth. First of all, black Goonie. We need to get a real â??streetâ?? kid in there with his slang, popping and locking. Weâ??ll call him D-Block. Instead of the Fratellis, letâ??s have the Sopranos, or the real-life Gottis. Thereâ??s definitely some cross-promotional potential there. Fugetaboutit, Goonies. Remember when Chunk finds that freezer full of ice cream? Not good enough. Freezer full-of Ben nâ?? Jerryâ??s ice cream. No one eats Rocky Road, so make it Chubby Hubby. Cherry Garcia. See where Iâ??m going with this? Letâ??s update the booby traps, too. Lasers. At some point a cop car flips over and explodes. Instead of an Asian kid who makes gadgets that donâ??t work, how about a native Hawaiian kid who makes gadgets that do work. Then we can make a line of gadget toys. Perfect. And instead of a pirate ship, they end up finding a buried space caravan that has traveled from the future and is filled with awesome video games and Nokia phones that donâ??t even exist yet. Everyone is like â??sweet!â? X-Box 360, fuhgettaboutit. Weâ??re talking X-Box 3,000,000! HEY-OH! At the end everyone parties on the beach and we have someone perform live…Nelly performs live. Turns out Nelly is D-Blockâ??s cousin. Roll credits. Boys, I think we have a major hit on our hands.

Teen Wolf
What youâ??ve got in Teen Wolf is a lot of heart, but whereâ??s the punch? Whereâ??s the zing? So heâ??s a teenager and a werewolf? Why should I care? How does that make my problems seem any less difficult? Now, if he was a cross-bred vampire-werewolf, now youâ??ve got me hooked. Reel me in. An international secret society of druids believe that this vampire-werewolf could be the key to ending the centuries long war between the two societies, but the final showdown is going to occur on the same day as the final basketball game with Lincoln High School. He defeats the elder vampire Crul who has returned from a 700-year sleep to ensnare the world and turn humans into slaves. Teen Vampire-Wolf is the only one standing in his way…in his basketball uniform. Teen Vampire-Wolf sucks. Teen Volf. Teen Wampire. Come up with something. Also: Teen Volf discovers an underground cavern beneath the tiny house he shares with his father, like the Bat Cave. The Vampire Wolf Cave. Same problem. Fix it. Also we need a catch-phrase, something the Teen Wampire can say that is hot, that catches fire. â??Itâ??s Howl-Time!â? or maybe â??Lemmee Howl Atcha!â? Is there any way that instead of a basketball player, our hero is a freestyle rap battler like in 8 Mile? But without having to be poor? I donâ??t want a trailer park in this movie. Trailer parks do not put butts in seats.

Karate Kid
Martial arts is a great selling point, but letâ??s get some Matrix going on here. Thatâ??s so cool when people hang in the air and the camera is like WHOOOSH all around them, right, and then they take out, like, ten dudes! And letâ??s face it, he needs an update to his outfit. He canâ??t just wear a karate outfit, but maybe a karate outfit and then a floor-length silver leather jacket and when he enters a room in slow motion the coat falls off his shoulders and itâ??s like OH SNAP! KARATE KID IN THE HIZOUSE! Now, Mr. Miyagi was great, but kids these days arenâ??t going to relate to this story, itâ??s too creepy, an old man being friends with a young boy, why? Why are they friends? Is he a pervert? Of course heâ??s not, but you donâ??t even want the question to enter kidsâ?? heads. Besides, Pat Morita, God bless him, has joined the angels. SO….how about an Angelina Jolie type, like a Lara Croft type character. Stay with me, at first the Karate Kid is like â??No way am I going to learn from a girl,â? and then she kicks his butt. GIRL POWER! Together, they have to defeat a crime syndicate that is trying to bring illegally gotten South African diamonds into the country. The syndicate is using a competing martial arts school as a front for their illicit diamond trade. So at the final karate tournament thatâ??s where it all goes down. The Karate Kid wins the tournament, they catch the bad guys, and a police car flips over and explodes. Maybe this all actually happens IN THE MATRIX. Like a Matrix spin-off. Perfect. I love it.

Dangerous Mind

There have been a lot of ads on Comedy Central lately for the upcoming premiere of the Chappelle Show’s Lost Episodes or whatever. Now, I’m white, so that means by law I am required to think that this show is hilarious and that my enjoyment of it somehow makes up for any kind of soft bigotry I may still harbor from my privileged upbringing. I’m also very excited for when the show starts airing in heavy rotation because that’s when Herb #3116 will start busting out his radio edit proclomations of “I’m Rick James!” That’s great. If you think it’s funny when Dave Chappelle does it, you should get your step-dad to say it, at brunch. It kills. Me.

