Monthly Archives: February 2006

There It Go (The Whistle Song)

It’s Friday, which means it is time for the weekly Top 40 hip-hop single review. Let it penis at you.

“There It Go (The Whistle Song)” â?? Juelz Santana

Every once in awhile there will be a mainstream cultural event that cross-pollinates with the underground. Jackasses in “co-ed naked” shirts will be into it. Guys in skinny ties and eye makeup will be into it. Girls with ‘Juicy’ printed on their butt will be into it. Girls who wear black-and-white striped tights and write manifestos against the exploitation of animals in the creation of new chewing gum flavors will be into it. This happened last summer with Kelly Clarksonâ??s “Since U Been Gone,” a song that literally dominated the world for at least a month. It also happened a few years ago with the movie Bring It On, because who doesnâ??t like girls in skirts flipping in the air? Everyone likes that. EVERYONE.

The opening of Juelz Santanaâ??s new single, “There It Go (The Whistle Song)” brings to mind the thudding breakbeats of Bring It On, or maybe Drumline. John Philip Souza would have been proud. If he werenâ??t dead. And probably a racist. The beat is basically announcing: “ladies, time to put on a pleated skirt and flip in the air. I will watch.” And they do it! The ladies love to flip for Santana. Theyâ??re like â??flip flip flip,â?? and Santanaâ??s like “whistle!”

Right. The whistle. It starts as a catcall, but then it moves down an octave, and then it moves down an octave again. I guess he can get away with this because he is a celebrity, but can you imagine a construction worker taking twenty seconds to whistle at a hot power-walking business woman? That bitch would be long gone and heâ??d still be sitting on his I-beam, with his lunch pail next to him, whistling. All his co-workers would be like “Shut the fuck up you stupid faggot.” The man who tried this whistle in real life would be nicknamed Snow White, and he would have animated birds on his shoulder, but no poontang in his life.

Letâ??s be honest, even Juelz Santana doesnâ??t quite understand what heâ??s doing:

Damn shorty look good and I’m thinkin bout gettin at her (okay)
Time to whistle at her
Hey girl you make my whistle blow

Time to whistle at you. Got it. You make my whistle blow? Okay…hold on…so, my whistle is my penis. But then that means “Time to whistle at her” means “Time to penis at her”? Attention metaphor police, we have an accident at the intersection of Whistle St. and Penis Blvd.

But the real problem for this song comes about a minute and a half in. Thatâ??s when all the cards have been laid out on the table and you realize, with a sinking feeling, that youâ??ve still got another minute and a half of staring at the same damn cards. Because I am bored, Santana, with your song. John Philip Souza understood the most important thing about a driving march: keep the people moving forward. You whistle at me SIX TIMES in the first minute and a half. I get it. You want me. Can we move on? Okay, Iâ??m moving on.

B-

PREVIOUS REVIEWS:
Stick Wit U
Candy Shop
Signs

Teen People Answers Your Questions About Chris Brown’s Sexual Orientation

Dear Teen People,

Last week I was out on the town with some friends. As I passed by a shoe store a young man stared at me. It was clear that he worked there because he was having an argument with his boss. It was not so clear if he would continue working there, as he appeared to have trouble showing up to work on time. Now that I think about it, it’s not unlikely that he has had an entire string of jobs he’s been unable to hold down due to his immaturity and his poor work ethic because he wasn’t even listening to what his boss was saying. I bet he got fired.

Anyway, as I continued walking I realized I was being followed. Not only was I being followed, I was being dance-followed. It was the employee from the shoe store! He was dance chasing me down the street, but there was no music. He seemed to have some kind of mp3 Bean that he is listening to, and singing along with. It was totally creepy. He dance followed me for SO LONG.

My friends and I decided to go watch some boys play basketball, and this CREEP dance followed me right onto the court, and then he interrupted everyone’s game by doing a big dance off with himself right in the middle of everything. It was a wonder that no one beat the shit out of this punk-ass fool. I sat on the bleachers and wonder what the deal was with this guy, who just kept dancing. He was staring right at you. And all I could think was Why doesn’t he take a break from all this dancing, and WHY DOESN’T HE STOP STARING AT ME OR AT LEAST BLINK?

