Monthly Archives: May 2005

Emptiness Is Loneliness, and Loneliness Is Cleanliness, and Cleanliness Is Godliness, and God Is Empty, Just Like ME!

When I was little, I used to lie awake at night thinking about all the different people in the world and what they were doing. Like, I would imagine what women in Africa were doing, and how people in Asia were going to work, and what other children were doing, playing, talking about. I liked to imagine that somewhere in the world, right at that instant, someone was doing the exact same thing, thinking the exact same thought, wearing the same pyjamas, kind of having to pee but not so bad. Some of this was probably inspired by a children’s book I had about all the different peoples of the world and what they looked like and how they carried baskets on their heads. But mostly I was just very imaginative and curious and filled with passion for humanity.

NOT ANYMORE!

Who has time for that? There’s too much me, Me, ME to be obsessed with. Have fun without me, Africa.

The Princess and Worker #3116 Go Shopping

Worker #3116: Ouch!
McCullen: What?
Worker #3116: I slammed my shoulder into the corner of the car door.
McCullen: [High-pitched, British accent] “I can’t sleep! There’s something wrong with these mattresses!”
Worker #3116:
McCullen: It’s like the Princess and the Pea with you.
Worker #3116:
McCullen: “I can’t sleep! What ever shall I do? I don’t know what it is, but there is something wrong with these 100 mattresses!”
Worker #3116: 100 mattresses?
McCullen: Yeah, don’t you know The Princess and the Pea fairy tale?
Worker #3116: Yeah.
McCullen: She couldn’t sleep so she offered her hand in marriage to whomever could fix her 100 mattresses.
Worker #3116: I don’t think that’s how the story goes.
McCullen: Yeah, and all the men from the lands came, and everyone tried to fix her mattresses, but no one could, until a lowly farmhand discovered the pea, and they were married.
Worker #3116: I really don’t think that’s how it goes.
McCullen: That’s because you’re an idiot.
Worker #3116:
McCullen: “I can’t sleep!”

See, I’m the Man of This Town, and I Hope You Would’nt Mind if I Showed You Around

I’m not sure why I never noticed this before, but Ludacris’s new single, “Pimpin’ All Over the World,” makes me realize that he is the DJ Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince for the new millenium…Popular, modestly talented, and not taking this stuff too seriously. Something about the patented goofiness of his rhymes over the laid back beat of the song makes me think very much of “Girls Ain’t Nothin’ but Trouble,” off of Rock the House. Without the overdramatic “Trapped in the Closet”-style storyline.

Cover art featured here is for CD release of album. NOTE: Author of diary owns original cassette release.

NOT to be confused with “Guys Ain’t Nothin’ but Trouble,” off of Rock the House, in which Ice Cream Tee gets to offer the ladies’ point of view.

Anyhow, to clarify my point, just imagine Ludacris rapping the following, and your brain will be all like, “I get it.”

