Monthly Archives: October 2004

CCHCRC, Day 17: JUDGEMENT DAY

Look, if you still don’t have a Halloween Costume, it is definitely not my fault. I, and the loyal critics of amazon.com, have provided you with a multitude of great ideas, and we’re smarter and funnier than you are. So, I hope you get lots of candy, because then when I beat you up my reward will be ever greater. I am the greatest!

One of my alltime favourites, April 5, 2004
Reviewer: Michael Severin “michaelseverin” (Hannover, Lower Saxony, Germany) – See all my reviews
I heard the first time of them in summer 1995 when i watched a video on mtv. Some days later i bought [hit album from Halloween Costume #17] and i really have to say this is the onliest cd i still hear after nearly ten years. I like every song of the album, my personal favourites are still “hannah jane”, “only wanna be with you”, “hold my hand”, “going home” and “time”. In the early summer ’96 i visited a concert of the band in Hannover, Germany. The played in a small hall in front of an audience of approx. 1000 people but it was the best concert ever in my opinion. To me [Halloween Costume #17] is still going strong. Buy the album, RIGHT NOW!

Well, that makes one of you, Hanz. This one is for all you people who keep asking for group costumes, but one of you will have to be black, so just forget it. HALLOWEEN IS RUINED.

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Paul Newman, The Worker #3116 Of His Time

Just in case things don’t go so good on Tuesday, WE ARE PREPARED!

Last night I watched Hud by myself. Hud is a good movie. I’ve got a real soft (wet?) spot for all those early 60′s, pre-Inside the Actor’s Studio movies, when it was actually inside the Actor’s Studio, not a Bravo TV show, and no one even knew who Denzel Washington (“The Greatest Actor of Our Generation”) was. The whole Paul Newman-Marlon Brando-James Dean era, it’s just amazing. Seriously. I want to perform a love crime on these men. Also, I’m real big on father-son conflicts, for some very hidden and hard to understand reasons that only a licensed therapist who went to COLLEGE and ADVANCED COLLEGE could understand. There is this really great scene in Hud where Paul Newman (Hud) is having the climactic argument with his father, played by Melvyn Douglas, who has never liked him. Anyhow, his father is just really tearing into him, calling him an awful person, and telling him how he always hated him since even when he was a little kid, and then there’s this close up of Paul Newman, who is all soaking wet and in shadow, and his face is looking very angry and STONE COLD and then he smiles and says “Well, my mama loved me. But then she died.” POW! What a scene. Fuck you Wes Anderson, and Napoleon Dynamite, and, and fucking, fucking Quentin Tarantino and I Heart Hucakabees, which was fine, but emotionally corrupt. TAKE THAT D IN YOUR MOUTH!

The other thing I really like in these movies are the flashes of wanton sexuality that always surprise me, because this is pre-sexual revolution, and although it’s not the 20′s or even the McCarthy-era 50′s, I still half-expect my pre-hippy cinema to be clean. But here are a few choice lines from Hud:

Alma (to Hud): Ooh, I smell Chanel Number Five, and I know it ain’t me ‘cuz I can’t afford it. I take it it wasn’t horses you was riding this afternoon.

LATER:

Alma: The only thing [my ex-husband] was good for was scratching my back where I couldn’t reach.
Hud: You still got that itch.
Alma: Sometimes.
Hud: Well, let me know when it gets to bothering you.

LET’S DO IT!

CCHCRC, Day 16

To the woman walking around the office today dressed as Catwoman: What may have been a foolish career choice for Halle Berry is a horrific and terrifying costume choice for you. See you at the gym!

Here’s a joke I made up this morning:

Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Dos. Uno para cambiar el bombilla, y el otro para hacerme un taco. El ha ha ha.

Go show, old chap!, January 3, 2000
Reviewer: richardroeper (Chicago, IL) – See all my reviews
Mmmmm, mmmmm, mmmm! Whenever I see my 12-year-old neighbor, I can’t thank [Creator of Halloween Costume #16] enough for expressing what I feel in my heart! God bless him!

Because you were already sexy nurse last year:

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Curses, Boston Red Sox Fans. A Pox On All Your Over-Enthusiastic Houses.

I was trying to think of something that I care less about than the Boston Red Sox winning the World Series, but I can’t. Maybe Chris O’Donnell, but Scent of a Woman was pretty good if you can see past the pathos.

