Monthly Archives: March 2004

WORDS ARE(N’T) WEAPONS, YOU ASSHOLES

Who was the first punk rocker or hippy activist who came up with the expression “Words Are Weapons”? Because if you’re going to make such a claim you should at least follow it up with the admission that guns and bombs and missiles and crossbows and baseball bats and pool cues and brass knuckles and tazers and knives and swords are way better weapons. And that actually words aren’t weapons. At all.

Corpinderot Cassèndel Headinglingel of the Dakken

I would like to thank Sigur Ròs for sponsoring my day pass to Salon Premium.

Blandër offenplinkel, Sigur Ròs, blandër offenplinkel very mucheondel.

Without yû, we wouldn’t be able to present the Corpinderot Cassèndel Headinglingel of the Dakken:

“Man Allegedly Tries to Buy Vote With Beer”
(taken from salondingofen.comme)

“March 30, 2004 | LUDLOW, Ky. (AP) — Police have charged a northern Kentucky man with trying to buy a vote with a 12-pack of beer.”

Okay, you are thinking, was this northern Kentucky man running for mayor, or perhaps city council? What did he have to gain?

“Edward Lucas offered the beer to an 18-year-old student at Ludlow High School in exchange for a no vote on a proposed nickel increase in school property taxes, Ludlow police officer James Tucker said in an affidavit.”

A nickel increase? I’m pretty sure that a twelve pack of beer in the face of this legislation is worth about 240 votes, at least, if it’s domestic. God only knows how many votes a twelve pack of Guinness could buy! Also, the article does not clarify whether the man is being charged with the corruption of the democratic process or offering to buy beer for a minor, but for the record who cares.

Nevertheless, we are offered a glimpse of a man who by normal, mortal standards, could only be considered a genius. Observe his defense:

“‘I don’t know the boy, and that’s not exactly what was said,’ Lucas said. ‘I said, “I hope it doesn’t go through and if it doesn’t, I’m going to have a big beer party.”‘”

What is a big beer party? I mean, I can imagine, but has anyone actually said “I am going to throw a big beer party”? And also, I like how he doesn’t know the boy, and obviously he would only use a twelve pack to buy the vote of a boy that he does know, but incidentally he would like to clarify what it was that he said to the boy that he doesn’t know.

Finally, just so that we really understand what we are talking about here:

“The tax increase was on the ballot Tuesday. It would generate about $75,000 a year for school construction projects.”

I think we can all agree pretty unequivocally that this is a ballot proposition that should be defeated by any means necessary, because fuck school construction and fuck you, and if we can get drunk in the process then God Bless Fucking America.

Corpinderot Cassèndel Headinglingel of the Dakken Runïr Up:

“Starbucks Unveils Aggressive Growth Plan”
(taken from salon.com)

A Brief Description of the Physiological Effects of Caffeine on the Young American Male

7:00 AM
Subject #3116 awakes. Although all he did the night before was watch an episode of Band of Brothers, warm up some leftovers, drink a Pabst Blue Ribbon award-winning beer, and rub one out before bed, he feels like “shit”**.

7:03 AM
Subject #3116 brushes his teeth with his Braun electric toothbrush, recommended by dentists and orthodontists across the Western Hemisphere. As he attends to his dental hygiene, Subject #3116 envisions the nap he plans to take upon his return from the office, and considers how important it will be for him to get to bed early for once.

7:11 AM
As Subject #3116 towels off after his shower, he smells the Columbian coffee brewing in the kitchen adjacent.

7:15 AM
Subject #3116 finishes his first cup of coffee while enjoying The Howard Stern Show on a local radio station that has chosen to carry the legendary “shock jock”**’s program despite FCC condemnation of what they consider to be inappropriate material. Subject #3116 tries to remember which episode of The Gilmore Girls he will resume reading on televisionwithoutpity.com. Subject #3116 contemplates taking a quick cat nap in the butterfly chair before leaving for work, decides against it.

7:24 AM
Subject #3116 finishes his cereal, makes a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for if he gets hungry in the afternoon as he often does because he is a giant fat cow. He pours his second cup of coffee and puts a warm Pabst Blue Ribbon award-winning beer in the fridge to replace the cold one he drank the night before. He remembers this beer and thinks maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. Who needs a cat nap in the butterfly chair when Tim Robbins is going to be on The Howard Stern Show after these advertisements for Nissan and Ephedra-free dietary supplements? Tim Robbins is an Academy Award winner after all!

7:52 AM
Subject #3116 puts on his jacket. He drains the last of his third cup of coffee and wonders where he and McCullen will get “fucking trashed”** tonight, he is up for anything.

**We felt, as researchers, that it was important to use some of the “lingo” that Subject #3116 uses in his daily speech patterns in order to get a better understanding of the cultural framework within which the caffeine was operating.

Single Handedly Doing The Work Clear Channel Refuses To Do

This morning on Howard Stern this guy called in and talked about his love for call girls and he was saying that he is very turned on by their pleasure and that he really tries to treat them like human beings. Dude, that’s what wives are for. If you are renting a hotel room by the quarter hour, chances are there is very little that is “human” about your relationship. Then Howard asked if he used a dental dam or some saran wrap when he was making sure these “humans” were satisfied and the guy insisted that it was very difficult to get AIDS from oral sex. “But you could get the mouth herps,” Howard reminded him. “Howard, you cannot live your life in a bubble,” the man replied.

