Monthly Archives: January 2006

For Your Consideration…

This year, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is proud to introduce a new category: Best Video Game Adapted from a Movie. And the nominees are:

Shoot your way through 1970s Berlin in this vast moral quandry from the makers of Grand Theft Auto. “Trick out” your assassin and then lay waste to the Palestinian leaders who either did or did not orchestrate the murder of Israeli competitors at the 1972 Olympics. Each Palestinian is increasingly difficult to assassinate as you hunt down their leader: code name “Bowser.” Or assassinate your friends with the multi-player function.

Goodnight, and Good Luck
As Edward R. Murrow, you use the fledgling power of broadcast media to stand up to one of the most powerful men in America, Joseph McCarthy, and his dangerous minions known as the “House Un-American Activities Committee”. Write, edit, and produce real-time news segments powerful enough to capture a disinterested public’s attention.

Getting the truth behind a shockingly vicious murder is up to you and a wise-cracking, gun-toting martini who rides on your shoulder. Use your devastating “Flamboyance” “Wit” and “Big City Aura of Importance” combinations to persuade two murderers and a small mid-western town that you’ve got their best interests at heart (not really!) and thereby change the face of non-fiction literature.

Brokeback Mountain
Navigate the dangerous waters of life as a closeted gay man in this dramatic role-playing adventure. Play as either Jack Twist or Ennis Del Mar. Tend the herd, ride in the rodeo, and live a solitary life of unspeakable loneliness, all while keeping your feelings hidden from a multi-leveled world that can’t understand you. Then, break the bricks to get all the gold coins.

March of the Penguins
Experience the thrilling journey of a penguin as it marches single file to its arctic mating grounds. Suitable for all ages. No controller needed.

Homos Need Not Apply

On Saturday we went to a dance party and on Sunday I got a message from a homosexual saying that he saw me there and that it looked like I was having a good time and did I have a good time? (translation: do you want my big business inside your butt and/or mouth?)

You know, my profile says STRAIGHT, okay? And just because the picture is me posing on a giant teddy bear, and just because the most recent comment I have received is an animated gif in hot glittery pink that reads “Sexy Bitch,” and just because Avril Lavigne’s “Fall to Pieces” plays in the background, and just because I have a hair salon listed in my “Top 8″ doesn’t mean that I like dick. It says STRAIGHT right on there.

The One Where I Pretend to Be a Music Video Director, Pitching My Idea for T-Pain’s New Single, “I’m in Love (Wit a Stripper)”

Okay, first of all T-Pain, I gots to tell you that I love what you do with a vocoder. All your songs got that tight ass vocoder shit and you’re like “Oh shit, here’s another T-Pain joint!” It is tight. Okay, so, the beat drops and you’re standing in the driveway talking to your girlfriend who is about to go to work. Your neighbor, Mike Jones, comes out of his house to get the newspaper. No…no…I think it’s totally believable that Mike Jones would at least subscribe to the newspaper, but you’re right, he probably wouldn’t read it. But remember, we’re setting the scene. So, you’re saying goodbye to your girl, and what do you see next door? You see a moving van, and you see a beautiful woman carrying boxes into her new house. This woman is a stripper. She stumbles on the sidewalk and drops the box, revealing that it is filled with cash. You are like “Oh, damn!” As she stuffs the money back into the box your eyes meet and it’s obvious that the two of you want to bone. Your girl is like “What the hell are you looking at?” and you’re like “It’s all good, baby,” because you’re not actually lying, are you? “It’s all good” can mean lots of different things. It’s open to interpretation.

Cut to that night. You see this beautiful new woman getting into a fast whip and again you are like “Damn!” It doesn’t really matter what you’re doing standing on your front lawn in the middle of the night. The audience is already with you. As this bitch gets in her car she very obviously drops a set of keys onto the driveway and gives you a look that says “Nigga, come pick these keys up.” You do, and you let yourself into her house. Her room is filled with pink silk, and then we’re going to do this confusing thing where you’re watching women in their underwear, in various states of undress. It’s confusing because a) the stripper just left so it can’t be her, b) you’re looking out the window? into another house? and c) what? But these girls are going to be da bomb, T-Pain, and no one is going to worry about the narrative logic of what is happening as soon as they seem them panties.

Mike Jones comes out and does his thing. It’s all good! He flashes some ice including a diamond encrusted pendant that says “Ice Age” because that’s tight. It’s not lame to wear jewelry that bears the title of a popular computer-animated film for children.