listen homeboys don’t mean to bust your bubble
but girls of the world ain’t nothing but trouble
so next time a girl gives you the play
just remember my rhyme and get the hell away
Just last week when I was walking down the street
I observed this lovely lady that I wanted to meet
I walked up to her I said hello
she said you’re kind of cute I said yes I know but
by the way sweetheart what’s your name
she said my friends like to call me exotic Elaine
I said my name is [Ludacris] and she said why
I said well I don’t know I’m just a hell of a guy
but enough about me yo let’s talk about you
and all the wonderful things that you and I can do
I popped some cash and in a little bit of time
I showed some cash and the girl was mine
I took her over town I wined her and dined her
she ask me did I like her I said well kinda
all of a sudden she jumped out her seat
snatched me up by my wrist and took me out to the street
she started grabbin all over me kissing and hugging
so I shoved her away I said you better stop buggin
she got mad looked me dead in my face
threw her hands in the air and yelled out rape
I got scared when she started to yell
so I handed her my wallet and ran like hell
I was duckin through alleys right and left
but when the cops caught up they almost beat me to death
I was arrested charged with agrivated assault
(yo Clancy we got him)
but it wasn’t my fault
nevertheless don’t mean to bust your bubble
but girls of the world ain’t nothing but trouble
so next time a girl gives you the play
just remember my rhyme and get the hell away
I was in a bar one Friday night
cooling watching a Mike Tyson fight
I was maxin and relaxin sippin on Tequilla
when this girl walked up she said hi my name is Sheila
I responded by saying hello
she paid for my drink and then said let’s go
20 minutes later things were starting to cook
as we pulled up into her house I said I’m with you toots
the music was soft and there was wine in the glasses
she started winking and making little passes
at me she pat me close that’s when she got bold
she started feeling up my back I said oh your hands are cold
we went to her bedroom thinking of one thing
took the phone off the hook to avoid the annoying ring
I carresed her body and I kissed her cheek
and that’s when I observed those satin bed sheets
I felt that it was time for me to make my move
I thought I better hurry up before I busted a groove
I leaned down to kiss her but then out of the blue
a door slammed and a voice said baby where are you
her boyfriend busted in he grinned an evil grin
and said boy I’m a tear your butt limb from limb
I was scared as hell where I was supposed to go
I just yelled geronimo and jumped out the window
just my luck we were in a snow storm
and all I had was my underwear on to keep my warm
and to top the night off I had to break in my place
because my keys were on pants back on Sheila’s book case
I was done sneezing and coughing
I hope this doesn’t happen to often
but nevertheless don’t mean to bust your bubble
but girls of the world ain’t nothing but trouble
so next time a girl gives you the play
just remember my rhymes and get the hell away
Jazzy: yo man you think they see your point
[Ludacris]: I don’t know I don’t think they really do
Jazzy: I think you should give ‘em another example
[Ludacris]: awright give me a scratch let’s make it funky right here
I got a ring on my phone May 5th last year
it was my girlfriend Betty I said hello dear
I was just about to call you I got a couple tickets to the Run DMC concert
(I’m wit it)
It’s six o’clock now at eight will you be ready
(yeah)
aight fine see you then Betty
I combed my hair washed and brushed my teeth
got funky fresh dressed in my le coque sportif
got to Betty’s at eight I was ready to jet
until Betty’s mon said Betty’s not ready yet
I sat there for at least an hour
it was ten after nine before she got in the shower
9:35 she comes downstairs
and said I need a little longer to finish my hair
at ten o’clock we had then missed the show
she comes downstairs and says let’s go
go where go to sleep I’m gone
I was steamin like a demon as I drove home
but it just goes to show
not trying to bust your bubble
but girls of the world ain’t nothing but trouble
so next time a girl gives you the play
just remember my rhyme just remember my rhymes
take heed to my rhymes and get the hell away
Jazzy: man first your parents just don’t understand
then you having these crazy nightmares
[Ludacris]: I know why me man why me
Jazzy: what’s next
[Ludacris]: now these girls man you know how it is
can’t live wit ‘em can’t live wit’out ‘em

Shops

Yesterday’s purchases:

Worker #3116
16 oz. Marinara Sauce
1 Pajama Bottoms
1 Futon Mattress

McCullen
3 Pairs Calvin Klein Underwear
6 Pounds Chicken
1 Magic Ball of Pure Energy Grasped in the Talons of a Dragon’s Claw

Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 2 of 5)

The tension is so high, you could hear a pin drop, and by pin I mean synthesizer water-drop sound effect.

Bwoop!

Well……
Now he’s staring at me like
As if he was starin in a mirror
She yells, “Honey let me explain”
He says, “You don’t have to go no further,
I can clearly see what’s goin on
Behind my back, in my bed, in my home”
Then I said, “Wait a minute now hold on,”
I said, “Mister we can work this out”
She said, “Honey don’t lose control”
Tried to get him to calm down
He said, “Ho I should’ve known
That you would go and do some bogus shit up in my house
But the Christian in me gave you the benefit of the doubt”
I said, “We need to resolve this”
Then he stepped to me, I’m like “Whoa!
There’s a reason I’m in this closet”
He says, “Yeah, like what, are you talkin clothes?”
“I met this girl at the Bodja club
And she told me she didn’t have a man”
Then he said, “Man please, I’d kill you if you didn’t have that gun in ya hand”
And I said, “But yo chick chose me”
He said, “Don’t give me that mack shit, please”
His phone goes off and then things get a little more interesting
He steps a little closer
I point my gun and says, “I’m not the one you after”
He says, “Somethin I bet you didn’t know my man
Did she tell you that I was a pastor”
I said, “Well good that’s betta right
Why can’t we handle this Christian-like”
And I started to put the gun down
Til I saw his face still had a frown
She started cryin, sayin “Baby I’m sorry
Then he said, “Baby not as sorry as you’re gonna be”
I started inchin out
He says, “No I want you to see this”
Said, “I gotta get out this house”
He said, “Not til I reveal my secret”
I’m like, “What is goin on inside his head”
Then he takes his phone and calls somebody up and says
“Hello, Baby, turn the car around
Listen I just need for you to get right back here now” (Click)
He looks at me and says, “Well since we’re all comin out the closet
I’m not about to be the only one that’s broken hearted”
She said, “What do you mean?”
And he said, “Just wait and see”
I said, “Somebody betta talk to me”
And then his phone rang
He picks up and somebody says, “Sweetheart I’m downstairs”
And he’s like, “I’ll buzz you up
I’m on the fifth floor, hurry take the stairs”
And I’m like, “Who is this mystery lady that you’re talking to?”
He says, “In time you both will know the shockin truth
Baby this is something I been wanting to get off my chest for a long, long time”
Then I said, “Now I’mma shoot you both if you don’t say what’s on ya mind”
He said wait, “I hear somebody comin up the stairs”
And I’m lookin at the door
He says, “I think you betta sit down in the chair”
I says, “I’m gonna count to four”
1, he says, “Mister wait”
2, she says, “Please don’t shoot”
3, he says, “Don’t shoot me”
4, she screams
Then a knock at the door, the gun’s in my hand
He opens the door, I can’t believe it’s a man

