Monthly Archives: May 2005

Are You Keeping Track? Are You Keeping Track? Cuz I Am Not!

I don’t remember a lot of things, but I do remember these things:

1. Getting round-kicked in the elbow and promptly suffering from a severe case of elbow cancer.

2. Chopper Corey, S. Middlekauf, Rod, and a bunch of other black-hooded-sweatshirt wearing kids arriving at a party and Mary Fiore saying that she felt like “The bad kids [had] just showed up,” after which the bad kids promptly built a two-foot-high gravel and broken glass mound in a driveway, blocking in all the cars.

3. Fluorescent green shoelaces. Mission accomplished.

4. Rachel’s car getting towed and then the part where we got into a cab and the cab-driver said “Worker #3116?” and see addendum on cab-driver below.

5. Mémé #3116 using her now classic line, “If I was a little bit younger, and not your grandmother, I would make a pass at you.”

6. Shooting the bottles with the b.b. gun one-handed so that I am elected Zombie Apocalypse Team Leader, but then having Australia-This-Australia-That keep yelling fucking “FLOWERS!” at me so that I know on the day that the Zombie Apocalypse does comeâ??which is soonâ??I will only be mildly sorry that she got eaten by the zombies in so much as I would feel bad watching any human life extinguished in horrific gore before my eyes. But nothing more than that. Flowers this.

7. Coming to work and having one of the first things to come out of Clown Coffee’s mouth be: “You want to fuck around, you’ve got to fuck through me.”

Cab-driver Addendum: When Cab-driver and I were in Elementary School, he invited me over to his house to play a superhero based roll-playing game. I’d been really intrigued by roll-playing games because my cousin had given me a rule book for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles roll-playing game that was based on the original Eastman and Laird Turtles, who seemed pretty bad ass. When I got to Cab-driver’s house, his mom had a diseased foot that she was soaking in Epsom salts, and there was a little barky dog that was apparently allowed to poop on the couch. Cab-driver’s mom acted as the “Dungeon Master” or whatever you would call it for a roll-playing game about superheroes. Anyhow, the only thing I really remember was that every time one of us met a female character in the game, Cab-driver’s mom would ask if we wanted to fuck the female character, and then we would have to roll the dice to see if we were successful. Talk about pressure to perform! Anyhow, later in the evening my mom called Cab-driver’s mom, and I was not invited over anymore, because I was that kid.

First Lady

Mémé #3116: But she really has nice coloring. Say what you want, her coloring is beautiful.
Mom #3116: Well, she’s a boring public speaker.
Mémé #3116: Gorgeous coloring.
Mom #3116: But she didn’t know when she married him that she would have to give these speeches. She didn’t know what she was doing when she married him.
Worker #3116: She knew exactly what she was doing when she married him.
Mom #3116: Oh, you mean because of his money?
Worker #3116: That’s all women are after.
Mémé #3116: Was he rich back then?
Mom #3116: They’ve been rich for generations. Both Barbara and George Sr. are from wealthy families.
Mémé #3116: Well, you’d think with all that money, Barbara could buy a decent outfit.
Mom #3116: She has pearls.
Mémé #3116: FAKE! I’m telling you, they’re fakes. Ugly. Yech.
Mom #3116: Watermelon?

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Page 412 of I’m the Fucking Motherfucking Boss Around Here: The Life and Goodtimes of Worker #3116:

“I blinked hard, twice, and realized I was back in my room, in my own bed. The morning light poured gracefully through the diaphanous curtains. It had all just been a terrible dream. Or had it?

The End?”

Ha Ha

I’ve always been confused by a lyric in Ja Rule’s “New York,” in which guest MC Fat Joe raps:

And I was just about to find god
But now that Ma$e is back I think I’d much rather find a menage

I wasn’t really sure what he meant by that…and the fact that he ran his finger down the scar on his face in the video when he got to this part didn’t help clarify things. So this afternoon I finally went to urbandictionary.com to see if there was a definition for menage that I wasn’t aware of, and I found this:

2. menage
a word that fat joe jus randomly put in his verse on NEW YORK

OKAY, THAT EXPLAINS IT!

My Favorite Are Episodes 3, 4, and 12

Actual Episode Titles for Remington Steele, Season 1:

License to Steele
Tempered Steele
Steele Waters Run Deep
Signed, Steeled and Delivered
Thou Shalt Not Steele
Steele Belted
Steeling the Show
Steele Flying High
A Good Night’s Steele
Hearts of Steele
To Stop a Steele
Steele Crazy After all These Years
Steele Among the Living
Steele in the News
Vintage Steele
Steele’s Gold
Sting of Steele
Steele in Circulation

“Man This Is Getting Scary, Iâ??m Gonna Shoot Somebody!”

Monday night was the false alarm, what with the late night phone call and the frantic on-line search, and the empty handedness at the end of it all, sad faces, a few tears, a lot of blaming and shaming. But, you know, these things have a way of working themselves out. So, what I’m telling you is, it’s here:

Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 3 of 5)
by
Robert Kelly

Well here we are the 4 of us in total shock
Me and her, I close my mouth, swallow spit (gulp)
Cause Iâ??m thinking to myself, “This is some deep shit!”
Then I said, “So you gonna tell me heâ??s the one you been talking to?”
He says, “Yes.” I says, “No.” He says, “Yes.” I says, “No.” He says, “Itâ??s the truth”
I yell, “All of y’all are all crazy let me up out this door
Because this is way more than I bargain for”
And then she says, “Wait, Iâ??m sure we can all fix this”
And then I said, “Iâ??m late cause I aint got a damn thing to do with this”
And then she said, “But wouldnâ??t you like to know just how it all began?”
Then I thought to myself and said, “Quick you got 3 minutes”
And then it got real quiet, I said, “Somebody start talking”
Then she said, “My God, Rufus, Iâ??ve got just one question
How could you do something like this? Iâ??m so hurt”
And he looked at her and said, “Bitch please, you got your nerve
With all your club hoppin, lying saying you were shopping
And now here you are in our home, and youâ??re calling me wrong?”
She said, “Okay, you busted me, and that much I agree
You caught me cheating, but this is a little extreme”
He said, “You are my wife sleepin behind my back
And now I come home and you got him in the closet, how extreme is that?”
She says, “But sheâ??s a he,” then he said, “Please, you canâ??t judge me”
She says, “Rufus this is crazy,” then I said, “Stop arguing!
I did not stay here to hear yall chew each other out
So get to the point or I swear Iâ??m out”
“Excuse me, please, but I think I can explain whatâ??s going on in here.
My name is Chuck and Iâ??ve been knowing Rufus bout a year
And err night creeping around with him has been a living hell
Sneaking in and out of hotels.” I said, “Brother, spare me the details”
Then Rufus said, “Chuck, please donâ??t say nothing else”
And then she screams, “Rufus, you son of a bitch!”
And he says, “Cathy go to hell”
I said, “I thought your name was Mary, thatâ??s what you said at the party
Man this is getting scary, Iâ??m gonna shoot somebody”
Then Rufus starts yelling and screaming saying, “Cathy this is all your fault”
She throws a pillow at him and says, “You was creepin too
The only difference is you didnâ??t get caught”
Chuck screamed out, “Weâ??re in love!” Cathy says, “Love my ass”
Rufus said they getting married, then I shoot one in the air
Then I say, “Not another one of you sonâ??s of bitches say a word
Cause all of this shit Iâ??m going through is unheard”
Grabbed my cellular, saying, “This is so wrong”
Called up my home and a man picks up the phone.

Pre-Destined: Mischa #3116

Well, according to both Monday and Tuesday’s horoscopes, last night was supposed to be awesome for romance, but I just sat in my room reading a book about Great White Sharks. Come on, ladies, get with the universal program! But then this morning I heard on the radio that there’s big trouble in Mischa Barton’s relationship with the oil baron-heir, Brandon Davis, so maybe what the stars meant was that last night was a great night for the golden road to celebrity-non-celebrity romance to be paved…over the bones of Brandon Davis’s heartbroken body! YES! Luckily, I’ve been deep in preparation for the wooing of the fake Marissa Cooper that I’m totally ready now that the real one is available. Wifebeater: check. Leather cuff: check. Icy attitude that is broken with sly, charming smile: check. Peace, fake Marissa Cooper. Ain’t nothin’ like the real thing.

Who said that? It was either Coca Cola or MC Skat Kat.

Deconstructing the TomKat

If you pay any attention at all to celebrity gossip, then you know that the only thing anyone can talk about is Tom Cruise’s budding relationship with Katie Holmes. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said “budding relationship.” What I meant to say was [Tom Cruise's] “farcical publicity stunt to hide his homosexuality” [with Katie Holmes]. Rarely do I point out things that other people do well, lest I detract from the brilliance of my own burning star, but I’d highly recommend going to defamer.com and looking at their well-chosen photos from Cruise’s appearance on yesterday’s Oprah Show to get a sense of what I mean.

What seems to get lost in the shuffle of this disgusting, public, asex-capade is that for Mr. Cruise, it’s really nothing new. After his marriage to “Nic” fell apart*, he teamed up with Penelope Cruz to make sure the world knew that if there was any questioning of his heterosexuality, it could be laid to rest, because here was a real-life, flesh-and-blood woman that he was spending every waking moment getting his picture taken with doing stuff that guys do with gals all the time! Would a gay man be seen on a beach or at a movie premiere with a beautiful woman? You bet he wouldn’t. And if that doesn’t convince you, how about some PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE!

Over 60 percent of the American public believes that Cruise’s and Holmes’s relationship is a publicity stunt, in polls conducted by People and US Weekly, as reported in the New York Times. Of course, this poll failed to ask the obvious question, and thereby failed to get the obvious result, which is that over 99 percent of the American public believes that Cruise is a big homo.

*The dissolution of Tom and “Nic”‘s marriage was the basis for the film Eyes Wide Shut by legendary filmmaker Stanley Kubrick. The basic premise is that a wife [Nicole Kidman, the actress] tells her husband [Tom Cruise, the actor] that she wanted to leave him for a sailor that she saw in a restaurant. The husband gets sad and confused and goes to a dangerous sex party that reveals to him the darker, animalistic side of human nature, as well as the fragility of his own upper-middle-class existence. The film ends with the couple deciding that they will have to do the best they can, together, to face such a dangerous, scary world. In reality, the husband [Tom Cruise, the man] delves as deeply into this deviant sexual underworld as his aging body will allow, forcing the wife [Nicole Kidman, the woman] to leave him, which she doesn’t see as that big of a deal since she’s been looking for a way out for years. The other difference between the film’s version of events, and the events as they actually happened, is that the illicit sex party visited by the real-life Tom Cruise is portrayed in the film as comprised primarily of masked men and gorgeous female prostitutes. In real life, there were only men at the party, which Cruise did not mind in the least.

“I’ve Got a Nice Rack”

Clown Coffee: Hey, Clown Coffee, can you touch your elbows behind your back?
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.

I Was Going to Say “German”

[Clown Coffee arrives to work in white jeans tucked into black leather boots]

Worker #3116: You look very–
Clown Coffee: Fucked out?
Worker #3116:
Clown Coffee:
Worker #3116:
Clown Coffee:
Worker #3116:
Clown Coffee: What?
Worker #3116:
Clown Coffee:
Worker #3116:
Clown Coffee: It could just be an innocuous turn-of-phrase.
Worker #3116: