Monthly Archives: November 2004

Tend Your Own Garden

The following should be read in a ten-year-old’s voice, with uptalking at the end of each sentence fragment.

This one time, last week, we were watching this documentary in school, about this guy, and everyone in his town was always saying that he was really stupid, and that he could never do anything, and then one day, he saw this rocket go off into space, and he thought about it a lot, and so he went to school, but his family and friends still told him he was stupid all the time, but he studied rockets, and eventually he became very intelligent just doing this, and eventually everyone saw him launch his rocket and he was famous and got a parade, and so really, you shouldn’t pay a lot of attention to criticism, so much.

Know This! Redux

My favorite question of all time to pose to a “creative” person (i.e. an author, or a filmmaker, or whatever) is “How do you get your ideas?”

I’m going to be doing an author interview soon for my work with a VERY FAMOUS AUTHOR, and here, so far, is my preliminary list of questions:

Q: How do you get your ideas?

Q: When you want to have a really good idea, what’s the first thing you do?

Q: Let’s say I want to write a book, how do I start?

Q: If you could give one word of advice to a young writer who might be reading this, and who is having a lot of trouble coming up with an idea for his writing, what would you say?

Q: Picture this, you’re on a beach, now what happens?

Q: No, no…you’re on a beach because your plane has crashed in the ocean…

Q: AWESOME! That is a great idea. Are you going to use that idea for your own writing?

Q: What is your favorite TV show of all time?

Q: That is an awesome show. What’s your favorite episode? Want to hear my favorite? My favorite is the one where Jerri goes to Indian camp. Ha ha ha.

Q: In closing, why do you think your ideas are so much better than, say, someone less famous’s ideas?

Do This At My Funeral. Seriously.

Probably not unlike most of you, I generally find myself pretty depressed by the shape my life has taken. Where’s the excitement? Where’s the mystery? What is the big point? I’m here to tell you that if you have a digital camera or a scanner, input all of your photographs, not just the good ones, but all of them, into your computer, and run a slideshow with 2Pac’s “Keep Ya Head Up” as the background music, and stand amazed at how awesome and inspirational your life seems.



This weekend, McCullen and I watched the HBO sexumentary, Thinking XXX, about a fine art photographer who put together a book of “fine art” photographs of porn stars. He took a picture of Jenna Jameson and then everyone talked about how she was so famous and then this one porn star was like, “I remember when I did my first scene with Jenna, and I was just in shock. I mean, like, afterwards I vowed never to wash my face again, and I was running around the studio shouting, ‘Smell my face! Smell my face! It’s got Jenna juice all over it!’”

The next morning I watched XXX, and Vin Diesel did a rail-grind in Prague on a silver dinner platter.


Just Look At This Asshole

Seriously, if you want to deport someone, deport this fucking guy. Look at him! I’ve got two words for you: Ray Bans. Not good enough? How about two more: Blow Pop. And he didn’t even make that fucking sign. Illegal aliens made that sign at their shitty job. DEPORT HIM NOW I SAY!

Hey, Man, It’s The ’90s

You may already know this: Thanksgiving=Better Than Birthdays!

But did you know this: L.L. Cool J=Secret Pro-Life Activist?

I was never ghost
When lives was on the line
Confusion in ya mind
Runnin outta time
Drama of all kind
But theres faith in our mind
We spiritually inclined

(Hush by L.L. Cool J)

Speaking of unaborted black children, on Friday, during Thanksgiving II, Mémé #3116 busted out, a propos of absolutely nothing: “How are you going to tell me that Little Black Sambo isn’t just a beautiful children’s story? It’s not racist!” Now, if you know Mémé #3116, you know that this is not totally shocking. She is the one who used to sit with me in the lobby of a restaurant and point at fat people and say, “Oooh, look at that one, what do you think? Triple Oinker?” But it really came out of absolutely nowhere. Like, no one was talking about race relations, or racism, or even children’s stories. But while everyone gave her a funny look, I was all, “You’re missing the point, people. What’s really at issue here is not whether Little Black Sambo is or is not racist, but rather why people think a horribly racist children’s story can’t also be beautiful.”

Anyway, McCullen informed me this weekend that we are apparently hosting the New Year’s Eve party, and I’m already disappointed. Sorry, everyone, that our party wasn’t better when it happens in the future!

Futurewives #3116

Two Girls Accused of Serving Poisoned Cake

MARIETTA, Ga. – Two 13-year-old middle school girls were held on assault charges Wednesday after being accused of serving poisoned cake to about a dozen students who became ill and went to a hospital.

Lawyers for the two seventh graders said the cake was a prank, and that they had no intention to harm anyone. Lab tests showed the icing on the cornbread cake contained an expired prescription drug, bleach, clay and tabasco sauce.

“They took it into the cafeteria at lunch time and began passing it out to students, just whoever would take a piece,” said Jay Dillon, spokesman for the Cobb County School District in suburban Atlanta.

Some of the students started vomiting after eating the cake Tuesday, officials said. Eleven students, mostly seventh graders, were treated at a hospital and released, Dillon said.

“There was some hysteria, from what I understand,” Detective Wayne Delk said.

The 13-year-old girls appeared Wednesday before a Juvenile Court judge who refused their attorneys’ request to allow them to go home. The judge will reconsider the request on Friday.

Police said one of the teens was charged with 12 counts of aggravated assault with intent to commit murder, among other charges. The other girl was charged with the same 12 aggravated assault charges.

In addition to the charges, Dillon said the girls will be suspended and could be expelled.

“We don’t understand why they would have done something like this,” Dillon said. “It’s certainly something more serious than a prank.”

I’ll be waiting, m’ladies.

Wait, no, no I got: I’ll be waiting, m’ladies, and I’m saving room for dessert. Get it? Do you get it? Just tell me if you get it, ‘kay?

I’m Worker #3116, Bitch!

In the grand tradition of me pointing out how I was the first to totally hate the fuck out of something, I’d like to just say that I’ve always known references to the Chapelle Show were lame and in poor taste, even if it was a super funny sketch, even if you totally “smell” what “Chappelle” is “cooking”. Somehow, I even hated Chappelle Show references more than, say, The Simpsons references, or the oft-heard ‘s famous Mr. Show quotes, because people who referenced Chappelle Show somehow thought they were better than people who referenced other shows. Like they were black, or something. But all you bitches will now realize how right I was, when I tell you that last Sunday at brunch MY STEPFATHER was heard to say “I’m Rick James,” about A THOUSAND times. Not only does this prove how lame Chappelle Show references are, but notice how MY STEPFATHER dropped the exclamatory, “Bitch!” from the end of his reference. Your comedy, despite its edgy use of profanity for emphasis, is still funny to white men in their fifties, who feel it is totally appropriate to cite your comedy at a family meal.

Stop it, everyone 18-34. Stop it right now.

Girls, Girls, Girls

Wait, is this a good pick-up line:

“I want to be the Jerry Lee Lewis to your Myra Gail”?

Just kidding. I KNOW it’s a good pick-up line. To paraphrase the words of the immortal bard, R. Kelly, “I’m on top of the world, and life’s a [14 year-old] pussy buffet.”