Finally, you are in love wit dis stripper. You are at the club and this stripper is dancing for you and you are like ‘Oh shit, I am in love wit dis stripper,” and it’s like, it’s like beautiful, man. Fucking beautiful. And then at the end of the night this stripper comes out of the club and who is there waiting with his hot whip to take her home? It’s her man. You! Yeah, you’re her man now! And she gives you this look like, “Aw, you are so sweet, boo,” and you give her this look like “I am going to give you a backshot tonight.”


Calvin and Thomas Hobbes

Does anyone know who came up with the “Calvin peeing” window decals that are so popular among the assholescenti?

You do realize that, right? Someone invented that. Do you think you can handle some more? Do you? Okay: they’re rich because of it.

I guess the larger question would be why/how did it become such a phenomenon. Like, okay, a confederate flag sticker? I get it. You hate black people, and you want to use your piece of shit truck as a means of expressing that. You want your hate to travel as far and wide as you do, all the way to Old Country Buffet if that’s what it takes to deliver your “message.” And a “Taz Slam-Dunking a Basketball in Bugs’s FACE” sweatshirt? I AM FEELING YOU SO HARD RIGHT NOW (not gay). Nothing says “street” like the Toons, but in case it wasn’t clear, they are wearing gold chains and playing b-ball. (Does anyone still say b-ball? Besides my mom. Oh my god, I’m turning into my mom. Ha ha ha. Just kidding. Her blog is way racister than mine.) Taz is totally thug life forever.

But the “Calvin peeing” sticker remains a mystery. It’s like “I’m subversive…but I also like the whimsy of childhood and imaginary friends.” It says “I’m a rebel, at least as far as decorating my car with things you can buy in any gas station is concerned.”

Or is it smarter than that? Nowadays you can find stickers with Calvin peeing on all kinds of things (my favorite is posted at the very end of this post)…but at the beginning it was just Calvin peeing…on nothing. How nihillistic. How Sartre! Do we succumb to the absurdity of nothingness, or do we simply drop our pants and say “Here, universe! Here malicious trickster God of cruelty! We pee on your enigmatic existence, and by that we truly embrace life.”

I don’t know. What I do know is here is my favorite: Continue reading

The Passion of the Worker #3116 (Sweet Two-Year-Old Reference, Dude!)

I was reading USA Today at lunch and it featured an article about the sharp rise in faith-based travel packages. Basically, if you’re a fucking idiot, and you’ve had a bunch of shitty kids, there are more options than ever before for places you can go be with other jackoffs just like you! But then I read this paragraph providing the context for evangelical Christians’ power as an economic group:

They represent about 70 million Americans â?? an estimated 25% of the population, according to a recent Gallup Poll. And they’re being courted by travel companies and destinations eager to tap the same lucrative market that has helped catapult Narnia to the top of the box office, make religious music titles outsell jazz and classical combined, and turn evangelical preacher Rick Warren’s The Purpose-Driven Life into one of the best-selling books in U.S. history.

“Twenty years ago, Christian radio stations barely existed. Wal-Mart didn’t offer religious books, and now they represent about a third of their sales,” says Kevin Wright of Littleton, Colo.-based Globus tours. “Every travel agent is looking for a new niche, and (faith-based travel) is one of them.”
(USA Today)

It got me to thinking. The Lion, the Witch, and the Boredrobe was pretty popular. It’s popularity was actually the exact inverse of its crapularity. And what about those Last Days books? Those have made millions! And music that sells more than two genres of music that no one really listens to anymore? Are you kidding me?! Wal-Mart! Do you know how much stuff Wal-Mart sells? It sells so much stuff.

Basically,, from here on out, will be a faith-based internet diary. I want to get my mitts on those monkeys’ moolah. There won’t be too much different about the content, but there will be an implicit understanding that every rape joke and insensitive racial stereotype will be presented as loving worship to Jesus Christ, who gave his life so that we could enjoy rape jokes and insensitive racial stereotypes.

Amen, muthafucka.

Dark Gray Hoodie Is What I Wear on the Outside Because Fuck This Place Is What I Feel on the Inside

Clown Coffee pointed out yesterday that my attire (jeans, 2-year-old-going-on-30-year-old brown sneakers, and a hoodie with the hood up) was a very visible demonstration of my flagging interest in working/being here. When I first started I would, at least once a week, wear a tie, and on the other days I would wear a nice shirt, with buttons, and subdued stripes. Oh, and pants. Professional pants. 

F that noise.

Today I have taken it one step further, with the same jeans and sneaks, but now a brimmed-watchcap and a dark-gray hoodie with the hood pulled up over the hat. If you need a visual depiction it is like a Jewish version of: 

Except like I said, the hoodie is gray. And the tires are my cubicle.

The white Eminem is back!