Everyone has been all upset with Dave Chappelle for leaving the show because now America’s frat boys are scrambling for something to incessantly butcher while they stumble upstairs to their rape chambers. People want to know why he did it, if he’s crazy, how he could leave behind his rumored 50 million dollar contract, and how he could abandon middle-aged white people who felt hip for the first time in years. The release of the missing episodes is only going to make this controversial subject flare up again, especially with the purported lawsuit Chappelle might bring against the station for airing the material.

What concerns me is that while everyone’s attention is diverted by the Chappelle fiasco, a very real, very unfunny threat builds:

What is being done to stop this fucking guy? More importantly, whose dishes did he wash to get his own show?

Unhipster Erotica

stevil: i’m listening to blind melon on webradio right now
WELCOME TO THE FUTURE

worker3116: well
it makes sense
you are the bee girl
personified

stevil: i still want to know where she is now
i bet she’s in the yeah yeah yeahs

worker3116: no
evanescence

stevil: hahahahaha
she is tegan or sara

worker3116: she is marilyn manson’s girlfriiend
von teese

stevil: dita
worker3116: she is
a suicide girl
man
think how much
attention she would get
if she was

stevil: seriously
who wouldn’t want to say they banged the bee girl

worker3116: who wouldn’t want to say
they banged it to erotic
phtos of the bee girl
on the internet

stevil: hahahaha
man, i’ve tried finding the bee girl now but i can’t find her
i need to know
get on it

worker3116: ask jeeves
dude

Hipster Erotica

The other day I made my daily pilgrimage to Cup of Life, the local Fair Trade coffee shop that bravely struggles to show these sheep that there are alternatives to the exploitative monster that is Starfucks. I ordered my cup of “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go Blend” Honduran Green Mountain, when I heard a familiar voice behind me. “Let me get this.” A man in a baseball cap stepped forward and said, “Make that two.” Oh. My. God. Sufjan Stevens just bought my coffee. I didn’t know what to do. He turned and smiled at me. “Want to get a table?” he asked. “Better yet, want to go back to your place?” I was shaking as Janice, who does a pretty amazing burlesque act that totally reappropriates homonoramtive ideas about sexuality and femininty, handed me my cup of coffee and shrugged.

Sufjan Stevens and I sat on the edge of my bed and talked for hours about everything. It sounds dumb to say it, but he actually gets me. He said that I was one of the most genuine people he’d ever met, and that I was actually cool, not like one of those people who obviously wants to be cool, but who just is, like a coolness that comes from deep within and is as much a refutation of cool as an embrace of it. We held hands and talked about the future, and about how Teddy Geiger is a corporate construct, and about animatronic puppets at Disneyworld taking over the planet. Sufjan Stevens has the most amazing eyes. Then Sufjan Stevens pulled out his guitar and played a song that he’d written just for me. It was called “Amanda Knows What No One Else Knows She Has the Most Beautiful Nose! Eureeka!” When he’d finished the song he wiped a tear from the corner of my eye, and told me that my outfit was amazing. “I would never have thought to put that top with those trousers,” (he used the word trousers! so cute!), “but it totally works. And I see a lot of outfits when I’m out on tour. Speaking of, would you like to go on tour with me?”

Then, slowly, Sufjan Stevens pulled down my sweat shop-free American Apparel boys’ shorts and slid one, two, then three fingers into my vagina.

Makes Your Mouth Ha-Ha-Happy!

Clown Coffee pointed out this bumper sticker to me in the work parking lot yesterday:

He and I already discussed how gross it is, and how insanely unprofessional, and we also heartily dissected the moral dishonesty of it and the basic low rent gutter anti-humor.

But what I want to know is if you think that is hot, does this make you cum so hard?

Number Three-One-One-Six Gets Suspicious

A few weeks ago, when Clown Coffee and Cupcake would come over to watch The Soprans, they would bring this high octane blueberry ale or some candy bullshit. I don’t know. It was blueberry beer. It was for women. But it tasted alright, I’m just complaining. THAT IS WHY YOU ARE HERE, RIGHT, JOKER? Anyhow, then I noticed last week that Trader Joe’s started making their own blueberry beer. All of a sudden my world had gone from zero blueberry beers (which, honestly, I was fine with), to two different brands overnight. I wouldn’t really have thought that much about it, until the entire internet was overrun with this shit:

I like pancake accessories as much as the next guy, but I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that Haliburton just overpaid for a whole bunch of blueberry futures or some shit. What is this? Where did this craze come from? So I did a little digging. And surprise, surprise, guess who was just voted by secret ballot to head of the Illuminati!