Itâ??s not us who have been teaching Radio. Itâ??s Radio whoâ??s been teaching us.

Three Things About Radios:

1. If you have trouble getting up in the morning, might I suggest setting your alarm to a radio station that will play “Hollaback Girl” at the designated time? Then, if you make it difficult to turn the stereo off, why, you’ll be springing up to greet the new day with the energy of a sixteen-year-old!

2. Last night I was coming home just when “Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 2 of 5)”* came on the radio. I hadn’t heard it yet, so I was obviously very excited, and sat in my driveway listening to it. Later in the evening, McCullen and I talked about making a “Trapped in the Closet” cover band, where he learns the lyrics and how to play the song on the guitar, and I stand in the background making that “bwooop!” drip noise. We could open for Kelly Caldwell.

3. The topic on the Morning Zoo was “do guys find funny girls sexy, or do they resent the competition,” which incited one of the DJs to affirm that he didn’t think girls were naturally funny. “They have funny moments,” he said, “but they’re not funny per se.” That got the phone lines ringing. First a girl called in to complain, saying that she really resented the fact that the DJ was saying that girls weren’t funny, and that she’s really funny, but she said all of this in the least funny way possible. So one of the DJs finally asked, “How do you know you’re funny?” “Because people tell me I’m funny all the time, like at work, and stuff…Funny is about being really silly, and having a sharp wit, and just being free to laugh.” They told her to have a funny day and hung up on her. Then a guy called in and said that his wife liked to make jokes, but that then he would make awesome come-backs, and he was starting to think that maybe he was going too far. One of the two girl DJs used this as evidence that “funny and funny in a relationship doesn’t work.” Then another DJ asked the husband for an example of what he said, which got this:

“Like, the other day, this friend asked ‘Do your sexual preferences change, after you’re married?’ And I was like, ‘When you’ve been with someone for so long, it’s like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.’”

Not only is this joke gross, it doesn’t even make sense. Like, he’s saying what? That he crawls up inside his wife’s vagina with his whole entire body and then does some weird kind of flicking motion with his penis? His wife’s vagina is so stretched out that he could run a housekeeping cart through it? I don’t know why, but when I heard this I pictured a hallway at a hotel.

Then a woman called in and she had this awesome piece of wisdom to share:

“I disagree with what y’all is sayin’, because I just can’t believe that God granted man the funny-bone, and woman the cooking-bone. It ain’t like that.”

When you listen to the Morning Zoo for so long, it’s like throwing your brain down a hallway.

*Lyrics to be posted soon.

Welcome to the Nuclear Option, Bitch!

“The N.O.”
A Senate Satire starring Ryan Atwood of FOX’s hit drama The O.C. and Marmaduke
by Worker #3116

Ryan Atwood: I demand an up or down vote on whether to move back to Chino and take care of Theresa, or to stay in Newport Beach and work on repairing my love for Marissa Cooper.
[Marmaduke sits lazily in easy chair.]
Ryan Atwood: Marmaduke get out of my chair!
[Marmaduke digs hole in backyard.]
Ryan Atwood: It is unconscionable for you to stand in the way of the due process of my love.
[Marmaduke is brought home by the dog catcher.]
Ryan Atwood: If you do not abide by my demand for an up or down vote on Marissa Cooper I will be forced to use my leadership position in the pool house to forcibly change the Cohens’ rules, rendering your protest invalid!
[Marmaduke uses arcane legislative rules to tie up all Senate committees, effectively shutting down the federal government.]

NB: The author of this political satire has only seen the first season of FOX’s hit drama, The O.C., and cannot be held responsible for any themes missing or changed due to developments in the second season.