My friends had obviously noticed the dancing shoe salesman by now, and they were jokingly talking about how he should be my boyfriend, and then THEY DITCHED ME! BITCHES! For some reason, though, I had been ensorceled by this dancing service industry worker and his magic mp3 Bean. I invited him into the backseat of my mom’s SUV because I don’t even have a driver’s license yet, but my mom left the SUV conveniently parked at the basketball court just in case I needed somewhere to make out. I was totally going in for the kiss, over and over, but this man would not kiss me. He just kept singing about wanting to dance with me, but never sealed the deal. WHY YOU WANT TO DANCE WHEN YOU COULD HAVE ALL THIS THAT I AM OFFERING YOU?

Is my new boyfriend, Chris Brown, a homosexual?

Sincerely,
Confused Hottie

Target Marketing

Approach. I am scary druid baby. I would like to poop and help you refinance your home. Good rates. I don’t care about your credit. Do you have a sandwich baggie full of Cheerios? That will suffice for collateral. Do you want to blow some bubbles? I am so scary. Scary mortgage druid spa baby. Now take your mortgage and get out of my sight before I eat you. Leave your shiny things, what are those? Keys? I wish to play with them. Then I will cry for hours and get you out of escrow. 

Old Loder

You know that scene in Old Yeller where they shoot Old Yeller? Because he is too old and he has rabies or something? I don’t even know what Old Yeller is about, so don’t get mad about the details, I just know what his name is and that someone shoots him.

Kurt Loder is the new Old Yeller!

I was watching MTV2 this morning and eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (BOOYAH!) and MTV2News came on and I was like “Oh, time to get a bare bones, month-late gossip piece about Nelly or something.” But it was even worse than that. Kurt Loder, who is standing up (gross, get behind a desk if you want to give news. Your body sucks), says ”Adam Sandler is going to be in a new movie about a wacky remote control that works on people!” Then they showed a preview for the movie:

“Click”

After they showed the preview and a quick interview soundbite of Adam Sandler going “See, the remote control is wacky. Heartwarming.” Then they go back to Kurt Loder and he said “That’s the news for now, stay tuned…”

THAT IS NOT THE NEWS FOR NOW OR EVER, IT IS CALLED A MOVIE PREVIEW AND IT SUCKS BALLS.

If I had a shotgun I would do it myself, just take him out back. I don’t have a shotgun. Someone with a shotgun do it. It’s for his own good, he’s obviously in a lot of pain. And very old.

The Nuge Says “FUCK URBANDICTIONARY.COM”

In light of this week’s earlier “momveralls” disappointment, I would like to use this completely ignored website to catalog another important neologism that I’m sure the shitbutts at urbandictionary would totally not even understand because their brains suck.

The word is “guitarms”. This is when you have guitars for arms. Admittedly, it’s not going to be used very often, at least until modern surgery catches up with the dreams of mankind. But every once in awhile no other word will do.

Worker #3116 to Replace Daniel Who? in “James Bond: Casino Royale”

JAMES Bond fans – infuriated that suave Pierce Brosnan, 52, was dumped for beady-eyed blond Daniel Craig, 37 – won’t be won over by the photo at right of the new 007 showing off his hairless chest. Fans have created a Web site, craignotbond.com, asking how the tall, dark superspy can be played by an actor with the face of a boxer and a penchant for playing killers, cads and gigolos. They were even more upset when they learned that Craig can’t even drive the classic Bond car, an Aston Martin DB5, because he can’t handle a stick shift.
(New York Post)

NEW James Bond Daniel Craig has already failed to make the grade as a tough guy – after a villain knocked out two of his teeth in his FIRST fight scene.
(Sunday Mirror)

Reasons Hollywood should cast Worker #3116 in Casino Royale instead of Daniel Who?