Yesterday was Clown Coffee’s birthday, so I went to dinner at his house. There were four of us: Clown Coffee, Worker #3116, this Jewish lesbian from my work, and Clown Coffee’s friend Damon, who is this very strange but bodacious combination of a stoned surfer dude and a homosexual Art History PhD candidate. He describes everything as being “a pretty good vibe,” and he kept saying to me and the lesbian, “It’s really great to meet you guys, you seem really cool, this is really awesome. Wow.” Damon and Clown Coffee like to make jokes about fisting and the hippie lesbian is easily embarrassed and I like to eat birthday cake: that is what was revealed last night. Not as much as Damon, though, as proved by this conversation:

Clown Coffee: Hippie Lesbian made me a cake.
Hippie Lesbian: Yeah, although I have to admit that my mom did, like, 80 percent of the work. I went over to her house with this little crummy pan and she was like, “oh no no no, here” and started pulling out all this stuff and th—
Damon: Let’s eat it. Cake!

At some point in the evening Clown Coffee turned to me and said “You’re the straight one, do you have the typical lipstick lesbian fantasy that straight guys are supposed to have?” and I tried to sort of explain how I didn’t really think that was an accurate description because no one really fantasizes about lipstick lesbians, there’s no depth or plot or sexual politics about jerking off to two girls doing it, but everyone was just staring at me so I just said “But yeah, that’s hot.” Later, in the car, I figured out what I was trying to say, which is that if anything the typical male fantasy is of two bi-curious girls going at it, who put on a show for me but are really just waiting for me to sink my gigantic schlong into them. Because honestly, no one actually likes lesbians. Yuck.

And that’s my point.

CCHCRC, Day 15, Just Take Me Now!

I’M NOT AFRAID OF [Halloween Costume #15] ANYMORE!, March 6, 2004
Reviewer: Leah Bugna Styles (CALIFORNIA, USA) – See all my reviews
ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT THIS BOOK CHANGED MY LIFE!! WE ARE ALWAYS TOLD TO “FEAR [Halloween Costume #15]” AND UNTIL I READ THIS BOOK, I KIND OF DID. NOW, THANKS TO NEALE, I TALK TO [Halloween Costume #15] DAILY AS A LOVING FRIEND WHO LOVES ME..NO MATTER WHAT I DO! NOT THAT I FEEL I CAN JUST GO OUT AND STEAL, OR KILL, OR DO BAD THINGS WITHOUT CONSIQUENSE, BUT THE THINGS THAT I DO CHOOSE TO DO, WILL HAVE OUTCOMES THAT ARE IN CONJUNCTION WITH WHAT I’VE DONE. FOR INSTANCE, TOO MUCH ALCOHOL WILL PROBABLY EFFECT MY LIVER, BUT [Halloween Costume #15] DOESN’T HAVE TO “PUNISH” ME, THE RESULTS OF MY ACTIONS WILL DO THAT. I HAVE READ BOOK ONE OVER 4 TIMES, AND HAVE READ BOOKS 2&3 ALSO. I LOVE THE RELATIONSHIP I NOW HAVE WITH [Halloween Costume #15], AND FEEL THAT THE TEACHINGS IN THIS BOOK ARE ONLY ABOUT ONE THING..LOVE. WHICH IS WHAT [Halloween Costume #15] IS. THANK YOU NEALE, I HOPE MANY PEOPLE ARE ABLE TO BEFRIEND [Halloween Costume #15] FROM YOUR WRITINGS AS I HAVE AND IT BRINGS PEACE TO THEIR LIVES AS IT HAS MINE.

Jesus Christ. That lady is STUPID.

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Must Eat TV

I watched that show “Big Fat Pants” last night. It’s so good. If you like reality TV, or if you like to see fat people cry, this is for you. It’s about a bunch of fat people living together in a house and finding out what it’s like when fat people stop being polite and start getting real. Real fat. My favorite line was when the host (who could stand to miss a few meals herself) asked this one fat guy, who had just cried, “Tell me the truth, how hard was it to not just come down here and eat all of the carrot cake in that refrigerator?”

The very very BEST part of the show, though, is how they’ve improved on the common reality TV elimination theme. Instead of having a ti-ki torch that gets extinguished, or having their picture digitally removed from a group modeling shot, or a rose ceremony, in “The Fattest Pants” each contestant has a glass-doored refrigerator with their name on it, filled with tempting foods they are dying to eat and when they get eliminated, THE LIGHTS GO OUT IN THEIR REFRIGERATOR.

Fat people are so funny. Have you ever noticed how sometimes a fat person will just bump into stuff without even knowing it because their body is so big they can’t even tell where they’re going? Woopsy-daisy, fat ass, you just broke a priceless Ming Dynasty vase! Lose some weight fatsos!

Two Jokes, But Pizza In The Garbage Is No Joke

Wait, wait: I made up a joke this morning:

Q: How many stupid people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A lot.

We are living in a country of liars, so it is no surprise that both Stevil and McCullen claim to have not thrown away my pizza that was in the fridge. But then how to explain my pizza sitting in the garbage yesterday morning? Obviously, I did not throw my own pizza away, but both of these AWFUL, MISERABLE LIARS FROM HELL protest that it was not they who threw away my pizza. That pizza had pepperoni on it, you horrible assholes. Also, Stevil suggests that maybe OK Tiger threw my pizza away when she cleaned our living room Sunday morning. Well, that’s one of the thinnest cover-ups I’ve heard in some time, for about a million reasons, not the least of which is the fact that my pizza was not in the living room, but further backed up by the fact that this was a new bag of garbage that was not put into the garbage can until late Monday night. Nevertheless, I have no hope of finding the truth. If the United States Government is incapable of finding out who leaked Valerie Plame’s identity to the press, how am I, with my super-intelligence but limited resources, supposed to discover which of these homosexuals put my pizza into the garbage and then LIED ABOUT IT?

I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

Here’s a new joke:

Q: What do Stevil, McCullen, Mexicans, and women have in common?
A: I hate all of them.

Burning Down Jayson Blair’s Master’s House

You’d think with the whole Judith Miller scandal still being tried in a court of law, not to mention the Jayson Blair scandals and what not, that the New York Times would be a little more careful in their reporting. But nay! In today’s paper there is an article dealing with the contradictory fact that while the problem of obesity continues to “grow” in this country, McDonald’s and other fast food chains remain one of the largest providers of dining options in our nation’s hospitals. Take a look at the very first paragraph:

“Under the smiling clown-face of Ronald McDonald, a woman and her 5-year-old daughter had spread before them a burger, Chicken McNuggets and fries. Nearby, a young couple were enjoying two Quarter Pounders with cheese. A neurologist was downing some hot cakes.”

Burger, nuggets, fries, Quarter Pounders with cheese, HOT CAKES? I’m not saying that the reporter (I KNOW YOU, MARC SANTORA!) is just flat-out making this stuff up, but, yes I am. You’re trying to tell me that this woman was feeding her daughter burgers and nuggets, while a young couple sat nearby enjoying Quarter Pounders, all before 10:30 AM? I call bullshit when I read it, Santora. Bullshit!

CCHCRC, Day 14

Sunday, October 24, 6:54 PM

Worker #3116: I’m having trouble finding my costume.
Mom #3116: Well, we’ve still got some old costumes at home if you’re really running out of time.
Worker #3116: What, that wizard hat? No thanks.
Mom #3116: There’s a witch’s hat.
Worker #3116:
Mom #3116: And a long, black cloak.
Worker #3116:
Mom #3116: I think we have a Nixon mask.
Worker #3116: Stop talking to me.

MUST UNDERSTAND, February 28, 2002
Reviewer: joe j monreal (tucson, arizona United States) – See all my reviews
Many of these reviews will fill you in on the story, but you must understand that:
1) This is a film for you think about, not entirely enjoy. NOT A TRUE MINDLESS SUMMER POPCORN FILM! This is a film for you to think about, not sit back and relax with like Rush Hour or Aliens.

2)THEY ARE NOT ALIENS, THEY ARE MACHINES FAR ADVANCED, FAR EVOLVED AFTER THE ICE CAPS MELT, REMEMBER THIS! This refers to the end, I even thought aliens at first, feeling the film was completely ruined, but then I realized and all was well. Listen closely to Jude Law, he foretell this.

3)IF YOU CANNOT TELL IF YOU LIKED THIS FILM, THEN THE FILMS HAS DONE ITS JOB. AFter watching the film three times in theatres, I couldn’t decide what to think about it, that is why I must buy it.

4)FORGET EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT SPIELBERG BEFORE WATHCING THIS FILM. It’s simply unique, a mixture of vision.

AND FINALLY

5)THEY ARE NOT ALIENS!!!!!

This is my scariest Halloween Costume Suggestion YET! REMEMBER THIS!

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