When we last left our heroes…
Q: Did you ever envy one another’s superpowers?
HALLE BERRY: I envied that I never really got to do my powers until the third movie. Fly and do electricity and spin and make a tornado like I got to do now. I envied that I never got to do what I do.
ANNA PAQUIN: I still never get to do anything. Three movies, absolutely no action. It’s kind of amazing.
REBECCA ROMIJN: Somebody’s always got it worse than you.
Meanwhile, somewhere far far away:
There’s a new temp at work whoÂ spends most of his time on the phone to his girlfriend.Â He is sticking in Clown Coffee’sÂ craw because every time he calls someone or gets a call he answers “Hey, what’s up?” in this flat, mono-dude-tone. But that’sÂ not what bothersÂ me. The thing that gets me is that he says “coo” as in “That’s coo,”Â ”Okay, coo,” and my personal favorite “coo coo.”
ATTENTION TEMP, THE WORLD ALREADY HAS ONE GWEN STEFANI AND SHE AT LEAST HAD THE DECENCY TO GET CAUGHT IN SOME SPIDERWEBS RENDERING HER UNABLE TO COME TO THE PHONE.
10. On your resume, you listed one of your qualifications as being a 7th-level Elfin Sorcerer.
9. In the interview process you make reference to your high level of “bangability.”
8. When asked to list your strengths and weaknesses, even your mom had trouble with the strengths section. Even your MOM. Really the onlyÂ strength she was confidant about was your ability to ask questions. Who can’t ask questions?
7. Under “work experience” you crossed out “work” and put in “The Jimi Hendrix” with a picture of a smiley face smoking a joint.
6. Sometimes you can spice up your resume by listing your interests. It’s a way to let employers know a little bit about you as a person. But when all you have listed is “Simpsons reruns” and “giving chicks dutch ovens” maybe the less they know the better.
5. Cheetos fingers.
4. While everyone respects a certain amount of ambition, maybe “To be the most kick-ass ass-kicker that kicks so much ass he is crowned king of Asslandia and rules with an iron f**king foot” is not a realistic objective. Still, kudos on cleaning up the language with asterisks.
3. Sega is not a computer literacy.
2. Which part of your racist, homophobic, sexist blog that deals primarily with how bad everyone at your last job sucked do you think is going to be most appealing to employers?
1. Nice Corona t-shirt. Where did you get it? Oh, SeÃ±or Frogs? And you just wore that right to the interview? Oh, I see, you’re still drunk.
Gross, slate. Gross.
And it’s more than a little depressing when you find out that a bunch ofÂ silvercrotched geriatrics are getting way more trim than you.
There has been a lot of talk in the critical press about the homosexual metaphors in the new X-Men movie. Now that I have seen it, I can definitely say that when the gays get telekinetic powers capable of disintegrating people’sÂ bodies while flyingÂ and/or have retractableÂ pufferfish faces of steel Hellraiser spikesÂ I will definitely have to rethink the whole adoption issue. Should children really be raised in an environment with two same-gendered parents who can walk through walls and turn their bodies into Waterford cyrstal? I’m not so sure. Not anymore.
Also: did anyone notice in the end credits when they had the “the Producers would like to give special thanks to” section that they thanked the City of Vancouver, some church, the Film Board of British Columbia, and Kiehl’s? This is true, and it is very gay.
The thing about long weekends is that you like totally want to use the time to have the most fun and maybe even get some work done on those little projects and tasks that you’ve had festering at the bottom of your to-do list for months and months. But then it ends up being the third day and you’re well-rested and tired of watching TV and there’s no one to hang out with andÂ it’s likeÂ 90 degreesÂ out and your gym is closed and your karate school is closed and you don’t really feel like reading or cleaning your room and you’ve hit a wall with the short story you were writing and even if you hadn’t hit a wall writing is fucking boring and you figure that probably the best way you could spend the rest of the day is making a picture of Robocop fighting a pterodactyl.
In life, there is no up-down-up-down-right-left-a-b-select.
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!
FORGIVE me, Firecrotch! Foot-in-mouth rich kid Brandon Davis says he’s sorry for his vulgar Lindsay Lohan-bashing tirade in which he joked about her private parts as Paris Hilton laughed her head off. “My behavior on May 16 was inexcusable,” Davis says in a statement that sounds like he had some help in writing. “What started out as a joke got completely carried away and I am horrified at the words that came out of my mouth. I consider Lindsay a friend and I hope she accepts my sincere apology for my reprehensible actions last week.”
(New York Post)
The full text of Brandon Davis’s apology: