Monthly Archives: February 2006

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggeringly Mediocre Chat

I had a very mildly amusing g-chat this afternoon, which I thought I would post. After I formatted it, I realized it wasn’t even that funny, but it took so fucking long to format that I’m going to just put it up here anyway. So disappointing. Why on this day does my diary suck so bad, when on every other day it only sucks very bad? I’m sorry I’ve ruined your life.

Worker #3116: GIVE ME SOME MONEY
GET ME A JOB

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Gone to My Head

It’s funny when you discover certain thresholds that you didn’t even know you had. Like last night I spent 70 dollars on four hats and I thought to myself, “That is a good use of my hat budget.”

APPARENTLY I HAVE A “HAT BUDGET.”

Foxx in the Snow

McCullen relayed a story to me once that Slugger had told him about living in L.A. Slugger worked at a bar, and one night he was closing up and the manager sent him to clear out the V.I.P. room upstairs. So Slugger goes up there and when he opens the door the first thing he sees is a naked woman lying on the pool table while a man fucks her with a pool cue. The next thing he sees is Matthew Perry standing in the corner, having a jovial conversation.

Stories like these convince me that celebrities know something that we don’t. Something dark and dangerous. MATTHEW PERRY? Come on! Serving Sara? The Whole Nine Yards? THE WHOLE TEN YARDS? The guy is a douche. You should not let him near your Eyes Wide Shut sex-party, he will only ruin it with some lame pun joke about hooters.

Nevertheless, it is with this seamy West Coast underworld of sexual degredation that I express to you women my concern about your current relationship with Jamie Foxx. JAMIE FOXX IS NO MATTHEW PERRY. Have you even been looking at his face this whole time? It’s got “I’mma date rape you” written all over it. And it’s his new song that really started setting the alarm bells off in my head:

Girl get comfortable we bout to do something you neva done before
Baby not the usual tonight we gettin unpredictable
So tryyy to roll wit me baby… baby
Iâ??m a make you feel like you neva felt,
Girl all because you let me get unpredictable

At first it seems like he probably just means anal, but then you remember that it’s Jamie Foxx, who has been giving girls anal since third grade, so it’s definitely not just anal. We’re talking golden showers, dirty sanchez, rusty trombone, all those gross scatalogical sex acts you got in an email-forward going around the college campus. And that’s just foreplay. Peeing and shitting on your naked body are his way of saying “IIIIIIT’S SHOWTIME!” STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN. If he starts making you “feel like you neva felt” jam your thumb and forefinger into his eyes, kick him in the groin, rip his diamond-stud earring out, and scream “I’m being Ray-ped.”

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. But in America, the fake blind man is fucking nasty.

Clay Gayken

JUST as Page Six predicted two weeks ago, some homophobic Clay Aiken fans have lodged a formal complaint with the Federal Trade Commission over the marketing and promotional practices of Aiken’s label. They charge false advertising and misrepresentation and conspiring to market and promote Aiken – the “American Idol” contender who allegedly had a tryst with a former military man – in a false and deceptive manner. A spokesman for the group said, “As consumers, we feel ripped off. It is obvious now that the private Clay is very different from the manufactured, packaged public Clay who was marketed to us.”
(New York Post)

Dear Federal Trade Commission, 

Speaking as one music lover to another, I think we can both agree that one of the distinct pleasures of listening to a singer is knowing very firmly what that singer’s sexual orientation is. How am I supposed to enjoy the gentle croonings of a trite pop-singing reality TV construct when in his private life he is a gay homo? Because if I had known he was a gay homo I would not have voted for him 1,700 times while watching a TV show targeted to teenage girls. And I would NOT have purchased a debut album filled with cloying adult contemporary pop songs targeted to teenage girls.

You see, I believe that the media has an obligation to accurately market people based on their sexual orientation so that we, the consumers, know how to boycott faggots. It’s too easy in this lax world of declining morals to not only fail to boycott a faggot, but to SUPPORT THE CAREER OF A FAGGOT! This world is going to hell in a handbasket that perfectly matches its shoes.

What am I supposed to tell the children I have sired to prove my heterosexuality? Sorry, daddy’s little tokens of his masculinity, I didn’t know that that confessed lover of showtunes who became famous covering songs by Elton John is a faggot? They would hate me, like I hate the idea of someone being gay so much that I’m writing the Federal Trade Commission. I don’t even know what the Federal Trade Commission does I’m just so mad about this secret faggot! If you could get AIDS from listening to a CD I would have AIDS! That’s just messed up.

I urge you to take whatever kind of action is in the power of the Federal Trade Commission to have the words “Actually a Faggot” stamped on all of Mr. Aiken’s releases from now on. Meanwhile, I will be listening to the derivative, uninspired music of Maroon 5. I have read in the gossip pages that Adam Levine sleeps with all kinds of women. He’s probably the greatest singer of all time.

Sincerely,
Big Retarded Closeted Gay Asshole

Kitty Porn

As anyone with any experience looking at pornography can tell you, sometimes you see something so mind blowingly hilarious (KABOO-LOL-OOOM!) that you can’t keep it to yourself. Like when Worker #3116 used to work at Convenience Store and entreprenurial magazine distributors would send us titles that we didn’t even carry, just to see if we’d change our mind, and one day Jason Prince found a picture in Hawk magazine of a naked girl sitting spread eagle eating beans from a can with a plastic spoon. People need to see this. It needs to be out there.

But as you get older, social norms make it more and more difficult to share in these treasures. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen something while trying to jack it that has made me laugh out loud. I cannot tell you because polite society and the LIBERAL MEDIA are doing everything in their power TO KEEP YOU FROM THE TRUTH. But finally, I’ve found something that even the New York Times and MICHAEL MOORE can’t keep me from sharing with you.

Okay, now that I’ve built it up it’s not even going to be that funny. But it’s definitely going to be NSFW.

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