  1. Worker #3116 can drive stick shift. He loves it. Worker #3116 will drive the shit out of that Aston Martin DB5 and there will be no confusion that he knows what he is doing.
  2. Worker #3116 has already had his two front teeth broken in an ice skating tragedy. He is not a pussy about this, and his fake teeth are so strong he can eat apples and everything. Also fight.
  3. Worker #3116 has neither history nor penchant for playing killers, cads, or gigolos. Audiences will not be confused that he is a hero.
  4. Worker #3116 does not have the face of a boxer. Yet (please see post: “Face Legal.”)
  5. Worker #3116 is not beady eyed.
  6. Worker #3116 owns his own tuxedo. It is gray with silver accents, but this is because we are dealing with the James Bond of the future, and in the future all clothes are silver. They are faster that way.
  7. Picture Worker #3116 sitting at a roulette table: “Put a bunch of these chips on #12.” Picture the roulette ball landing on number 12: “It is as I expected.” Worker #3116 is very cool, and he is great at gambling.
  8. The public is ready for a Jewish playboy. Have you seen Seth Cohen on FOX’s hit teen drama The O.C.? Worker #3116 is the Seth Cohen of the international espionage jet set. Or will be when you cast him as James Bond instead of Daniel Who? in Casino Royale.
  9. Worker #3116 will do his own stunts as long as there are no knives involved. Worker #3116 hates knives. But if it did come down to a knife stunt, he would be willing to work on overcoming this fear for the sake of James Bond: Casino Royale. Daniel Who? has not displayed such willingness to overcome obstacles.
  10. Worker #3116 can take a punch (please see post: “Face Legal.”)
  11. When Worker #3116 was in summer camp he did very well at the shooting range. He believes his muscle memory from summer camp will serve him well in scenes that involve shooting. Same for swimming.
  12. Unlike with Daniel Who?, there is no worker3116notbond.com website to cause bad publicity for the film.
  13. Worker #3116 is availble for filming IMMEDIATELY.

Still the Dumbest Clown

Worker #3116: I just wanted you to know that you’re not the dumbester person I know anymore. I’ve met someone dumber.
Clown Coffee: Who?
Worker #3116: This guy…from Can…I’m just kidding. I haven’t met anyone dumber.
Clown Coffee: Oh okay. I was going to say!

IQ #3116 Test

I’ve developed a new test for whether or not you should be reading this diary. Stare at the following image for five seconds:

(news.yahoo.com)

If you did not laugh even a little bit, you are TOO SMART for me so go home to all of your books and seven-dollar ideas.

If, on the other hand, you not only laughed but you said “Fuck the lab, I’ve got your mysterious ball lightning right here,” you should not only be reading this diary, YOU SHOULD BE WRITING IT.

Maybe then you could explain what mysterious ball lightning is. I will admit that this whole conceit has some logical problems I’m having trouble resolving.

Talk to the Hand, Gas Pump

This morning I pumped gas and when I finished I waited for my receipt to print but it didn’t and the screen said “Please See Attendant” and I did that thing that people do, as if me and the gas pump were having a conversation, because I didn’t want to see the attendant, so I just waved my hand at the screen like “That’s okay, thanks,” and got in my car and left.

I AM SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

I really hate when people do things as if other people were watching them, because in my heart I knew that the gas pump and I were not having a conversation. The gas pump was indifferent to whether or not I went to see the attendant. It didn’t need my dismissive wave. That wave was obviously intended for a third party, who would see it and go “Well, I was wondering why he was waiting so long after he’d finished pumping gas, looking like an idiot, but apparently the gas pump has said something that he doesn’t care about and he told the gas pump he had to get to work.” The reason I hate when people do something for the benefit of phantom on-lookers is that if there are real on-lookers and they see you wave at the gas pump they are going to know for a fact that you suck.

Like I suck.

Breaking Unforgettable Adventure News

This is the headline:

Explorers Discover Huge Cave and New Poison Frogs
(news.yahoo.com)

This is the first sentence of the article:

A cave so huge helicopters can fly into it has just been discovered deep in the hills of a South American jungle paradise.

This is the name of the cave:

“Cueva del Fantasma” or “Cave of the Ghost”

Unfortunately, neither the Goonies, TinTin, nor the Hardy Boys were available for comment.