Monthly Archives: August 2005

Post-dated Futureletter

Dearest futurewife,

I think we both are going to say a lot of things futurelast night that we both are going to regret. I know I am going to did. Like when I will have said that futurechild was your futureson/futuredaughter, as if all of the problems we will be having with discipline are all your futurefault. And that “joke” I’m going to make about the weight that you will have been unable to lose after the birth of futurechild, no matter how hard you are going to try, will simply be was cruel and unkind. I am going to apologize, from the bottom of my heart. I am going to love you forever.

Worker #3116

Tensions Futuremount!

Worker #3116: Go to your room!
Futurechild: NO!
Worker #3116: I said, go to your room!
Futurechild: Make me!
Worker #3116: I have been dreading this for years.
Futurechild: I don’t care.
Worker #3116: I only love you because I have to, futurechild.
Futurechild: Shut up, loserdad, I’m watching T.V.

You’re Not Worth It, Okay? You’re Just Totally Not Even Worth It. If You Were Worth It, I’d Be Mad, But You’re Not. At All. So I’m Fine. Totally Fine.

I’m just going to get this over with right away, there’s nothing to do but get real about it, so:

I have been mistaken all these weeks about Iraqi Jane. She is not a chubby army nurse who did a tour in Iraq. She is Clown Coffee. Iraqi Coffee. Here’s the scene: totally real people go to a totally real bar called the Dizzy Rooster, the same bar they go to every night, seemingly undeterred by the fact that it’s called THE DIZZY ROOSTER. Iraqi Coffee gets drinks in her body that change her ability to make cogent decisions, and she makes out with a bouncer. (NOTE: This is her second bouncer romance since arriving in TX.) When she gets home, Shell Necklace tells her not to make out with bouncers anymore because it might get uncomfortable for him when he’s trying to scam free entry and free drink tickets. A very logical and reasonable point to present to the inebriated, volatile, female militarist. He keeps pushing this issue, then drops the issue and just calls her a slut over and over until Iraqi Coffee seriously pulls a fucking Arkham Asylum on him, screaming and throwing a tantrum, including such classics as “I hope you get shot on the street one day!” (?) and “I’m going to tell my army buddies and they are going to shoot you on the street one day” (?), and she carries on until both Eye-Face and Brick Brain have to pull her away, at which point she collapses to the ground sobbing and shrieking. I’m on her side in the argument, not so much in the crazies. So she gets carried into a bedroom where she begins to say “Please, just let me get up so I can go punch him.” This is followed by “I hope he gets run over by a car and dies.” Fuck Head covers her mouth and assures her she doesn’t mean that, that she doesn’t wish death on anyone, which is answered with a muffled “YEPHIDU”. Clown Coffee, in the body of an actual woman.

Also: she’s a Jew.

Meanwhile, Brick Brain and Pocahontas make out at a bar, and then go to another bar and make out, and then go to another bar and make out, and then go to another bar and make out, and then go home and tell everyone that they made out. When this happens, Shell Necklace and Eye-Face pull Brick Brain into the other room and tell him that he MUST FUCK Pocahontas. “Do it for us! Do it for America!” I have no real comment on this storyline except that it makes me want to die.

Later, Iraqi Coffee pulls out the lamest of lamewad self-rationalizations, which she couldn’t even think up herself, her dad told it to her: “Shell Necklace is not worth getting mad about. He’s just not even worth it.” This is a philosophy I believe in, but you’ve got to apply it at the root level. Post turbofreakout, it kind of rings hollow. Anyway, she goes around telling everyone that Shell Necklace isn’t worth it, that she’s fine because he isn’t even worth it. They’re worth it, but Shell Necklace isn’t, and then she gives Shell Necklace a dirty look, which kind of leaves me with the impression that he’s still totally worth it.

Next week: the world collapses under the weight of its own reality.

Unchained Melody

“As we noted the other day, both supporters and opponents of George W. Bush’s ‘stay the course’ plan for Iraq have begun invoking memories of the dead to support their positions. The president says American soldiers have to keep fighting and dying in Iraq in order to honor those who fought and died before them. Cindy Sheehan says her son would want her to be working to bring the troops home now.

There’s a lot of guessing going on here. We don’t know what Casey Sheehan would have wanted, nor do we know what percentageâ??if anyâ??of the 1,878 other dead Americans would have thought that the president’s course in Iraq was worth the lives of any more American soldiers…”


Laffter Cordon Bleu

I was feeling pretty steamed today about some roommate-perpetrated thievery until Clown Coffee told me about a roommate he had whose food was stolen so often that he took to hiding Banquet frozen chicken under his bed, which his roommates subsequently found anyway and ate and then he cried.

I’m still kind of steamed, but laffter is a very effective anti-inflammatory.

Florida 2005

“Warner Brothers Records is running a contest—Vote for Green Day in the VMA’s and win a trip to see the band in L.A.”


Not that it matters now. Even with this incontrovertible proof, the Kid’s Court would just overturn the case with canned applause.