Also, Howard Stern mentioned fatchicksinpartyhats.com this morning. Do you remember this awesome comedy website from when we were froshes in college, back in 1962. What wonders is he going to discover next? Google?

In more Howard Stern news, he indicated that the reason Beyonce doesn’t have to lipsynch during her shows the way Britney does is because she is black. So then this guy calls in and does a fake black accent asking how Howard could say such a thing and Howard said “okay, well, first of all, you’re white,” and the guy got real quiet and said “I know.”

Radio! What an invention!

A Confession, or an Invitation?

When you walked to your car on Sunday morning did you see seven bottles of Woodchuck Cider and Mike’s Hard Fruit Punch on the back seat that you had stolen from a party the night before, or was that me?

Ladies: I have seven bottles of Woodchuck Cider and Mike’s Hard Fruit Punch with which to get you drunk and impair your ability to make good decisions.

Treatment

I know that some of the people who read this diary live in Los Angeles, so I was hoping you could help me pitch my script to some Hollywood Fat Cats.

Okay, we open on an inner city housing project. Some drug dealers are watching their plasma screen tv from their black leather couch, shouting at the screen and pointing their guns at it on occasion. There is a knock at the door. They scramble to hide paraphernalia and keep asking each other who it is and whether one of them invited somebody over. Before they can get the giant mounds of cocaine off the coffee table the door breaks in and police come rushing through. The thugs are overwhelmed, and it looks like the cops have made a clean bust. They start hauling the guys out, but just as one of the cops, Thomas Jackson, is leading his collar out the door a thug bursts out of a closet and shoots him in the back of the head. Thomas Jackson’s body falls to the floor in slow motion and the shooter escapes through a window. We start with an overhead shot of Thomas Jackson lying in a pool of his own blood. Then, slowly, his spirit rises from the floor and straightens the badge on his chest and pulls down the sleeves of his uniform. Thomas Jackson is GHOST COP!

Who do I have to blow to get this on their desk?

Discovery! YAY!

One Simple Step For Destroying Your Life:

1. Buy The Sims For Playstation 2 At Best Buy Because It Is On Sale For $15. It Will Be The Worst Thing You Ever Do.

I know that I am two years late in saying this, but what the fuck is up with this game? There are flies circling the toilet, I live with my mother who told me this morning “sleep on the couch, we don’t get along well enough right now to sleep in the same bed,” I have gray hair and a pony tail, I’m not ready to get a job, and at one point, out of nowhere, I stood in the middle of the living room eating my dinner and then put the plate on the floor. And yet, somehow, this life is more interesting than my real life?

Hold on, I have to go cry in the bathroom.

Media News

Did you know that they released Mad About You on dvd?

You might think that this was going too far, but rest assured they only printed one copy, for Paul Reiser. Even Helen Hunt didn’t want that shit.

I Demand To Be Elected President of Supergreat Families Forever in America the Greatest Country in the World

On the radio yesterday, I heard this guy from Supergreat Families Forever in America the Greatest Country in the World, or some similarly named political action group, and he was saying that gay marriage was sick and wrong and also, incidentally, illegal and going to destroy the world. Fine. We all know and agree with that. But then he also said “I believe there is some statistical analysis that proves that a child does better when raised by his biological mother and father.”

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that being president of SFFAGCW is not that hard of a job, because basically you are just waking up every day, having two cups of strong coffee, then blowing shit out of your ass and calling it fact. BUT, I also think that one of the most important tasks in your role as president would be finding any kind of statistical evidence, no matter how flawed or felonious or flat-out made up, to back up your argument that as soon as gays legally marry, crack will become legal, everyone will be dead, God will pee on us for sinning so hard, and none of our puppies will get into heaven. All you have to do is find some morally certain doctor to pack black people’s skulls with coffee beans and white people’s skulls with sand to show that white people are smarter and gays are choosing a life style that is decadent and depraved. So, now, let’s go back to what the President of SFFAGCW actually said: “I believe there is some statistical analysis that proves that a child does better when raised by his biological mother and father.” In all of his hard work deleting porn from his hard drive before his wife got home from bible study, he has yet to find an actual statistical analysis that proves a point he believes to be true. That is his only job, to find people to back up his beliefs, and he cannot do it. As it so happens, I believe that there is statistical evidence that proves that Christians base much of their daily behavior on the dictates of a celebrity diet plan rather than the teachings of the bible, but because I am not paid to sit around and dig up numbers it doesn’t matter what I believe.

This guy should be fired. It is time that we had someone fighting for the rights of families to discriminate against fags with hard data behind us. It is time we found someone who knew how to use the internet to eliminate margins of error and select predetermined “focus groups” to prove our point once and for all that if you are doomed to an eternity in hell then your earthly union cannot be joined in heaven.

Celebrity Rumor Mill

Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz have ended their three year relationship.

They are on amicable terms, and remain good friends, according to Ms. Cruz’ publicist.

Tom Cruise is a giant Mo, according to me.

Nicole Kidman cried herself to sleep once more last night, muttering “who’s the fairest of them all?” over and over to the darkness that engulfed her, according to the darkness that engulfed her.