Monthly Archives: April 2005

A Game of He Said, He Said

No amount of context will make sense of him anymore.

Clown Coffee: Not everyone agrees with you. Do you have a dvd set of you at home? You’re not the most popular whatever-you-are in the all times.
Worker #3116:
Clown Coffee: I’ll say it again, you’re not the most popular whatever-you-are in the all times.

Worker #3116: I hear what you are saying in my ear.
Clown Coffee: Well, is it registering in your brain-hole?

And I’m not even going to mention the part in the Hot Caff during coffebreaks when he asked if he “could get some milk from behind?”

Open Book

Predictions for “Get With It, It’s the 90′s: Best Summer Mix 199?-2005″ project:

MuttCat: Peter Pumpkinhead
OKTiger: Feed the Tree
Stevil: Smells Like Teen Spirit
ChineseJenny: Deep Inside
Neilgene: Workin’ for the Weekend
Swimwhateverthefuck: Seether
Worker #3116: Runaway Train

Why You Fat?

Reposted from e-mail received April 28, 2005

From: OKTiger
Date: Apr 28, 2005 10:40 PM
Subject: why you fat?

i feel as if you must know what a sass you were in my dream.

so i was in honduras and the other side of the street was mexico and i got really confused as to where i was and then i got kicked out of the peace corps for being pregnant.

so i moved to new york city and you came up to me where i watch the ice skaters fall and sometimes you were you and sometimes you were my friend paul. but you were like, “why aren’t you drinking hot chocolate?” and i was like, “i can’t drink hot chocolate anymore.” but i was really mean about it. and you were all, “let’s go get sushi.” and i was like, “I CAN’T EAT SUSHI. I HATE IT AND I HATE YOU.” and you were like, “why you fat?” and i was like, “GO AWAY!” and you go, “you fat with a baby? you fat with my baby?” and i was like, “SHUT UP.” and you were like, “you are fat. with a peace corps baby. you should be ashamed of yourself.”

but in the middle of my exam this morning i was writing an essay about the pregnancy discrimination act, and i just had this idea of you being like, “you fat with a baby?” which i think is the way you should address your future wife or girlfriend when you get her pregnant.

Done, done, and done.


Last night I had a business dinner with Herb #3116 because I’m helping him write some stuff for his new business. We ate at Mississipi Smokehouse Barbecue Joint, which should be renamed Clownbq, or also “Epcot Center Presents Authentic BBQ Pit”. But on the menu, they had a section titled “Jazzed Soups” so you can imagine that I was very jazzed to see this.

But then I got home and Weather Report was nothing but sass. She was all, sass this, sass that. Then we walked to some ice cream and we saw this man who is friends with my parents, and his two sons, and they started quizzing me on all this shit:

Worker #3116: Is that Dragon Ball?
Boy #1: No, it’s Yu-Gi-Oh!
Boy #2: Woah! How do you know Dragon Ball?
Worker #3116: I know all kinds of stuff.
Boy #1: Do you know Yu-Gi-Oh!?
Boy #2: Yeah, do you know Yu-Gi-Oh!?
Worker #3116: I know it. Do you know Yu-Gi-Oh!: Duelist?
Boy #1: Yeah.
Boy #2: Do you know Pokemon?
Worker #3116: I know Pokemon.
Boy #1: Do you know Harry Potter?
Worker #3116: Know it.
Boy #2: Do you know Magic: The Gathering.
Worker #3116: Totally.
Boy #1: How do you know so much?
Worker #3116: I’m a lot older than you are. I’ve been to college.
Boy #1: Do you know Dragon Booster?
Worker #3116: No. You got me there.
Boy #2: Do you know Metal Warrior?
Worker #3116: No.
Boy #1: YES!
[They give each other high-fives.]
Worker #3116: You guys are nerds.
Boy #1: Yeah.
Boy #2: Yeah.
Boy #1: I’m more of a computer nerd, and he’s more of a game nerd.
Boy #2: More like Game BOY nerd!
Worker #3116: Ha ha.

(NB: The best part of this entire exchange was that the last thing Boy 2 said was said in that tone that you would use to make fun of someone, like “I’m special,” “More like Special-ed!” except that he was saying it about himself.)

These are the boots Weather Report was wearing. They are for children!
Get Along L'il Weather Report

And then Stevil was trying to study and he yelled “I’m TRYING to STUDY” and I was like, “All y’all shut your mouths,” and then somehow at some point I remember talking about seafood and Stevil said, “We’re basically on a coast.”


Apparently today is Take All the Kids to Work Day. The building is overrun with children, but they don’t seem to specifically belong to anyone. From across the hall, Clown Coffee heard this choice line: “What? Oh, you don’t talk to strangers? Well, that’s good.”

The Hot Caff had this giant stack of boxed lunches marked “Hot Dog” and “Hamburger” and “Grilled Cheese.” YKW got very excited, but then sad when I had to explain that they were for the children, which he kind of didn’t understand because he just kept saying “Hot dog! Hot dog!”

Then he got mad at something I said to him and he said, “I’m going to teach these kids something about throwing a tantrum.”

Dena Done Gun


1. M.I.A. was actually Australia-This-Australia-That wearing brown face. All I really remember was getting really, really angry and telling her that she could not do this, that she could not be M.I.A. Also, the guy who did her beats was really pale and ugly, and he kept getting frustrated with this solid black metal tower of machinery because it was spitting out beats that had uncleared samples in them.

2. I was a ghost in a gang of mischievous ghosts and we were being chased by mortal police. And the police were winning!

In the words of Weather Report: Oh no, no no no. No. No. No, no….no………No. Oh no. No way!